For my 100th entry, I've decided to tell you 100 things about me. This is somewhat of a recap of things about which I have already written, but there are plenty of other interesting random facts as well. Thanks for reading up until now, and cheers to many more entries!
1. I am married to a wonderful man who understands me to my core and accepts me 100%, but I wouldn't marry him if given the chance to go back and do it again
2. I have made some amazing friends over the last few years, and while I've lost some others, the ones who stick around have made my life worth living
3. I have lost a sister and a father, both in the same year...and both are still alive
4. I have a more authentic and understanding relationship with my mother now than I ever expected I'd have
5. I'm not a Christian, and I'm good with that. I'm happy to be spiritual, and I like the idea that I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side...or if there even is another side
6. I'm a mother. I'm a damn good mother, and I won't allow anyone to make me feel otherwise. My girls are my heart and soul, an extension of myself, and they are true love incarnate.
7. I'm convinced that Facebook is a necessary evil at this juncture in my life. I would love to crawl in a hole and delete myself sometimes, but there are so many more days that I am thankful to have had the opportunity to connect with people that I would have otherwise never known again or come into contact with at all. Social networking is a double-edged sword, and I am working on finding my place in all of it.
8. I'm a comedienne. I have come to realize that I have the gift of being able to make people laugh, even though I couldn't tell a joke if my life was dependent upon it. Ironic, isn't it?
9. I am a writer. It's who I am. It's a part of my life, and people either understand it...or they don't. It isn't my job to convince anyone to like it or understand it, but it is my job to be true to myself and to process the events in my life the way that I know how. Writing (publicly -or- privately) is how I heal, how I deal, and it's what allows me not to forget
10. I can't stand bras...Since having babies, my tatas have minds of their own, and (like me) they don't abide by the norms that society has put in place. I am content to wear nursing tanks and sports bras for the rest of my days...or until I get an awesome boob job that will allow me the pleasure of never having to keep the ladies in check ever again :-D
11. Boxers. I prefer guys who wear boxers. I saw a guy at the pool the other day that was wearing these tight spandexy swim shorts...and I couldn't help but stare. I totally understand how guys feel with the whole boob thing now...It's not like I WANTED to be staring...I couldn't help it. Don't make me stare at your junk. Please.
12. I hated being pregnant, and by default, I hate all of my friends who have easy pregnancies. I didn't have overly tragic pregnancies (only mildly tragic), but I still hated every last second of them.
13. I smoke sometimes. I can only bring myself to do it when I'm drinking, though...and when I have someone to join me. If it takes years off my life, I'm good with it. At least I will have enjoyed my years. And I can't stand people who are super anti-smoking and don't even want people to be allowed to do it outside their own damn house.
14. I don't sleep well. I have gotten much better at falling asleep, but the staying asleep has me now. I went 18 months without sleeping through the night after having Monster #2, and my body refuses to understand that those days are over now. Instead, I am forced to wake up around 2 am every single night...and it's then that I watch an episode or 2 of Phineas and Ferb.
15. I can't stand doctors, particularly pediatricians. They have made my life a living hell over the last few years, and I don't appreciate it. I don't appreciate being told at every appointment that there is a possibility that something may or may not be wrong with one or both of my children. I don't appreciate being berated for my parenting choices, especially considering that I research every last one of them until my fingers are bleeding from paper cuts and too much typing.
16. I don't vax my kids. We didn't make that decision because of the fear of autism. We made informed choices based on lots of information. We don't like the amount of toxic chemicals that are put into our children's bodies at such a young age. We don't believe that vaccines are nearly as safe as the FDA would like us to believe. We don't believe there is enough research into safety and efficacy of these vaccines, and frankly, we think most of them are a bunch of bullshit. In addition to that, I believe it's not the government's or my pediatrician's job to make choices for me as a parent.
17. I clean when I'm mad. I think this makes my husband happy to piss me off sometimes. Some of the most productive cleaning days I've had have been when I am entirely hateful and angry.
18. One of the best Christmases I ever had was actually one of the worst. I got the worst gifts I'd ever gotten, my step-mother opened one of my gifts...it was fucking hilarious. Laughter is so much better than anything else, really. I still laugh about the hideous slippers that King got me that year...after asking my sister to help him shop for me.
