A New Endeavor

I am absolutely positive that my loyal followers have been wondering why I have disappeared off of the blogosphere yet again! I know you're all anxious to hear about Captain, amongst my other adventures. However, I must confess that my attention has been brought to a new endeavor!

I recently bought a sewing machine and decided it was important to learn to use it...well, because otherwise King would not be happy that I wasted a bunch of money on a large paperweight. That being said, I have opened a small boutique shop online, and I will be doing somewhat of a craft fair tour this fall.

So, here is a link to my shop, and I will post some photos of my work below!

I am running some awesome promotions right now for new fans of my page, so make sure you check it out and 'Like' it!

100.

For my 100th entry, I've decided to tell you 100 things about me. This is somewhat of a recap of things about which I have already written, but there are plenty of other interesting random facts as well. Thanks for reading up until now, and cheers to many more entries!

1. I am married to a wonderful man who understands me to my core and accepts me 100%, but I wouldn't marry him if given the chance to go back and do it again

2. I have made some amazing friends over the last few years, and while I've lost some others, the ones who stick around have made my life worth living

3. I have lost a sister and a father, both in the same year...and both are still alive

4. I have a more authentic and understanding relationship with my mother now than I ever expected I'd have

5. I'm not a Christian, and I'm good with that. I'm happy to be spiritual, and I like the idea that I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side...or if there even is another side

6. I'm a mother. I'm a damn good mother, and I won't allow anyone to make me feel otherwise. My girls are my heart and soul, an extension of myself, and they are true love incarnate.

7. I'm convinced that Facebook is a necessary evil at this juncture in my life. I would love to crawl in a hole and delete myself sometimes, but there are so many more days that I am thankful to have had the opportunity to connect with people that I would have otherwise never known again or come into contact with at all. Social networking is a double-edged sword, and I am working on finding my place in all of it.

8. I'm a comedienne. I have come to realize that I have the gift of being able to make people laugh, even though I couldn't tell a joke if my life was dependent upon it. Ironic, isn't it?

9. I am a writer. It's who I am. It's a part of my life, and people either understand it...or they don't. It isn't my job to convince anyone to like it or understand it, but it is my job to be true to myself and to process the events in my life the way that I know how. Writing (publicly -or- privately) is how I heal, how I deal, and it's what allows me not to forget

10. I can't stand bras...Since having babies, my tatas have minds of their own, and (like me) they don't abide by the norms that society has put in place. I am content to wear nursing tanks and sports bras for the rest of my days...or until I get an awesome boob job that will allow me the pleasure of never having to keep the ladies in check ever again :-D

11. Boxers. I prefer guys who wear boxers. I saw a guy at the pool the other day that was wearing these tight spandexy swim shorts...and I couldn't help but stare. I totally understand how guys feel with the whole boob thing now...It's not like I WANTED to be staring...I couldn't help it. Don't make me stare at your junk. Please.

12. I hated being pregnant, and by default, I hate all of my friends who have easy pregnancies. I didn't have overly tragic pregnancies (only mildly tragic), but I still hated every last second of them.

13. I smoke sometimes. I can only bring myself to do it when I'm drinking, though...and when I have someone to join me. If it takes years off my life, I'm good with it. At least I will have enjoyed my years. And I can't stand people who are super anti-smoking and don't even want people to be allowed to do it outside their own damn house.

14. I don't sleep well. I have gotten much better at falling asleep, but the staying asleep has me now. I went 18 months without sleeping through the night after having Monster #2, and my body refuses to understand that those days are over now. Instead, I am forced to wake up around 2 am every single night...and it's then that I watch an episode or 2 of Phineas and Ferb.

15. I can't stand doctors, particularly pediatricians. They have made my life a living hell over the last few years, and I don't appreciate it. I don't appreciate being told at every appointment that there is a possibility that something may or may not be wrong with one or both of my children. I don't appreciate being berated for my parenting choices, especially considering that I research every last one of them until my fingers are bleeding from paper cuts and too much typing.

16. I don't vax my kids. We didn't make that decision because of the fear of autism. We made informed choices based on lots of information. We don't like the amount of toxic chemicals that are put into our children's bodies at such a young age. We don't believe that vaccines are nearly as safe as the FDA would like us to believe. We don't believe there is enough research into safety and efficacy of these vaccines, and frankly, we think most of them are a bunch of bullshit. In addition to that, I believe it's not the government's or my pediatrician's job to make choices for me as a parent.

17. I clean when I'm mad. I think this makes my husband happy to piss me off sometimes. Some of the most productive cleaning days I've had have been when I am entirely hateful and angry.

18. One of the best Christmases I ever had was actually one of the worst. I got the worst gifts I'd ever gotten, my step-mother opened one of my gifts...it was fucking hilarious. Laughter is so much better than anything else, really. I still laugh about the hideous slippers that King got me that year...after asking my sister to help him shop for me.

19. I don't believe that diamonds are a girl's best friend. In fact, I believe they're close to being evil. I don't own a diamond, and I won't accept a gift that involves diamonds of any shape, color, or size.

20. I love the smell of lilies (particularly star gazers) and lilacs. I don't view them as any sort of requirement for life or anything, but lilacs take me back in time to when I was a child...and Lilies just smell like love to me

21. I am afraid of fish. I refuse to swim in lakes because of it. I am terrified that a fish (no, not a shark) will bite me because I have invaded its space. I finally got past my fear enough to get into the ocean last fall, but that was with the help of Xanax. I don't enjoy swimming in dirty water, and I'm allergic to chlorine...this makes swimming a very complicated endeavour for me.

22. I love chocolate. I used to think I didn't love chocolate, but I think that was more my attempting to swim against the current in every facet of life. Clearly, that was stupid, considering chocolate is one of the best things in life.

23. I may love chocolate, but I don't like chocolate cake. I can't even tell you why that is, but it just doesn't work for me. I could do chocolate frosting, but white cake is where it's at

24. Waffles are better than pancakes. The batter may be eerily similar, but I am telling you that waffles are better. I think it's the subtle crunch of the waffle that makes them better. And I don't like how the syrup soaks into the pancakes so much

25. I have come to realize that I'm the type of person that you either love...or love to hate. This works for me, as I am pretty extreme myself, so the extreme reactions make sense. I don't mind being hated, and actually, I find it quite flattering. I used to think it was important that everyone liked me, but now I realize that's neither possible nor realistic. I will just continue to be loved by those who love me, and I will give the haters something to do with their time

26. I believe in true forgiveness. However, I don't believe you need to forgive someone who doesn't deserve it. And I think you should forgive people when you're damn good and ready, and when it makes sense in your life to do it. Sometimes when you apologize to someone, that person isn't done being hurt...and I've learned that you just need to be patient. Maybe she'll come around and accept it, and maybe she won't. I know that I screw up sometimes, and that involves consequences. I also realize that I've forgiven people who have hurt me deeply, and I'm so much better for it.

27. I wouldn't Photoshop my life. I know I said that it would be nice, but truthfully, everything in my life has brought me to where I stand today. The events that took place were necessary to my path, and I am learning to accept and understand that. While it sounds nice in theory and is funny to think about, I wouldn't change a damn thing.

28. I wondered if I'd ever heal from the trauma of Monster #2's birth. While I don't know if fully healing is possible, I think the important thing is that she is a beautiful, healthy little terror. Her birth totally sucked ass, but her spirit is vibrant, and I love her more than I ever knew was possible.

29. I will never ever ever in a million bajillion years drive a minivan.

30. I could nap anytime, anywhere. I used to be the type of person that could only sleep in my bed, but now I fall asleep everywhere. I think that comes with being a mother and being sleep-deprived for an extended period of time. I now fall asleep sitting up. THAT takes talent.

31. Wine. THAT would be a girl's best friend. I love sangria in the summers, but apart from that...I like sweet whites in the summer and sweet reds in the winter. Oh, and I am clumsy with reds for sure. It's not a party until I spill a glass of red on someone or something

32. I want to learn to sew. I took a class a few months ago, and I really enjoyed it. I always thought sewing was lame and nerdy...until I saw this girl in high school walking around in the coolest clothes I'd ever seen. When I asked her where she got them, she told me that she made them. It was then that I realized I'd majorly failed when choosing NOT to take Home Ec.

