I'm supposed to be talking to myself these days now...more than usual...different than the usual, I suppose. I am supposed to be working on convincing myself that everyone in my life who has been close to me for most (or all) of my life is wrong. To quote: "Your father's abandonment...your mother's criticism...your sister's sense of entitlement and competition...Those things have no bearing on your daily life." I have to push everything that I've been told aside and, instead, focus on what I know to be true in my heart. *Ahem* What I know to be true (apparently, somewhere deep down) is that I am fucking awesome, basically. I'm seriously laughing as I type this, though, because I am not sure where exactly that deep down place is.
I've been taught to find imperfections in everything I do: my house is messy, my kids are undisciplined, I have no college degree, I have no job, no direction. I'm divorced. I was kicked out of the Coast Guard. I'm certifiably insane. I have at least 3 gray hairs, I have expression lines in my forehead...I am mean to my husband, I can't bake, I'm an alcoholic (though non-practicing)...I have shitty credit...A couple of my back molars are slightly crooked. My ears are oddly small. I have a flair for the dramatics and, in fact, I purposely seek out drama. I'm narcissistic. I'm fat. I'm a liar. I manipulate people. I have a "Princess Complex" (whatever that means). The list goes on, I'm quite sure. The closest people in your life are the ones with the power to hurt you the most. They know the buttons so well that they can push them even while texting and driving. It's that easy.
The funny (horrifying?) thing is that all of the things that I listed above are things that are true and/or things that I've been told by various members of my family. I'm not even sure that these people meant to hurt me, or definitely didn't mean to inflict nearly as much damage as they have over the years. I don't think these people really thought about how the things they said could (did) affect me. McHottie tells me that I have all the right tools to believe in myself, be successful and happy and healthy, and yet...I can't manage to get there. It's like I have all the tools to fix myself, and I have no idea how to use them. Someone needs to give me an instruction manual for this shit. Seriously.
People see a false sense of confidence in me whenever I compliment myself or talk about how awesome I am. It's like I'm talking to myself, trying to make myself believe what I'm saying...but really, it's total bullshit. When someone compliments me, it makes me feel uncomfortable...and I'm not sure how to react. I mean, it's one of two ways: you're lying, but thanks for trying to make me feel better... ~or~ I know, right?! I mean, I guess the normal reaction to a compliment is to thank the person...but I'm so accustomed to waiting for the "but" at the end of the compliment that it seems like the person isn't finished.
Example: "You are so beautiful..." but your ears are a bit small. <---see?? So I'm kind of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I swear to you it's true. There is always a "but" in my family.
So, NOW when someone compliments me (because it does happen quite often, actually), I need to learn to say "thank you" externally and via my internal monologue say, "you're damn right, biatch!" It's funny that I am laughing as I type. The thought of telling myself that I am a good person kinda cracks me up. I shouldn't have to do it. I shouldn't have to feel more like a crazy person by talking to myself in order to feel less like a crazy person who has no self-worth. Alas, my world is full of ironic twists, isn't it? McHottie says to talk to myself. He says to tell myself that I am a good person. I am fair. I am forgiving. I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am talented. <---already feeling like a Narcissist. <---Shut up, asshole. McHottie told you to do this. (see my inner conflict here?)
It's interesting to me that I am so careful about what I say and the things that I do now, though. I'm so calculated because I care deeply about the people in my life. I care about how I make them feel. I even care about people that I don't know in that I have a sense of responsibility to humanity as a whole. King tells me that the way that I view the world, though, isn't how everyone else does. In fact, it is apparently not how most people view others. I told him that I think it's so much harder to be an asshole than it is to be a good person. It's so easy for me to love. It's easy for me to reach out to people, make friends, do nice things, and take care of people. It makes me feel amazing inside and out. Conversely, I feel like absolute shit if I am nasty to someone just for the sake of being nasty. That's not to say that I can't get mean (because my blog is living proof that I can, when necessary), but it takes more effort...a LOT more effort.
I guess I just wish that my family viewed the world the way that I do. I wish they would see the beauty in the world, instead of the imperfections. I wish they would see how much I have done with my life, rather than what I wasn't able to do or didn't finish. I wish they would see the things that McHottie sees in me...I wish they would see the things King sees. In fact, I wish I could see those things. I want so desperately to push all of the negativity and harsh criticism out of my head and my heart and just realize (truly) what those who love me (the ones who TRULY love me) see in me:
My house is messy because I run a business from home and would rather play with my girls than clean up after them. My kids are "undisciplined" because I parent by natural consequence and don't lay a finger on them if they "step out of line." I have no college degree because I couldn't get enough financial aid to finish, and I fell in love instead. I have no job that pays the way that most people's jobs do...because I am self-employed. I am always moving in a forward direction, whether east or north or west or south... I'm divorced but currently in a relationship with a great man. I was kicked out of the Coast Guard because I was depressed and suicidal, and it wasn't my path. I'm certifiably insane because my family makes me so. I have at least 3 gray hairs, and I have expression lines in my forehead to show that I have lived and stressed and am real...I am mean to my husband when he doesn't treat me like I deserve to be treated. I can't bake, but I am a badass cook. I'm an
It's so difficult to crawl out of this hole that has swallowed my hope, my love, and my lust for life. There are some days that I don't even care to leave my bed, if I'm being honest. I mean, we do have 1600 thread count sheets...so...But honestly, I have decided to do it anyway. I've decided not to allow these criticisms and untruths define me. And I won't let these things affect my children. King and I have decided to move. We've decided to leave the Midwest in favor of a warmer, breezier, more beautiful climate with a view. I'm excited. For the first time in awhile, I feel sincerely and whole-heartedly hopeful. So, we've set a date...and we're moving to St. Croix. <3
Here's to ME.