19. I don't believe that diamonds are a girl's best friend. In fact, I believe they're close to being evil. I don't own a diamond, and I won't accept a gift that involves diamonds of any shape, color, or size.
20. I love the smell of lilies (particularly star gazers) and lilacs. I don't view them as any sort of requirement for life or anything, but lilacs take me back in time to when I was a child...and Lilies just smell like love to me
21. I am afraid of fish. I refuse to swim in lakes because of it. I am terrified that a fish (no, not a shark) will bite me because I have invaded its space. I finally got past my fear enough to get into the ocean last fall, but that was with the help of Xanax. I don't enjoy swimming in dirty water, and I'm allergic to chlorine...this makes swimming a very complicated endeavour for me.
22. I love chocolate. I used to think I didn't love chocolate, but I think that was more my attempting to swim against the current in every facet of life. Clearly, that was stupid, considering chocolate is one of the best things in life.
23. I may love chocolate, but I don't like chocolate cake. I can't even tell you why that is, but it just doesn't work for me. I could do chocolate frosting, but white cake is where it's at
24. Waffles are better than pancakes. The batter may be eerily similar, but I am telling you that waffles are better. I think it's the subtle crunch of the waffle that makes them better. And I don't like how the syrup soaks into the pancakes so much
25. I have come to realize that I'm the type of person that you either love...or love to hate. This works for me, as I am pretty extreme myself, so the extreme reactions make sense. I don't mind being hated, and actually, I find it quite flattering. I used to think it was important that everyone liked me, but now I realize that's neither possible nor realistic. I will just continue to be loved by those who love me, and I will give the haters something to do with their time
26. I believe in true forgiveness. However, I don't believe you need to forgive someone who doesn't deserve it. And I think you should forgive people when you're damn good and ready, and when it makes sense in your life to do it. Sometimes when you apologize to someone, that person isn't done being hurt...and I've learned that you just need to be patient. Maybe she'll come around and accept it, and maybe she won't. I know that I screw up sometimes, and that involves consequences. I also realize that I've forgiven people who have hurt me deeply, and I'm so much better for it.
27. I wouldn't Photoshop my life. I know I said that it would be nice, but truthfully, everything in my life has brought me to where I stand today. The events that took place were necessary to my path, and I am learning to accept and understand that. While it sounds nice in theory and is funny to think about, I wouldn't change a damn thing.
28. I wondered if I'd ever heal from the trauma of Monster #2's birth. While I don't know if fully healing is possible, I think the important thing is that she is a beautiful, healthy little terror. Her birth totally sucked ass, but her spirit is vibrant, and I love her more than I ever knew was possible.
29. I will never ever ever in a million bajillion years drive a minivan.
30. I could nap anytime, anywhere. I used to be the type of person that could only sleep in my bed, but now I fall asleep everywhere. I think that comes with being a mother and being sleep-deprived for an extended period of time. I now fall asleep sitting up. THAT takes talent.
31. Wine. THAT would be a girl's best friend. I love sangria in the summers, but apart from that...I like sweet whites in the summer and sweet reds in the winter. Oh, and I am clumsy with reds for sure. It's not a party until I spill a glass of red on someone or something
32. I want to learn to sew. I took a class a few months ago, and I really enjoyed it. I always thought sewing was lame and nerdy...until I saw this girl in high school walking around in the coolest clothes I'd ever seen. When I asked her where she got them, she told me that she made them. It was then that I realized I'd majorly failed when choosing NOT to take Home Ec.
33. Chicago is my heart and soul, and I often used to drive up there when I was feeling depressed. It's funny how just driving through the Loop would bring a calm over me and make me feel like all was right with the world. I didn't even have to stop. It was just the fact of knowing it was there...I wish I could go back more often
34. Music is as much a part of my life as breathing. I could use music to relate to anything in my life. It just heightens everything for me. I love all kinds of music for all different reasons, and I should probably listen to it more often...I used to listen to music nearly 100% of my day, and now it's not as much.
35. I believe that life is about experiences so much more than things. I find much more value in doing things than I do in acquiring things. I would much rather go somewhere really amazing and not take anything home but photos than to buy something that was worth just as much money.