33. Chicago is my heart and soul, and I often used to drive up there when I was feeling depressed. It's funny how just driving through the Loop would bring a calm over me and make me feel like all was right with the world. I didn't even have to stop. It was just the fact of knowing it was there...I wish I could go back more often

34. Music is as much a part of my life as breathing. I could use music to relate to anything in my life. It just heightens everything for me. I love all kinds of music for all different reasons, and I should probably listen to it more often...I used to listen to music nearly 100% of my day, and now it's not as much.

35. I believe that life is about experiences so much more than things. I find much more value in doing things than I do in acquiring things. I would much rather go somewhere really amazing and not take anything home but photos than to buy something that was worth just as much money.

36. I can't draw at all, but I am badass when it comes to coloring. And yes, I do enjoy coloring, even at my age.

37. My favorite color is pink. I had a difficult time coming to terms with that over the years, but I'm totally smitten now. I love pink in all shades, and I think it goes with everything.

38. I am constantly losing chapstick, but I did finally make it through ONE chapstick without losing it or allowing my washer/dryer to destroy it.

39. I attempted suicide nearly 5 years ago, and I am so thankful to the girls who tackled me and prevented me from doing so. I was kicked out of the military, and again, it was important to my path. It was an incredible experience all-around, but I am glad that I'm alive and not in the military.

40. I am obsessed with Vera Bradley. I sell bags, collect bags, and I would love nothing more than to paint a room in my house in a Vera Bradley pattern of some kind. I find it hilarious because I hated Vera Bradley at first. I couldn't understand why people were so obsessive about it, and now here I am...a complete addict.

41. I'm not into corporal punishment. I don't believe my kids need to fear me in order to respect me. In fact, I don't want my kids to be afraid of me at all. I've not hit my girls, and I don't plan to start anytime in the forseeable future. My 3 year-old has more respect for me than I knew was possible for a child of her age. That all comes without ever laying a hand on her or threatening her with anything more than a time-out...which in our house means counting to 10 in her bedroom

42. I believe in the good of humanity. I don't believe that we are born sinful or bad in any way. Any negativity is due to illness or desperation.

43. I fucking LOVE garage sales. I love that I can find things for next to nothing that serve a purpose in my life. I especially love that it feels like treasure hunting.

44. I want to take pole dancing classes. I envy anyone who has skills on the pole. It's an art form, in my opinion.

45. One of my favorite memories of our time in Florida last fall was rocking Monster #2 to sleep to the sound of the ocean. It makes me want to have a place on the water in a bad way...and I'm not talking about a lake. The ocean is incredibly soothing and relaxing. I miss it for sure

46. I think going to the movies is a huge waste of money. I can't believe how much it costs for such a short time of entertainment...and then sometimes the movie isn't even good! The popcorn is amazing, though. I will say that much

47. I'm the type of friend that always tells you the truth, even if it's not what you want to hear. I don't believe it does anyone any good not to be honest.

48. I try to live my life with the understanding that tomorrow is not guaranteed. As such, I do my best to live without regret and make sure those that I love know it.

49. I LOVE surprises. I never snoop for gifts because I accidentally ruined Christmas for myself once when I was younger. It was the crappiest Christmas ever, and I refuse to ruin any surprise for myself because of it.

50. Working in a strip club boosted my self-confidence and helped me become comfortable in my own skin. I was terrified to undress/dress in front of other people before working there. I learned so much about myself, and I am not ashamed to say that I loved working there.

51. I love to read, and I wish I had more time to do it...

52. I will probably eat at Chick-fil-A about as much as I always have (not often at all), even though I think their CEO is a total douche...If I avoided every single company that didn't agree with me on everything or was douchey in some way or another, I'd probably be in a hole. Every company has its faults, especially big ones.

53. I eat in bed. A lot.

54. I don't like parmesan cheese on my spaghetti. I like it with garlic salt instead.

55. I don't like ice in my water if it's already chilled...it's too cold then

56. If I'm craving soda, I want a fountain Coke. And it's SODA, not "POP."

57. I am a very giving soul. I even give when I don't have it to give...and sometimes I think people take advantage of that

58. I've never been to Hawaii or any tropical location, but I really really want to go! If I could go anywhere in the world, I would love to go to Fiji

59. I love the feeling of clean sheets, but I hate making my bed. I find it rather counterproductive, but I still do it every now and again

60. I am addicted to trashy reality tv, and I have no problem admitting it.

61. I would prefer to go to a neighborhood bar than a dance club any day of the week. I love a place with a dart board and a juke box, and I have a weakness for karaoke.

62. I don't like sweating. AT.ALL.

63. My favorite holiday is Halloween. I love dressing up and pretending to be something different for a day, and I absolutely love seeing all the little darlings in costumes.

64. I am pretty good at giving people nicknames.

65. I have learned over the last few years that I am not always right. It sounds silly when I type that, but I am pretty sure that is one of the major reasons that my first marriage didn't work out...He was ALWAYS wrong, and I was almost completely unwilling to compromise.

66. I love to entertain. I enjoy having company come over, cooking, and spending time with friends and family. Before I was ousted from the family, my sister would say that I was her favorite person to visit because I would always have her favorite snacks and drinks onhand...

67. I'm crafty. I enjoy making things by hand, and I find that I feel accomplished when I do things myself.

68. My relationship with my husband is polyamorous. We believe in full disclosure and embracing the possibility and probability of loving more than one person. I believe we're called "poly-wogs" because we are new to the idea, but the exploration of our humanity has brought us closer and enhanced our relationship greatly.

69. <--BTDT

70. I love shopping for shoes and underwear for myself. Otherwise, I can't stand shopping for myself because I can never find anything I like. I'm far too picky, and I have expensive taste that I can't afford

71. I find politics to be annoying. I used to be really into the political scene, but now I just think it is a waste of time. I don't identify as Democrat or Republican, and I just feel that the entire concept is not what our founding fathers had envisioned.

72. I don't believe that blood is thicker than water. I've learned over the years that blood can be toxic sometimes...and even if blood is thicker than water, water is much more refreshing.

73. I ROCK at doing make-up. My favorite brands are MAC and Rimmel, and I swear by NYC lip gloss...although I rarely wear make-up these days. It takes too much damn time.

74. I don't put sunscreen on my girls unless it's absolutely necessary. I would much prefer them to soak up the Vitamin D that Mother Nature is offering than to slather them with chemicals that don't do much help anyway.

75. When I go to the grocery, I buy 3 different kinds of milk: Organic whole, Vanilla Almond Milk, and skim milk. Some people find this strange, but it's such a part of my routine that I rarely notice the sideways look I get at the check-out these days

76. I am a terrible mathematician. I have a hard time with even simple addition and subtraction...To this day, I honestly have no idea how I passed my Algebra II class my freshman year of high school.

77. I love amusement parks and especially roller coasters.

78. I worked as a flight attendant for 6 months, and it was both amazing and horrible at the same time. I learned that while I enjoy alone time, I don't like to be alone nearly as much as that job requires it.

79. My hair used to be extremely curly, but now it's only slightly wavy...

80. I am more of a lover than a fighter, but I will fight to the death if I have to.

81. I don't consistently wear ANY jewelry. If I wear anything at all, I wear my wedding ring. Apart from that, I love bracelets but do NOT like necklaces at all and only got my ears pierced so I could wear earrings for my first wedding.

82. I have gotten into 3 car accidents, only one with another vehicle...and ALL while in reverse.

83. I am obsessive about all things Harry Potter, and I am hoping to be able to go to Universal Studios in Florida soon to see the amusement park. Harry Potter + Amusement Park = amazingness

84. I LOVE the honey badger. I even got Monster #1 a book about honey badgers.

85. I truly believe that glitter goes with everything.

86. The first video game system that I ever owned was a Playstation, which my sister and I got for Christmas one year when I was in high school...

87. I hate showering. I find it to be a waste of my time...and it takes me FOREVER because I have long hair. I used to shave every single day, and I remember my mom telling me at one point that it would change when I had children...I didn't believe her then, but damn...she was totally right!