36. I can't draw at all, but I am badass when it comes to coloring. And yes, I do enjoy coloring, even at my age.
37. My favorite color is pink. I had a difficult time coming to terms with that over the years, but I'm totally smitten now. I love pink in all shades, and I think it goes with everything.
38. I am constantly losing chapstick, but I did finally make it through ONE chapstick without losing it or allowing my washer/dryer to destroy it.
39. I attempted suicide nearly 5 years ago, and I am so thankful to the girls who tackled me and prevented me from doing so. I was kicked out of the military, and again, it was important to my path. It was an incredible experience all-around, but I am glad that I'm alive and not in the military.
40. I am obsessed with Vera Bradley. I sell bags, collect bags, and I would love nothing more than to paint a room in my house in a Vera Bradley pattern of some kind. I find it hilarious because I hated Vera Bradley at first. I couldn't understand why people were so obsessive about it, and now here I am...a complete addict.
41. I'm not into corporal punishment. I don't believe my kids need to fear me in order to respect me. In fact, I don't want my kids to be afraid of me at all. I've not hit my girls, and I don't plan to start anytime in the forseeable future. My 3 year-old has more respect for me than I knew was possible for a child of her age. That all comes without ever laying a hand on her or threatening her with anything more than a time-out...which in our house means counting to 10 in her bedroom
42. I believe in the good of humanity. I don't believe that we are born sinful or bad in any way. Any negativity is due to illness or desperation.
43. I fucking LOVE garage sales. I love that I can find things for next to nothing that serve a purpose in my life. I especially love that it feels like treasure hunting.
44. I want to take pole dancing classes. I envy anyone who has skills on the pole. It's an art form, in my opinion.
45. One of my favorite memories of our time in Florida last fall was rocking Monster #2 to sleep to the sound of the ocean. It makes me want to have a place on the water in a bad way...and I'm not talking about a lake. The ocean is incredibly soothing and relaxing. I miss it for sure
46. I think going to the movies is a huge waste of money. I can't believe how much it costs for such a short time of entertainment...and then sometimes the movie isn't even good! The popcorn is amazing, though. I will say that much
47. I'm the type of friend that always tells you the truth, even if it's not what you want to hear. I don't believe it does anyone any good not to be honest.
48. I try to live my life with the understanding that tomorrow is not guaranteed. As such, I do my best to live without regret and make sure those that I love know it.
49. I LOVE surprises. I never snoop for gifts because I accidentally ruined Christmas for myself once when I was younger. It was the crappiest Christmas ever, and I refuse to ruin any surprise for myself because of it.
50. Working in a strip club boosted my self-confidence and helped me become comfortable in my own skin. I was terrified to undress/dress in front of other people before working there. I learned so much about myself, and I am not ashamed to say that I loved working there.
51. I love to read, and I wish I had more time to do it...
52. I will probably eat at Chick-fil-A about as much as I always have (not often at all), even though I think their CEO is a total douche...If I avoided every single company that didn't agree with me on everything or was douchey in some way or another, I'd probably be in a hole. Every company has its faults, especially big ones.
53. I eat in bed. A lot.
54. I don't like parmesan cheese on my spaghetti. I like it with garlic salt instead.
55. I don't like ice in my water if it's already chilled...it's too cold then
56. If I'm craving soda, I want a fountain Coke. And it's SODA, not "POP."
57. I am a very giving soul. I even give when I don't have it to give...and sometimes I think people take advantage of that
58. I've never been to Hawaii or any tropical location, but I really really want to go! If I could go anywhere in the world, I would love to go to Fiji
59. I love the feeling of clean sheets, but I hate making my bed. I find it rather counterproductive, but I still do it every now and again
60. I am addicted to trashy reality tv, and I have no problem admitting it.
61. I would prefer to go to a neighborhood bar than a dance club any day of the week. I love a place with a dart board and a juke box, and I have a weakness for karaoke.
62. I don't like sweating. AT.ALL.
63. My favorite holiday is Halloween. I love dressing up and pretending to be something different for a day, and I absolutely love seeing all the little darlings in costumes.
64. I am pretty good at giving people nicknames.
65. I have learned over the last few years that I am not always right. It sounds silly when I type that, but I am pretty sure that is one of the major reasons that my first marriage didn't work out...He was ALWAYS wrong, and I was almost completely unwilling to compromise.
66. I love to entertain. I enjoy having company come over, cooking, and spending time with friends and family. Before I was ousted from the family, my sister would say that I was her favorite person to visit because I would always have her favorite snacks and drinks onhand...
67. I'm crafty. I enjoy making things by hand, and I find that I feel accomplished when I do things myself.
68. My relationship with my husband is polyamorous. We believe in full disclosure and embracing the possibility and probability of loving more than one person. I believe we're called "poly-wogs" because we are new to the idea, but the exploration of our humanity has brought us closer and enhanced our relationship greatly.
69. <--BTDT
70. I love shopping for shoes and underwear for myself. Otherwise, I can't stand shopping for myself because I can never find anything I like. I'm far too picky, and I have expensive taste that I can't afford
71. I find politics to be annoying. I used to be really into the political scene, but now I just think it is a waste of time. I don't identify as Democrat or Republican, and I just feel that the entire concept is not what our founding fathers had envisioned.
72. I don't believe that blood is thicker than water. I've learned over the years that blood can be toxic sometimes...and even if blood is thicker than water, water is much more refreshing.
73. I ROCK at doing make-up. My favorite brands are MAC and Rimmel, and I swear by NYC lip gloss...although I rarely wear make-up these days. It takes too much damn time.
74. I don't put sunscreen on my girls unless it's absolutely necessary. I would much prefer them to soak up the Vitamin D that Mother Nature is offering than to slather them with chemicals that don't do much help anyway.
75. When I go to the grocery, I buy 3 different kinds of milk: Organic whole, Vanilla Almond Milk, and skim milk. Some people find this strange, but it's such a part of my routine that I rarely notice the sideways look I get at the check-out these days
76. I am a terrible mathematician. I have a hard time with even simple addition and subtraction...To this day, I honestly have no idea how I passed my Algebra II class my freshman year of high school.
77. I love amusement parks and especially roller coasters.
78. I worked as a flight attendant for 6 months, and it was both amazing and horrible at the same time. I learned that while I enjoy alone time, I don't like to be alone nearly as much as that job requires it.
79. My hair used to be extremely curly, but now it's only slightly wavy...
80. I am more of a lover than a fighter, but I will fight to the death if I have to.
81. I don't consistently wear ANY jewelry. If I wear anything at all, I wear my wedding ring. Apart from that, I love bracelets but do NOT like necklaces at all and only got my ears pierced so I could wear earrings for my first wedding.
82. I have gotten into 3 car accidents, only one with another vehicle...and ALL while in reverse.
83. I am obsessive about all things Harry Potter, and I am hoping to be able to go to Universal Studios in Florida soon to see the amusement park. Harry Potter + Amusement Park = amazingness
84. I LOVE the honey badger. I even got Monster #1 a book about honey badgers.
85. I truly believe that glitter goes with everything.
86. The first video game system that I ever owned was a Playstation, which my sister and I got for Christmas one year when I was in high school...
87. I hate showering. I find it to be a waste of my time...and it takes me FOREVER because I have long hair. I used to shave every single day, and I remember my mom telling me at one point that it would change when I had children...I didn't believe her then, but damn...she was totally right!
88. I drink far too much coffee. I drink it black or with a flavored (ADDICTIVE) creamer. And I think Starbuck's coffee is disgusting. Espresso drinks? Fab. Coffee? Not so much
89. I can't stand weddings, but I couldn't tell you exactly why. I used to love them and be all obsessive about them...Now I find them to be a ridiculous waste of money with a ridiculous amount of drama and stress.
90. I love profanity, and I try to use it as much as fucking possible.
91. I am pretty fucking terrified of spiders
92. I am a creature of habit and find it difficult to cope with change. For example, I was terrified of getting a new phone that was NOT a Blackberry because I knew the operating system...I seriously didn't want to get a different phone because I would have to learn how to use it...
93. I may be a creature of habit, but I love to be spontaneous. I am not big into planning, unless I have a limited amount of time for some reason. So, whenever we used to go up to the North Country to see our families, we'd always plan it out so that we could split our time equally.