88. I drink far too much coffee. I drink it black or with a flavored (ADDICTIVE) creamer. And I think Starbuck's coffee is disgusting. Espresso drinks? Fab. Coffee? Not so much

89. I can't stand weddings, but I couldn't tell you exactly why. I used to love them and be all obsessive about them...Now I find them to be a ridiculous waste of money with a ridiculous amount of drama and stress.

90. I love profanity, and I try to use it as much as fucking possible.

91. I am pretty fucking terrified of spiders

92. I am a creature of habit and find it difficult to cope with change. For example, I was terrified of getting a new phone that was NOT a Blackberry because I knew the operating system...I seriously didn't want to get a different phone because I would have to learn how to use it...

93. I may be a creature of habit,  but I love to be spontaneous. I am not big into planning, unless I have a limited amount of time for some reason. So, whenever we used to go up to the North Country to see our families, we'd always plan it out so that we could split our time equally.

94. Fall is my favorite season. I love the colors, and I love wearing a hoodie and jeans.

95. I am absolutely terrified of tornados, and I actually have recurring nightmares about them at times.

96. My celebrity crush is Captain Jack Sparrow. That's right. It's NOT Johnny Depp.

97. I love to dance and play in the rain...as long as there is no lightning. One of my favorite things about living in Arizona was monsoon season. I loved it.

98. I don't like icing very much, and I will usually take it off the cake. I would totally eat a cake without icing, though.

99. I try to eat healthy most of the time, but I have to admit that I have a soft spot for deep fried just about anything <3

100. I'm unique. There just isn't anyone else like me out there.

   

The Desperate Do-Nothing Housewife

I love how people make assumptions about you when they know absolutely nothing about your life. Isn't it amazing the insight these people have? I was recently told by King that the Analyst (FIL) is under the impression that I do nothing while King does everything. I am sure he isn't the only person who thinks that, but I would like to virtually give him the finger and tell him where to shove it. Please allow me to give all of you readers a small glimpse into a day in the life of theXile...

Today was the perfect example of my do-nothing tendencies. Monster #1 came into bed and stole my pillow somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 am...King's alarm went off 3 times, beginning somewhere around 6:45 am. After the third round (7:10 am), Monster told me she put the sun up...and it was time to get up. She needed milk, yogurt, a granola bar and cartoons. While I got her all set up, I threw a pot of coffee on, brushed my teeth while trying to find Monster #2's sippy cup...I found a swimsuit for Monster #1 and set clothes out for Monster #2. By then, it was about 7:30...So, I threw together the beach bag for swim lessons and got all of the packages ready to go from the bags I had sold over the weekend (Yes, I work from home and run an Ebay store). King left for work at about 7:45. He called me about 5 minutes later to say that he had forgotten something, and I offered to bring it up to his work after swim lessons.

8:00--get both Monsters dressed (miraculously, they BOTH had mated shoes today)

8:10--load up and get on the road...after going back in the house 3 times for various forgotten items...most importantly, my coffee.

8:55--drop Monster #2 at the KidZone to play while I watch Monster #1's swim lesson

9:00--Get Monster #1 out to the pool...after she has to go potty and talk about how beautiful the walls and the floors are...During swim lessons, plan the meal for the night & make a grocery list.

9:45--end swim lesson. Pick up Monster #2...Cue downpour. Monsoontastic fucking downpour. Oh, I forgot to mention that I didn't bring an umbrella and was wearing a white nursing tank...AWESOME. 

10:00--load up soaking wet children into the truck, and attempt to dry them off with a wet towel from swim lessons. At least Monster #1 was wearing a swimsuit!

After that, it was off to the Post Office to drop the packages...again when an umbrella would have been a novel idea. Thankfully the rain had settled down by the time we got to Target. So we ran in there to get a few things for dinner...and bandaids. I have been hearing about bandaids for a week now. You'd think that I would have gotten them before now...At any rate, after Target, we trekked up to King's work to drop off his forgotten items and to meet some of his coworkers (remembering we're all soaked, and I'm wearing a white top). Fantastic.

I was able to sneak a sandwich break in somewhere around 12:30, after I put Monster #2 down for a nap and set Monster #1 up with a movie and some lunch. <---Yes, I allow her to eat in front of the television. She eats there much better than she does at a table.

Of course, after Monster #1 went down for a nap, I was able to get some laundry done and pick up their toys (as if there was some point to doing that). I won't bore you with all of the details, but I also made homemade bacon-crusted cheddar mac & cheese for dinner. I played with the girls, and I did more laundry.

The plan was for King and I to spend the evening together, free from technology...but by the time he got home, I was completely spent. I had cleaned up seventeen spots of pee from Monster #2 (yay for potty training), dealt with who knows how many tantrums, cleaned, cooked, played, taxied, and worked enough for an entire week...So I told him that I needed a break, and he was happy to oblige. I'm pretty sure it was the bacon that tipped the scales.

So, my dear Analyst, as you can see...you're entirely wrong. I do all kinds of shit. I may not get paid for all of the work I do, but it's not nothing. My job is to be a kick ass mom and wife and to run a small business on the side. King is just as lucky to have me in his life as I consider myself to have him in mine.

Here's to the housewives...

It's Not My Party, But You Can Cry If You Want To...

Blondie's little monster is turning 5. She decided to throw a big party because 5 is a special number. It's a milestone. You know, 5...16...21...that kind of milestone. Either way, it was an absolute necessity to throw a gigantic bash, complete with a ridiculous amount of decorations and crafting, of which she is not capable. <---FUNNY, right?! Anyway, she was in a near panic last night, in the midst of slave labor brought on by Cruela as payment for allowing Blondie to have the party at their house...and so I offered to come early and help her. I figured it was the least I could do, given that I meant to (help?) make this paper wreath-like thing for her this week; and we just couldn't connect on it.

So this morning was a pretty typical morning in which we needed to be out of the house early. Big monster wanted to go "now," at 7:15 am, when she was standing at my bedside asking for cereal, milk, and cartoons. I was trying to pack our bag with diapers, wipes, sippy cups, towels, swimsuits, and other water necessities because they have a pool..."Mommy, but I don't want to go under water!" No problem, Monster. It's not a big deal. Eat your cereal, please. "Mommy, can I have your bagel please?" Sure, what would you like on it? "Butter." Fine. So I grab my coffee, butter "my" bagel and continue on with the packing. I got the bag packed, and Little monster finally woke up...Change/milk/dress <---that part was funny, being that she kept saying, "No!" and running off, thinking I was playing a silly game with her.

Finally, everyone was dressed and ready to get out the door...Both girls had only one shoe. Typical. We were running behind ("Are we late, Mommy?" Yes,  Monster), and neither of my monsters could find mated shoes. I told them that I was going out to the car to check if their missing shoes were in there, and they of course, insisted on following me out the door. The missing shoes weren't in the car, of course. So I had to sprint inside and find the missing shoes STAT...with 2 unsupervised monsters in my truck. At least the keys weren't in it? Thankfully, I had just cleaned their rooms the day prior, and so I knew they weren't in either bedroom. The only room that hadn't seen a vacuum (or a dust rag, or practically any cleaning product in who knows how long) was the master bedroom. I quickly found them (luck, I imagine) just under the bed and dashed back outside.

I got half a mile down the road and realized I forgot to pack a swimsuit for Little Monster...and my gas light was on. Did I mention I was already running 10 minutes behind at this point? I decided to screw the swimsuit (Gawd, I am SUCH a whore) and kept driving. I got gas, stopped for donuts (sustenance for anxious mamas), and Blondie's fave bev from Starbucks (Venti White Chocolate Mocha). I figured it might be drinkable by the time I drove down to Cruela's place if I got it right by mine. Of course, everyone and their neighbor was in the drive-thru at SBucks, and they clearly weren't aware that the world revolves around me and that I was already running late (Note to self: purchase "Narcissist" shirts to wear daily). Traffic was light, though, and we had an easy drive there.

Blondie looked like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders as I strode up the walkway with donuts in one hand and Starbucks in the other. I was glad. I enjoy being helpful <shocker>. We worked together to get everything decorated and set up, and it was great...except that my monsters were running around without much supervision...aaaand Little Monster decided to take one of Cruela's collectible dog figurines for a swim...in the toilet. I really wish ya'll had any clue as to this woman's demeanor. She scares the living crap out of me, and I think she's only ever said about 10 words to me. Blondie came over to tell me about the incident, and I couldn't help but nearly have a spit take and laugh hysterically. I always say that Little Monster's only saving grace is her cuteness. She's a terrorist, but she's damn cute.