94. Fall is my favorite season. I love the colors, and I love wearing a hoodie and jeans.
95. I am absolutely terrified of tornados, and I actually have recurring nightmares about them at times.
96. My celebrity crush is Captain Jack Sparrow. That's right. It's NOT Johnny Depp.
97. I love to dance and play in the rain...as long as there is no lightning. One of my favorite things about living in Arizona was monsoon season. I loved it.
98. I don't like icing very much, and I will usually take it off the cake. I would totally eat a cake without icing, though.
99. I try to eat healthy most of the time, but I have to admit that I have a soft spot for deep fried just about anything <3
100. I'm unique. There just isn't anyone else like me out there.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
The Desperate Do-Nothing Housewife
I love how people make assumptions about you when they know absolutely nothing about your life. Isn't it amazing the insight these people have? I was recently told by King that the Analyst (FIL) is under the impression that I do nothing while King does everything. I am sure he isn't the only person who thinks that, but I would like to virtually give him the finger and tell him where to shove it. Please allow me to give all of you readers a small glimpse into a day in the life of theXile...
Today was the perfect example of my do-nothing tendencies. Monster #1 came into bed and stole my pillow somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 am...King's alarm went off 3 times, beginning somewhere around 6:45 am. After the third round (7:10 am), Monster told me she put the sun up...and it was time to get up. She needed milk, yogurt, a granola bar and cartoons. While I got her all set up, I threw a pot of coffee on, brushed my teeth while trying to find Monster #2's sippy cup...I found a swimsuit for Monster #1 and set clothes out for Monster #2. By then, it was about 7:30...So, I threw together the beach bag for swim lessons and got all of the packages ready to go from the bags I had sold over the weekend (Yes, I work from home and run an Ebay store). King left for work at about 7:45. He called me about 5 minutes later to say that he had forgotten something, and I offered to bring it up to his work after swim lessons.
8:00--get both Monsters dressed (miraculously, they BOTH had mated shoes today)
8:10--load up and get on the road...after going back in the house 3 times for various forgotten items...most importantly, my coffee.
8:55--drop Monster #2 at the KidZone to play while I watch Monster #1's swim lesson
9:00--Get Monster #1 out to the pool...after she has to go potty and talk about how beautiful the walls and the floors are...During swim lessons, plan the meal for the night & make a grocery list.
9:45--end swim lesson. Pick up Monster #2...Cue downpour. Monsoontastic fucking downpour. Oh, I forgot to mention that I didn't bring an umbrella and was wearing a white nursing tank...AWESOME.
10:00--load up soaking wet children into the truck, and attempt to dry them off with a wet towel from swim lessons. At least Monster #1 was wearing a swimsuit!
After that, it was off to the Post Office to drop the packages...again when an umbrella would have been a novel idea. Thankfully the rain had settled down by the time we got to Target. So we ran in there to get a few things for dinner...and bandaids. I have been hearing about bandaids for a week now. You'd think that I would have gotten them before now...At any rate, after Target, we trekked up to King's work to drop off his forgotten items and to meet some of his coworkers (remembering we're all soaked, and I'm wearing a white top). Fantastic.
I was able to sneak a sandwich break in somewhere around 12:30, after I put Monster #2 down for a nap and set Monster #1 up with a movie and some lunch. <---Yes, I allow her to eat in front of the television. She eats there much better than she does at a table.
Of course, after Monster #1 went down for a nap, I was able to get some laundry done and pick up their toys (as if there was some point to doing that). I won't bore you with all of the details, but I also made homemade bacon-crusted cheddar mac & cheese for dinner. I played with the girls, and I did more laundry.
The plan was for King and I to spend the evening together, free from technology...but by the time he got home, I was completely spent. I had cleaned up seventeen spots of pee from Monster #2 (yay for potty training), dealt with who knows how many tantrums, cleaned, cooked, played, taxied, and worked enough for an entire week...So I told him that I needed a break, and he was happy to oblige. I'm pretty sure it was the bacon that tipped the scales.