Other than that, Blondie was incredibly grateful and relieved that help had arrived. She had another friend who did tricks with balloons that I didn't even know were possible, though. I'm definitely jealous of that, and I need to learn her secrets. I thought I was pretty damn good at decorating, but this chick tied 4 balloons together without any kind of string. AMAZING. I digress. It was a great party, minus the toilet incident, the rain, and Cruela's less-than-welcoming attitude.

I'll never forget this just because I thought it was the sweetest and most adorable thing ever, but Blondie's dad made some hot dogs in the microwave for the little ones who wouldn't eat the hot dogs with the grill markings on them...He said he should have known to do it earlier since Blondie would never eat them that way either. Is that not adorable?!

Anyway, we had a great time, and I'm so thankful to have such sweet friends...And I can't wait until I have a party...hehehe

Here's to the party animals!

Taking Back My Name

Some of you may or may not have noticed, but I changed the name of this blog. I'm guessing that those of you judgmental hypocritical assholes probably didn't notice...Or you think that I'm looking for a pity party and feeling sorry for myself. To that I say, good for you. Just keep reading, and as you asked, I'll keep bringing the entertainment.

Captain has been focused slightly on a nickname for me, as I have christened him with 2: Captain being one, and the other I prefer to keep private. Either way, it's so funny because I can't tell you how many people have asked me what my nickname is, and I have none. The only one I've ever had is actually a name I prefer never to have to see again, being that it is extremely closely associated with Crazypants. It's interesting to me that I've been around for as long as I have without a solid nickname.

That being said, when I first started blogging, I was theXile. It fit me at the time, and the more I think about it, it just fits me in general. It was funny because when I first started blogging as Xile, it was focused entirely on my exile from the Coast Guard. Really though, I am just an entire collection of exiles. I've been exiled from family members, from my Christian upbringing, from King's family, from mainstream society. I even moved 2,000 miles away from home as soon as I graduated high school. I mean, you name it, I'm probably outside the norm. It's okay, though. I would so much rather be true to myself than be uncomfortable but acceptable to the masses.

The negative feedback that I've gotten from my recent blog entries just amplifies the need for me to return to my roots. It fits. I'm theXile. I'm vile, unacceptable, a whore, vicious, conniving, manipulative, mean...I mean, I may be the best villain next to Lucifer himself. People ask me if it bothers me. My friends tell me they're sorry that people are saying horrible things about and to me. My family (that I still have left) is worried that I will become (have become?) a social pariah. The thing is, though, that I know better. My heart is in the right place, no matter where my home is or isn't. I may be exiled from every last person on this earth, but I am happy with myself. I don't allow other people to dictate my happiness or my morals. I don't allow other people to think for me or deem what's right for me in the same way that I don't dictate what's right for anyone else. I make choices based on what makes sense in my life for my family.

At the end of the day, I am theXile. And I couldn't be more proud. I stand strong in the face of adversity and judgment, knowing that I am doing the best I can do in every given situation. I stumble, I fall, and I always end up picking myself back up at the end of the day. I may be bloody and bruised, but scars just add character to my personality. My choices are my own, and that is what matters. How many of you have made a difficult choice in order to remain true to yourself, even in the face of venomous criticism? How many of you are willing to put it all on the line just to remain true to yourself and do what you believe is right, against all odds?

Lastly, I want to address this idea of narcissism with regard to me. I'm not obsessed with myself, I don't get off on thinking about myself, and I am not more fascinated with myself than I am with anyone else. If people don't actually take the time to read and comprehend some of the things I've written here, rather than judging me based on one particular story or incident, that's fine. However, I have admitted some very difficult mistakes that I've made in friendships, romantic relationships, as well as familial relationships. I have made amends with people from whom I don't believe I even deserved forgiveness. We are all better people for doing so and being humble enough to really take a look in the proverbial mirror and see the ugliness that sometimes dwells within us all. No one is perfect, and I don't claim to be.

This is my journey, my life, and my experiences. I am putting myself out there for everyone to see and read, and I have been lynched for it multiple times over...I highly doubt that makes me narcissistic. I certainly don't believe that I am better or worse than anyone else. Say what you will about me, but at the end of the day, are you happy with what you've said and done?

Here's to fortitude...

Peace in War

**Deep Breath** So my sister is getting married in 5 days. I haven't forgotten about it. In fact, it's now become a reality. Before, it was just theoretical. It could be happening, but it may not come to fruition. Now it's real. It hit me on Sunday, which also happened to be my father's 52nd birthday. This is one of those times that McHottie was telling me about, I am pretty sure. You know, the times where I take the box off the shelf, dust it off, open it, shed some tears...and put it back on the shelf.

I felt oddly compelled to go to a gas station (because I'm too cheap to waste good flowers on someone like him) and buy flowers. Then I would have taken the flowers to a cemetery, ripped off the petals, and then tossed them onto someone's grave. For someone who hasn't experienced this kind of thing, I'm sure it's a difficult concept to grasp...and I can't fully explain it myself. Instead, I went to the grocery with no phone, and I decided to focus in on myself. When I'm grieving, it helps me. Some people like to be comforted with closeness, but I find that to make me much more emotional and affected. I'd rather be alone with my thoughts and feelings and have them in peace without affecting anyone else or allowing anyone else to affect me. This is difficult for Hubby, especially because he can't stand to see me hurting. He wants to reach out and hold me, and I just want to be wrapped in a warm breeze from Mother Nature.

Even looking back to several years ago with my college boyfriend, he never understood why I would leave when we'd argue. I would take a drive in my convertible and let the wind blow through my hair, let music penetrate my soul...and just be with myself. It was the ultimate freedom for me. I need that freedom. I need the freedom to express myself and just let go, even if it's just for a few moments. I remember going to a park and writing in my journal...I'd always come back ready to talk, but I needed to gather myself first. I digress.

I found I had this lump in my throat while I was shopping that I just couldn't shake. It was annoying the living hell out of me, and I was plenty hydrated. I just couldn't figure out what the problem was. However, when I pulled into my drive at home, the answer was strewn about my face in the form of tears...literally pouring salt onto my wounds. I sat silently while they fell, wiped my face, and went inside to finish my day...

Yesterday I did probably the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life, excluding removing the toxic blood from my life. I sat in front of my screen with my coffee, and the river began to flow...As the first tear splashed on my desk, my phone started to ring. It was MamaBear. At that point, all bets were off, and I wasn't able to stop the salty river from trespassing.

MamaBear has been put in an extremely difficult and unfair position in that she has one daughter getting married and about to experience what should be the happiest moment of her life to this point and the other who is grieving over the loss of a sister and the lack of involvement and inclusion in that milestone. She has to take a side, unfortunately. You just cannot straddle that line. There is no way that she will be able to put her focus on my sister's happy milestone while still supporting me. Supporting me takes the focus off of my sister and puts the spotlight on the feud. I refuse to allow that, as my sister (despite my feelings about her choices in her own life and the way she's treated me) deserves to have her moment. Her moment should be hers and hers alone. It shouldn't be tarnished by my grief, my hurt, and my anger.

So I laid down my sword. I told MamaBear that I love her, and I asked her not to call me until after she gets back home. I asked her to let me know, preferably via text message, that she arrived safely. However, that's all. She felt awful. I know she did. She didn't even really know what to say. I just told her that I have an excellent support system here, and right now, she needs to be happy and focus on my sister. I meant every last word of it. I rather surprised myself in this, actually. I hadn't planned on telling her this, nor had I ever thought I'd be in a position to do so...but that's what happened.

I am keeping myself busy this week, but even that hasn't kept my mind from the impending nuptials. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Being excluded from something this monumental brings an incredible amount of trauma to my life, as selfish as that may seem. I never imagined I'd be completely excluded from my only sister's wedding...ever. Some people think I should just go and sit quietly in the back...and those people just don't understand how much it will destroy me. Someone else will hold her bouquet of lilies...Someone else will brush the one stray curl from her face...Someone else will make sure her train is perfectly lain at the alter...The thought alone absolutely crushes my soul; I can't imagine actually watching it play out in person.