So, my dear Analyst, as you can see...you're entirely wrong. I do all kinds of shit. I may not get paid for all of the work I do, but it's not nothing. My job is to be a kick ass mom and wife and to run a small business on the side. King is just as lucky to have me in his life as I consider myself to have him in mine.
Here's to the housewives...
Today was the perfect example of my do-nothing tendencies. Monster #1 came into bed and stole my pillow somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 am...King's alarm went off 3 times, beginning somewhere around 6:45 am. After the third round (7:10 am), Monster told me she put the sun up...and it was time to get up. She needed milk, yogurt, a granola bar and cartoons. While I got her all set up, I threw a pot of coffee on, brushed my teeth while trying to find Monster #2's sippy cup...I found a swimsuit for Monster #1 and set clothes out for Monster #2. By then, it was about 7:30...So, I threw together the beach bag for swim lessons and got all of the packages ready to go from the bags I had sold over the weekend (Yes, I work from home and run an Ebay store). King left for work at about 7:45. He called me about 5 minutes later to say that he had forgotten something, and I offered to bring it up to his work after swim lessons.
8:00--get both Monsters dressed (miraculously, they BOTH had mated shoes today)
8:10--load up and get on the road...after going back in the house 3 times for various forgotten items...most importantly, my coffee.
8:55--drop Monster #2 at the KidZone to play while I watch Monster #1's swim lesson
9:00--Get Monster #1 out to the pool...after she has to go potty and talk about how beautiful the walls and the floors are...During swim lessons, plan the meal for the night & make a grocery list.
9:45--end swim lesson. Pick up Monster #2...Cue downpour. Monsoontastic fucking downpour. Oh, I forgot to mention that I didn't bring an umbrella and was wearing a white nursing tank...AWESOME.
10:00--load up soaking wet children into the truck, and attempt to dry them off with a wet towel from swim lessons. At least Monster #1 was wearing a swimsuit!
After that, it was off to the Post Office to drop the packages...again when an umbrella would have been a novel idea. Thankfully the rain had settled down by the time we got to Target. So we ran in there to get a few things for dinner...and bandaids. I have been hearing about bandaids for a week now. You'd think that I would have gotten them before now...At any rate, after Target, we trekked up to King's work to drop off his forgotten items and to meet some of his coworkers (remembering we're all soaked, and I'm wearing a white top). Fantastic.
I was able to sneak a sandwich break in somewhere around 12:30, after I put Monster #2 down for a nap and set Monster #1 up with a movie and some lunch. <---Yes, I allow her to eat in front of the television. She eats there much better than she does at a table.
Of course, after Monster #1 went down for a nap, I was able to get some laundry done and pick up their toys (as if there was some point to doing that). I won't bore you with all of the details, but I also made homemade bacon-crusted cheddar mac & cheese for dinner. I played with the girls, and I did more laundry.
The plan was for King and I to spend the evening together, free from technology...but by the time he got home, I was completely spent. I had cleaned up seventeen spots of pee from Monster #2 (yay for potty training), dealt with who knows how many tantrums, cleaned, cooked, played, taxied, and worked enough for an entire week...So I told him that I needed a break, and he was happy to oblige. I'm pretty sure it was the bacon that tipped the scales.
So, my dear Analyst, as you can see...you're entirely wrong. I do all kinds of shit. I may not get paid for all of the work I do, but it's not nothing. My job is to be a kick ass mom and wife and to run a small business on the side. King is just as lucky to have me in his life as I consider myself to have him in mine.
Here's to the housewives...
Saturday, July 14, 2012
It's Not My Party, But You Can Cry If You Want To...
Blondie's little monster is turning 5. She decided to throw a big party because 5 is a special number. It's a milestone. You know, 5...16...21...that kind of milestone. Either way, it was an absolute necessity to throw a gigantic bash, complete with a ridiculous amount of decorations and crafting, of which she is not capable. <---FUNNY, right?! Anyway, she was in a near panic last night, in the midst of slave labor brought on by Cruela as payment for allowing Blondie to have the party at their house...and so I offered to come early and help her. I figured it was the least I could do, given that I meant to (help?) make this paper wreath-like thing for her this week; and we just couldn't connect on it.