So I've made other plans, though I have no idea what they are. I like it that way. I have something with which to look forward. I have positivity on the horizon, rather than the option to grieve over a loss outside of my control. And in the meantime, I have an amazing support system of my friends...who have become my family.

Here's to true love...

The Dirty Little Secret of Sleeping Thru The Night

So I've taken a bit of a commercial break, if you will, from the blogging lately. Our summer has started off on a very busy note. Hubby switched jobs out of nowhere on the fly (thank GAWD), Big Monster is doing her summer activities, Little Monster doing swim lessons, and the dog is pretty much getting neglected (not ACTUALLY neglected, so nobody needs to call PETA). So that's where I've been.

I wanted to talk a bit about the Little Monster though. See, for 18 months she didn't sleep through the night. EIGHTEEN MONTHS. I know that moms don't get a whole lot of sleep, but damn! Come on, already, right?! I am a fuckin' soldier at this point. I prayed and prayed and prayed to some man in the sky to just let this girl sleep through the night. I tried every trick in the book. I did. She was determined to outsmart me and my mommy tricks. So fine. I just went happily (and sometimes not so happily) along the ride of 1-3 sleep interruptions a night.

So one day about a week and a half ago, I decided I'd try a different approach. This was a completely last ditch effort, a bit of an experiment. I said, "I would literally sell my soul to get my child to sleep thru the night at this point." Whatever dark magic that Hades possesses, I just want to say "THANK YOU." She has been sleeping thru the night ever since. And honestly, I was probably going to Hell anyway...so at least I got something out of it, right?! It will be worth every minute of eternity I spend roasting in the fiery depths of the Underworld, though. I mean, at least I can get 7 hours of consecutive sleep now before my 3 year-old comes into my bedroom in the morning with the news of, "Mommy, I put the sun up! It's time to get up! I need some milk and some cereal please!" This morning message is sometimes accompanied with a slap on the cheek (a loving one, of course) and the pulling off of my comforter. Now, if only I could get her to bring me a cup of coffee first...

The Best Thing Since Microwave S'mores: The S'mortini

Well friends, I have done it yet again. What, you ask? Well, I've come up with an amazing recipe for something you just won't be able to live without this summer! I mean, I know it's an American tradition to make s'mores around the campfire, but let's face it. Once you hit 21, they start to lose their novelty. So, here's what I suggest instead.

The S'mortini

What You'll Need

Smirnoff Fluffed Marshmallow flavored vodka

White Creme de cocoa (that's the clear one, folks)

Chocolate syrup

graham cracker crumbs

What You Do

Rim the martini glass with chocolate sauce, and you can drip some into the glass as well to make it look pretty. Rim the glass with the graham cracker crumbs. Shake equal parts of the vodka and creme de cocoa over ice. Strain it into the glass, and drop a few mini marshmallows for garnish. ENJOY!

Domestic Goddess: Garage Sale Warrior

Some of you may know this about me, or maybe you have gathered it from some of my prior postings. However, for those of you who aren't aware, I am a bad bitch. In other words, you don't want to fuck with me. It's that simple. I will rock your socks as your friend, but cross me or anyone I love, and you won't soon forget it.

One of my very favorite weekend activities when the weather is cooperative (and sometimes when it's not) is to hit up the local garage sales. I call it garage saling. No, it's not spelled "sailing" because that doesn't make any fucking sense. I am not sailing; I am sale-ing, which grammatically works out to be saling. Anyhow, it's fun for me, and I have found some of the BEST things in my house at garage sales for ridiculously cheap prices. It's one of those things where either people have no idea what they have -OR- they just want to get it the fuck out of their house. I digress.

Our story begins on a Friday morning, yesterday to be exact. I thought I had scored a major deal on a Coach handbag for $20. It was this mint green color that I'd never seen. I thought $20 was a steal for it...It turns out it was more of a steal than I thought...Hubby could have slapped me upside the head when he got home and looked at it because even he could tell right away that it was a counterfeit bag. Doh! I resolved that I would take this illegal piece of merchandise back to the sale this morning and get my money back. I will not be throwing away $20, and I certainly want no part of the counterfeit bag market. I don't live in Chinatown, and I am scared shitless of consequences.

Before going to the sale in question, I hit up several other sales earlier in the morning since this ad specifically disclosed "NO EARLY BIRDS" with about 17 exclamation points. Clearly, these people value their sleep. Well, when 9:30 rolled around, I decided it was time to head in that direction. Upon arrival, there was the sweetest older lady who was keeping watch over things. The Faux-ch wasn't hers, but she assured me that her daughter would most certainly refund my money once she got back from putting up the signs. No problem. I waited patiently for her return.

When she got back, I showed her the bag and told her that it was counterfeit, and she acted slightly (although now I am pretty sure it was an act) surprised. "Hmmm," was her response when I pointed out the flaws in the bag.

Me: So, I'd like to get my money back.

Garage Sale Lady: Well, I'm not sure if I can give you your money back.

Me: What do you mean?

GSL: Well, I mean, I'm not a store.

Me: Okay? What does that have to do with anything?

GSL: Well, I don't have any of the money from yesterday here. I only have change for paying customers.

Me: STUNNED SILENCE

GSL's mom: I'll give her the money back.
GSL's mom then went inside. While I waited for her return, I spoke a little bit more with this crazy woman who refused to return my money.

Me: You do realize it's illegal to sell a counterfeit bag, right?

GSL: Well, I could see if I was representing the bag as a Coach, but I didn't know that it was a fake bag. And I bought it from another garage sale. I guess I should return it to that one and try to get my money back, right? I've learned over the years that when you buy something at a garage sale, you're taking a chance.

Me: Okay, well, you know NOW that it's fake, and you refuse to give me my money back. That makes it illegal. And it isn't my problem that you didn't take the bag back in the first place. I don't throw my money away, and I certainly don't purchase illegal merchandise.

GSL: Well, my mom's going to give you your money back.

Me: That's very kind of her

GSL: Yes it is.

Can you people believe this shit?! I was seriously ready to call the police. Sure, it's only $20, but come the fuck on already! If that happened to me, I would have been absolutely embarrassed and would have refunded the money without a second thought. I would have felt absolutely terrible. Hubby asked me yesterday if I was actually going to go back and try to get my money, and I told him of course! Hello, how could anyone deny me my money if I had the balls to actually come back in the first place?! Well, this lady was one tough (and crazy) nut to crack. Fortunately, her mother was very sweet. If she hadn't been, I would have called the authorities. I don't mess around when it comes to my money, and I won't take any shit from anybody.

Moral of the story: I have no clue how to spot a counterfeit bag. My husband does. And clearly, I am a warrior when it comes to garage saling.

Here's to Karma!

Pink Lemonade Fruit Dip

Pink Lemonade Fruit Dip

So, if you are looking for a recipe for the best fruit dip you've ever tasted, you've come to the right place! I was looking for a fruit dip that would be similar to one I had been coerced into making for a Tastefully Simple party (BLECH) only 1000% better. Well, leave it to me to come up with it on my own! 

What You'll Need

8 oz whipped cream cheese

8 oz low-fat vanilla yogurt

1 packet Pink Lemonade Kool-Aid

¼ cup sugar

Blend it all together, and chill it in the fridge for an hour pre-party. Serve with all of your favorite fruits!

Will The Real [Sleaze] Please Stand Up?

Well, speaking of a side of smack-a-bitch...Man, I just can't leave well enough alone. When you start going on this journey of healing and therapy and therapy and healing, you start to realize (well, I have anyway) that there is a gigantic path of destruction behind you. It's like you've been this tornado for years upon years. You've destroyed all these relationships, all these people...and at the end, you're standing alone in a field wondering what the fuck happened and where everyone went.

That's why I needed to start this journey. Toxins are so nasty, right? I mean, they infect every area of your life, essentially. So, I grew up with a shitty parent (sometimes 2). This parent treated me like crap, and I lashed out. I lashed out at him, but that didn't get me anywhere. So, I just continued to be destructive in other relationships instead. I was taking out my resentment and anger on the wrong people. I was blaming people for things that were completely out of their control and, frankly, that they didn't even know existed. How could they? I didn't even really know...

So, before I get to the point in my life where I'm completely alone, I am glad that I am waking up. I'm glad that I am realizing that if I don't cut the crap that I will be flying solo.

So...there was this guy. I was 17 years old. The moment that we laid eyes on each other, I just kinda knew. I just knew there was something magical about him and our connection. It sounds lame. It's romance movie stuff, really. It's that moment in time where the universe pauses. You take a deep breath, and you realize that you're not dreaming. This was the first time that I saw his smile. His smile changed my life forever. I chose to go to a college because of that smile. Looking back, I totally made a decision to go to a college for a boy. A boy. Sure, the school was gorgeous, the weather was beautiful, palm trees were everywhere, and it was far, far away from home. These things were all important, but I didn't even make it into the program for which I had auditioned. I chose Arizona because of this guy. He was my tour guide. Well, I guess he did a damn good job, right?!

Anyway, for some reason, we had this crazy connection. We stayed in touch and developed a long distance relationship. It was unavoidable. We were put together, and that's just how it was. I remember coming home from visiting him once, and I had his letters...his fraternity letters. This is like completely forbidden, right? I was on the plane, wearing his sweatshirt and just drinking in his scent. My feelings were so intense that I can almost still smell it if I try. I have the most wonderful and fantastic memories of our relationship. I really do. At the same time, though, there was something that was wrong. I am not sure if it was timing or if there was something else, but something happened.

I was ready to move forward, and he wasn't. He was enjoying the "college life," living with his friends/brother, partying, and just generally being able to be free (I think). I remember in the beginning that his feelings scared him. He wasn't looking for a girlfriend, and by no means was I looking for a long distance college-aged boyfriend when I was 17. The thing was, though, that I wanted something that he either didn't want or he just wasn't ready for it. Back then, I just blamed it on him. I assumed he was cheating on me. I even had a scapegoat. It was a rivalry that was completely unnecessary had I been confident, sure of myself and our relationship. Unfortunately, I wasn't. It completely ate at me, and I ended up sabotaging the relationship.

Years have passed, and over the years we have crossed paths. I have had some pretty fucked up shit happen to me, both by no fault of my own and some completely my doing. In crossing paths with him, I was vindictive. I was horrible. I remember once he called me a monster. The sad thing was that he was completely right. I was a monster. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the way that I had felt back when he hurt me, even though I'm not so sure that I didn't do it to myself. I hurt him to a point that I don't deserve forgiveness.

It's maddening that someone can still get to you after that many years. I sent him a message, though, and I asked if he'd be willing to have a conversation with me via email. Unfortunately for me, he read "Photoshop for Life" first. I totally called him a sleaze in that entry. My mouth has always gotten me into trouble. That experience, though, was so confusing for me. He lied to me. My mother lied to me. They both wanted it to be a surprise that he was coming to my graduation, and when I saw him there as I was walking down the steps after receiving my diploma...the Universe paused again. It was as if a knife had just been driven into my back right then and there. I was so happy and at the same time, I felt completely betrayed. I was told he couldn't make it because his grandmother had passed away. This is the second time I've been told that someone has died in order to deceive me, in case we're counting. I'm not even going to try to excuse what I said about him, the same way there's no excuse for my calling one of my now good friends a homewrecking whore. It was hurtful...and clearly, I was wrong.

Here's the thing, though. I just wanted to extend the olive branch. I wanted him to know that I get it. I totally understand that I was terrible to him at times. Screw the knife in the back; I plunged it directly into his heart and stood there and watched him bleed. I feel awful about it. I don't expect him to forgive me, but I just thought it was important that he knows that I know that I fucked it up. So this is why I sent him the email. I wanted to ask him if he was willing to hear me out...and he heard me loud and clear...It just wasn't what I really wanted to say to him. He knows how to scold me, though. He knows exactly what to say to me to really put me in my proverbial place.

So, he said "There is a deep chasm between the [woman] who earned such a treasured spot in my mind, and the woman I occasionally crossed paths with in the years following our relationship.
It's easy for me to distinguish between the two...One will always be ardently remembered throughout my life, which only occurs when a great love is shared. The other, post-relationship woman is so different as to not even be the same person."

I know this is coming from a place of hurt. I know that he has no idea of any of the pain that I have encountered to get to where I am today. He really only knew me for a sliver of my life, and truthfully, I wasn't even self-aware at that point. My mom has often said a similar thing to me regarding the person I was before versus the person I am now. She'll say that me 5 years ago would have gotten upset, screamed, went off the deep end, etc. had something happened, but today I am calm in the face of conflict and am able to take criticism for what it is. I hate the notion that I am a different person, though. It really gets to me. I'm the same person, but I have grown. That's the purpose of life. We make mistakes, we learn from them (hopefully), and we are better for it. 

The interesting thing about what he wrote to me is that he is completely right. He's right and yet sooooo completely off-base that it's nearly comical. The person that I was when I was with him was a person who was lost. I was a person who was looking for a guide. I needed that then. I needed someone to hold my hand and show me the world. I needed a person to show me what I could be, what I was capable of becoming. Unfortunately, he wouldn't see the fruits of his labor. It wasn't within me at the time, and the time that passed between then and now he hasn't been a part of my life. He doesn't realize that the post-relationship woman that I am now is so much more than I ever imagined I could be. I am strong. I am humble. I am hardened and yet still sympathetic. I am aware that I am flawed, and back then I could do no wrong. I am patient. I am forgiving. I am kind...I am willing to swallow my pride and go "back to December" in order to ease the pain that I have caused him.

I remember saying that he was my puzzle piece. I fit perfectly into his arms. I felt like he was protecting me, and he really was. What neither of us realized at the time, though, was that he was protecting me from myself. So maybe he wasn't such a sleaze after all...Maybe I was the sleaze in sheep's clothing. Anyway, I truly hope that he will come to understand that though I may not be the person he loved then, I am a much better person because he loved me.

Here's to forgiveness...

The Destructive Power of the Apt Toddler

There are days that I wonder why I ever bother cleaning. These days have become abundant with having 2 small monsters running circles around me. I have avoided cleaning for a few weeks, mainly because of the family chaos, but I made a commitment to my very patient and loving Hubby that I would make an effort this week. That said, it seemed to be a fruitless one.

The toddler is a very adept creature. She is reminiscent of the Tasmanian Devil. My little monster is the fastest, most destructive toddler I have ever encountered...and I was a nanny for several years before having my own children. I really thought it would prepare me for being in the trenches...Not. So.

Anyway, last night was quite a treat. Mind you, I'm not talking about a chocolate-covered strawberry DQ Blizzard type of treat. I'm talking about a marathoner. I nursed the Little Monster at 7:30pm, 10:00pm, 1:00am and gave in once again at 3:30am...Come 5:00am when she started her Siren song, I decided I had enough. I called for reinforcements: Hubby. A fat lot of good that did...as he brought her to me 5 minutes later saying that she refused a sippy of milk and a trot around the house. W.T.F. He practically flung her at me and proceeded to continue his reverie and chorus of snoring. Meanwhile, I was left with LM...and empty ya-yas. I rubbed her back until my arm went numb, and then I woke up Mr. Happypants and made him take LM back to bed. Thankfully, she stayed asleep until I had to take the Monster to preschool.

When I got back from dropping off the Monster, it was time to get to work. I had said that I would clean up the girls' rooms today since I had cleaned the kitchen and the not-so-great room yesterday. Little did I know what a task that would be. I was super tired when I got LM up this morning, with bags under my eyes that would clearly not fit in the overhead compartment of a 757. The bags under my eyes must have blinded me because when I got home to start on Little Monster's room, I was baffled.

I had to laugh. There was nothing else I could do. And then I brewed a second pot of coffee because it was clearly going to be a long day. Thankfully, she stayed out of my way long enough for me to pick it all up off the floor and put back into place. I also had more laundry to put away, and as I was doing that I found several Little People in various drawers of her dresser. I guess I should look at that as hope that she does intend to put things away, but she didn't know exactly where once she had destroyed the storage area entirely? The thing is, though, that as much work as it is to clean up after a toddler, it's worth it. They're only small for such a short amount of time...And these are the stories with which I can torture them and threaten that their children will be just as Tasmanian Devilish as they are :-)

Here's to the unforgettable moments...

Thirsty Thursday...With a Side of Smack-a-Bitch

So it's Thursday. I pretty much despise Thursday anymore because Hubby works until 7. This means that from dawn until bath time, I am the Big Kahuna, The Head Honcho, or whatever the fuck you want to call me. I think the more appropriate name would be: CRAZY. However, today was an especially fun Thursday. Big Monster's preschool class had a special presentation for Mother's Day today, and so I went to her school for that before lunch. It was adorable...and the worst part (yes, that's what I said) was that I just started my period yesterday, so my hormones are fucking out of control. They started to sing this song about how they are growing bigger everyday, and I almost lost it! Ugh. Yes, I get it. My baby is growing up...We don't need to sing a damn song about it!!! Anyway, it was super sweet, even though she's a total Indian giver and took my paper flowers back from me...

After that, I went home to clean. Boo. I hate cleaning, but our house was at the point where it actually looked like we lost a family member or two...so it was time to stop sulking and clean up the mess. It actually felt good to fold clothes, vacuum and wipe off the kitchen counters. It was, well...cleansing!
After cleaning, it was time to pick up the Monster from preschool, and then we headed to the mall. Hubby has an important meeting on Saturday, and so we needed to pick out some snazzy clothes for him to wear since all he owns are work uniforms, ripped jeans and t-shirts. Monster picked out his shirt, and she didn't do a bad job at all! Of course they both behaved, but that was due to the fact that I had bribed them with both food and playtime. We had a quick bite at the food court, and then it was off to the mall play area... <insert horror movie soundtrack here>

What the hell is wrong with parents these days?! I mean, honestly, I feel like some parents see what looks to be a "corral" of sorts, and so they think it's fair game for a hen session, reading time, or who the fuck knows what exactly. All I know is that I was following both of my little monsters around, meanwhile trying to play bodyguard and referee for the parents who weren't doing their jobs. I put up with it long enough for them to get out a good amount of energy, and then when a little Hispanic girl yelled at me in Spanish that my monster needed to "get in line over there" for the slide, I had enough. She was literally standing there yelling at me to get my monster to stand in a line that wouldn't have even existed had she just gone her bossy ass down the damn thing in the first place. That mother is lucky it's illegal to smack a bitch...because I would have.

Instead, I bribed my monsters with a cookie, and they were happy to leave the prison yard...I mean play area. Ugh. I am just happy to be home with a glass of Sangria and a helpful Hubby now...and please, readers, don't ever let me catch one of you not paying attention to your kids at the damn mall. You never know when I might actually lose it and smack a bitch. It could be you. Just sayin'.

Here's to Thirsty Thursdays...

Forgive This!

I want to talk about forgiveness for a bit. Since I am on a 'healing' kick lately, I want to talk about that. I want to explore what it means in theory, in practice, and whether or not it's actually a practicality. I always wonder why people say to forgive and forget. I understand the forgiving part, but why am I expected to forget? And can one actually forget what needed forgiving? We are shaped by our past experiences, both good and bad. So, if I was to forget something that has shaped me, it would make me less of who I am. I might also forget any lesson that was learned in the process...And since life is a journey and a learning process, I am not so keen on that idea.

So forgiving is is the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. There are a lot of pretty strong words in that sentence. Honestly, there is a lot of negativity in not so many words. I think there are several things of note in the concept of forgiveness itself. First, there is the perceived offense. Please understand that by saying perceived, one recognizes that the party who feels offended, whether it was intentional or not, it is said party's reality. Perception is reality to that individual. It is a means of discovery through our 5 senses. The second part to forgiving is letting go of the need for justice. In other words, you are letting go of everything negative with regard to the perceived offense. So you are letting go of the anger and hurt as well as the need for justice. So how do we get there?

Well, the Bible would say that you just go. Christians are taught to forgive out of obedience to their Lord. Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
Is this practical? Does that actually work? This idea implies that we let go of the anger, resentment, hurt and need for any justice without needing anything in return. The offender is not required to acknowledge, take responsibility or even apologize in order to be forgiven. I'm not a person to hold a grudge, but damn, that seems rather insane, if you ask me. (Note to self: add to list of reasons why I no longer practice the Christian faith). I have no problem forgiving someone for hurting me, but they damn well better realize they did it and do something about it. Without acknowledging that we have been hurt or offended, I don't really think it's possible for those feelings to dissipate. Maybe that is just me, but to me, it's a recipe for disaster. I wouldn't think it would be healthy for Hubby and I to have a disagreement, he throws a dish or 2 at me, and then later I just "forgive" him. I put that in quotes because without Hubby recognizing that he probably shouldn't have thrown the damn dishes in the first place, I wouldn't be able to let go of the hurt. If Hubby doesn't apologize or acknowledge his action was offensive, I'm pretty sure things like that would continue to happen, which wouldn't be very helpful to our relationship.

That being said, let me put this into context for you in a case where it is possible to forgive someone and actually heal and move forward. I'm not saying to forget, mind you. I am saying to forgive and move forward. My ex husband and I separated near the end of 2006. It was so hard for me. I remember going to lunch with him at Chili's (I hated Chili's) when the final decision was made. I drove down from Phoenix, where I was staying with a friend and working. I ordered the Cajun chicken pasta. That's how vivid my memory is of that moment. I remember we just didn't have much to say to each other. We'd spent so much energy arguing and fighting and disagreeing that we had nothing left. I wanted to work it out. I really did. I think I wanted to work it out, though, for all the wrong reasons. The first one that comes to mind? There's that voice in my head saying, "I knew it wouldn't last. You guys had no idea what you were getting yourselves into...you are too young..." #FAILURE. I didn't want to work it out because I was in love with him. I wanted to work it out because I wanted to do something right. However, he didn't. He told me no, and that was that. I was just completely baffled. I felt abandoned, alone, like a scared little girl in the middle of an amusement park having just lost her mother...Like there were thousands of people scurrying along...and my mother was nowhere in sight. I couldn't believe it...But it happened.

He filed for divorce In July of 2007. I'll never forget that day. I started smoking that day. I got the divorce papers in the mail, went to the liquor store...and sat out front getting wasted and smoking. What the hell else was I supposed to do, right? I mean, it wasn't even that I wanted to get back together with him at that point. It was the finality. That was it. It was really done. I signed my name, and there goes my marriage. It was another tick mark on the failure chart of life. It was a tumultuous summer for me, and during that time was when I made the brilliant choice to enter the military. It's so funny because I think a lot of people do that...Like, hey, I am in the middle of a complete mindfuck right now. I think I'll join the military to take my mind off that! I say that now, and it sounds absolutely ridiculous. It actually was pretty fucking ridiculous. I thought I could run away to the military the way that people run away to the circus. I mean, the difference here though, is that the circus is meant to be fun. The military is basically legal cruel & unusual punishment. And, as you may have read from a recent entry, that was an epic fail as well. I mean, looking back, I'm not surprised at all. There is no way I was mentally fit enough to handle that kind of shit. Although, I'm not sure anyone is...

So anyway, 3 weeks before I left for boot camp, I found out from a mutual friend that my ex husband's girlfriend was pregnant. Well, if that wouldn't send me into a downward spiral, I'm really not sure anything could. It was horrible. I cried for a week straight. I didn't even know what to do with myself. I was so stricken with grief for several reasons. For one, if the divorce papers weren't final enough, I'm pretty sure a baby would solidify that. Second, I wanted a baby. He didn't. He said he wasn't ready, that we weren't ready. It was a huge reason that our marriage fell apart. And finally, of all people in this world that could have been having his baby, it was her. It was the one girl that he had talked about for the entire term of our relationship. It was the girl who looked like me. It was the girl that he had spent 6 months of his life crying after they had broken up, who had kept him from sleeping in his own bed for that entire time. Of course I had to lose to her. I had suspected there was something going on between the 2 of them before we had split. He had been talking to her online, and I didn't want him to be doing that. I knew that if there was one person who could get between us, it would be her. So, this news of the baby confirmed that for me...

Fast forward to this past December 2011. I have an Ebay store, and I'm selling children's clothes. It has been going really well, and I enjoy it. Well, as I was closing out some of my auctions, I saw her name. She had bought a dress from me. I almost threw up on my keyboard. What. The. Fuck. Paranoia and anxiety immediately welled up inside of me, and I called for Hubby to come and see. There was her name. There was their address. I thought for sure this was some sort of stalking venture. I thought for sure it was some way of just trying to get to me. Now that I am typing that, it sounds crazy to me. Yeesh. Anyway, I text messaged my ex and asked him if I could just cancel the transaction. I just couldn't do it. They both got a good laugh out of it. Meanwhile, I was having a panic attack and an Asthma attack at the same fucking time over this shit. Apparently, I had failed to let go of something.

She ended up leaving me negative feedback on Ebay, and it rather pissed me off. I felt like I had done nothing wrong, other than kindly asking to cancel the transaction. She mistakenly thought that I had relisted the dress at double the price, but I had just listed it for the price she would have paid with free shipping. Anyway, she wasn't happy; I wasn't happy...and I basically called her a homewrecking whore on Ebay. SHAME ON ME. We got into a conversation of Facebook about it, and I learned the truth. It was an extremely coincidental turn of events that had happened, and she didn't know my side of the story either. I felt awful for doing what I did, and thankfully, it was able to be undone. She felt bad, too, and we both corrected our mistakes. I sent her a box full of clothes for her little girl, in hopes that it would make up for the dress that I refused to sell her. And now? We are becoming great friends. She has been so incredibly kind to me, and she didn't have to be. We have truly forgiven each other...And how did we get there? Well, it damn sure wasn't by glossing over the details and choosing just to forget anything.

We both recognized the hurt that we caused each other...We apologized for it, and we won't do it again. Brooke, your kindness and compassion will never be forgotten. You have been an amazing friend to me, and I look forward to what the future holds for us and for both of our families. I am so thankful that we were able to rectify our situation, as I am sure that it has been helpful for both of us. Though our friendship shouldn't even be possible, it is made possible through the promise of forgiveness, peace and love.

Here's to the Exes...

Damned If You Do...

So it's been an eventful few days...you know, the kind of days that have a person emptying a couple bottles of wine and popping Xanax like they're candy. The whole clusterfuck with my dad, well, that was a fail on my part. Part of me knew I shouldn't have sent the text. I just knew nothing good would come of it. It was my way of respectfully asking him to respect my boundaries...and there is no way to respectfully ask him to do anything that he has every intent of doing, the same way that there is no way of respectfully disagreeing with him. So, in the back of my mind, I had a feeling that it would explode...and it did. He's never been a man to disappoint.

Meanwhile, I received an invitation to my sister's wedding...I opened it up, took a picture...and sent it to the Goddesses.

They all had absolutely hilarious commentary for it, and I found it to be momentarily comforting. Some said it was the most complicated invitation they'd ever seen...Someone else asked, "is that a list of their favorite restaurants?!" And of course, there was the ever popular faux pas of including the registry card along with the invitation...At any rate, it was fun to enjoy a few laughs, though I did feel a bit guilty that it was at her expense. The bomb dropped, though, when one of the Goddesses posted a link to their wedding website...and a few of them posted comments on the virtual guest book saying things like, "you are so lucky to have such a great sister. I can't wait to see her and the girls dressed up," and "you and D deserve each other," just totally passive-aggressive attacks...As soon as I found out that they had done this, I told them they needed to remove them because I just knew it would come back to haunt me...Plus, I knew McHottie would shake is finger at me. Mainly, though, I knew she would completely flip out over it, and I was already dealing with enough bullshit from my father. Anyway, they couldn't delete their comments. #Fuckstick. The Goddesses were placing bets as to how long it would take for me to take a beating...and oddly, the beating never came.

Well, the beating never came my way...Instead, poor Mama Bear had to catch the heat...you know, since you can't argue with crazy. Keep in mind that I am clearly, way...waaay out there. Apparently, Mama Bear received several frantic text messages from my sister about Operation: Wedding Website wHackery...Needless to say, she thought it was completely inappropriate. In addition, there was a status update on the subject on D's page in which I was called out for being "evil," among other negative adjectives. I do think it's funny that I knew it would come back to me. I mean, all I did was post the damn photo of the invitation...I can't help it that my friends will stab someone in the eye to protect me! I mean, we honestly 150% have each others' backs. To them, the things they said needed to be said...and they knew that I would remain silent.

So Mama Bear tried to deflect a bit, although I knew it would fall on deaf ears. Clearly, I am manipulating anyone that is involved in my life in any way...because that makes sense. It's the only thing that could possibly explain why anyone would agree with me on anything. And truthfully, I am just blowing $200 for every session I spend with McHottie. I am just there to manipulate him as well. Dear readers, do any of you find this a logical thinking pattern? I certainly don't. If nothing else, I am not a person to waste my money. I will get every bloody dollar's worth of my time with McHottie...It's the only way I don't come home and hurl over the money that I hemorrhage every single time I sit on that green sofa. 

Speaking of the green sofa...I sauntered into Doc McHottie's office this morning with a small gift: some movie candy...because I didn't know what bon-bons are exactly, but I wanted to start out on a light note by telling him that my life is, quite obviously, a soap opera plot line. I'm not sure how much of a sense of humor he has, though, as he was more worried about my giving him "gifts"...I was like, "simmer down, McHottie...It's a joke." I did get him to crack a brief smile, but I don't think it had the desired effect. Either way, our session was a marathoner today. And, like a soap opera, it didn't have a happy ending...and it totally left me hanging.

We talked about some really interesting things, though, including his "boring" conversation with my cool-as-a-cucumber father. This was an interesting part, though, and I am really glad that he spoke with Father Crazypants. McHottie was also glad he spoke with him, although he did allude to the fact that Father Crazypants is rather "wordy." So, after we spoke about their conversation, I played McHottie the voicemail I received in response to my clearly disrespectful, manipulative and psychotic text message <insert sarcasm here>....I'm pretty sure his eyeballs nearly fell out of his gorgeous face...and then he said, "Well....That was insulting." I breathed a sigh of relief at that moment because it really gave me some validation as to my feelings on the matter. I was absolutely shaking like a Polaroid picture when McHottie told me how calm and collected Crazypants was. I would say that it was unbelievable, but it's not. So, in response to his comment on the voicemail, all I could muster was..."This is my life."

The session ebbed and flowed from there, back and forth between the latest conflicts between Crazypants and my sister. He asked me, "why are you here? What can I do to facilitate this for you?" I didn't know how to answer...and he said, "I get the feeling that you came here looking for a diagnosis...so that we could 'fix' you, and then you could take sole responsibility for the issues with your father and your sister and then have the relationships with them that you want..." BINGO, Doc. And that's why I pay you close to $200 an hour. I went there because I wanted to be the problem. I wanted to have some delusional mental disorder that causes me to behave irrationally, which is why I am being accused of being so. Unfortunately for me (I think?), that isn't the case.

I asked him what to do with the overly complex, under-cultured invitation...and then I proceeded to tell him my sadistic fantasies regarding it.
A. Send it back immediately, responding that we would decline, but it would look like this:
           4  Regretfully decline
B. Send it back with our regrets, along with a note saying that I would send a gift, but I can't afford it because my therapy is too fucking expensive.
C. Burn it. And then flush it down the toilet.

I asked him if it was wrong for me to have those feelings...and he kind of basically said that it isn't wrong to have those feelings because I am angry and hurt, but acting out on a couple of them, namely A & B, would be passive-aggressive and would not help me to my end goal, which is at this point, just to still the water. I told him that Mark suggested just not responding at all. McHottie said that he agrees that would be a good solution because "the best way to communicate that you don't want to communicate is by not communicating." Ahh-haa! So with that said, I think I will choose option C, minus the toilet. I have a bonfire coming up this weekend, and I am sure that invitation will make great kindling for some s'mores. I think it will also be cathartic for me...

So, in the meantime, I will just drown the drama in wine and dream of the next time I get to sit on the green sofa...

Here's to the trouble-makers (I'm looking at you, Goddesses)!