So this morning was a pretty typical morning in which we needed to be out of the house early. Big monster wanted to go "now," at 7:15 am, when she was standing at my bedside asking for cereal, milk, and cartoons. I was trying to pack our bag with diapers, wipes, sippy cups, towels, swimsuits, and other water necessities because they have a pool..."Mommy, but I don't want to go under water!" No problem, Monster. It's not a big deal. Eat your cereal, please. "Mommy, can I have your bagel please?" Sure, what would you like on it? "Butter." Fine. So I grab my coffee, butter "my" bagel and continue on with the packing. I got the bag packed, and Little monster finally woke up...Change/milk/dress <---that part was funny, being that she kept saying, "No!" and running off, thinking I was playing a silly game with her.
Finally, everyone was dressed and ready to get out the door...Both girls had only one shoe. Typical. We were running behind ("Are we late, Mommy?" Yes, Monster), and neither of my monsters could find mated shoes. I told them that I was going out to the car to check if their missing shoes were in there, and they of course, insisted on following me out the door. The missing shoes weren't in the car, of course. So I had to sprint inside and find the missing shoes STAT...with 2 unsupervised monsters in my truck. At least the keys weren't in it? Thankfully, I had just cleaned their rooms the day prior, and so I knew they weren't in either bedroom. The only room that hadn't seen a vacuum (or a dust rag, or practically any cleaning product in who knows how long) was the master bedroom. I quickly found them (luck, I imagine) just under the bed and dashed back outside.
I got half a mile down the road and realized I forgot to pack a swimsuit for Little Monster...and my gas light was on. Did I mention I was already running 10 minutes behind at this point? I decided to screw the swimsuit (Gawd, I am SUCH a whore) and kept driving. I got gas, stopped for donuts (sustenance for anxious mamas), and Blondie's fave bev from Starbucks (Venti White Chocolate Mocha). I figured it might be drinkable by the time I drove down to Cruela's place if I got it right by mine. Of course, everyone and their neighbor was in the drive-thru at SBucks, and they clearly weren't aware that the world revolves around me and that I was already running late (Note to self: purchase "Narcissist" shirts to wear daily). Traffic was light, though, and we had an easy drive there.
Blondie looked like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders as I strode up the walkway with donuts in one hand and Starbucks in the other. I was glad. I enjoy being helpful <shocker>. We worked together to get everything decorated and set up, and it was great...except that my monsters were running around without much supervision...aaaand Little Monster decided to take one of Cruela's collectible dog figurines for a swim...in the toilet. I really wish ya'll had any clue as to this woman's demeanor. She scares the living crap out of me, and I think she's only ever said about 10 words to me. Blondie came over to tell me about the incident, and I couldn't help but nearly have a spit take and laugh hysterically. I always say that Little Monster's only saving grace is her cuteness. She's a terrorist, but she's damn cute.
Other than that, Blondie was incredibly grateful and relieved that help had arrived. She had another friend who did tricks with balloons that I didn't even know were possible, though. I'm definitely jealous of that, and I need to learn her secrets. I thought I was pretty damn good at decorating, but this chick tied 4 balloons together without any kind of string. AMAZING. I digress. It was a great party, minus the toilet incident, the rain, and Cruela's less-than-welcoming attitude.
I'll never forget this just because I thought it was the sweetest and most adorable thing ever, but Blondie's dad made some hot dogs in the microwave for the little ones who wouldn't eat the hot dogs with the grill markings on them...He said he should have known to do it earlier since Blondie would never eat them that way either. Is that not adorable?!
Anyway, we had a great time, and I'm so thankful to have such sweet friends...And I can't wait until I have a party...hehehe
Here's to the party animals!
So this morning was a pretty typical morning in which we needed to be out of the house early. Big monster wanted to go "now," at 7:15 am, when she was standing at my bedside asking for cereal, milk, and cartoons. I was trying to pack our bag with diapers, wipes, sippy cups, towels, swimsuits, and other water necessities because they have a pool..."Mommy, but I don't want to go under water!" No problem, Monster. It's not a big deal. Eat your cereal, please. "Mommy, can I have your bagel please?" Sure, what would you like on it? "Butter." Fine. So I grab my coffee, butter "my" bagel and continue on with the packing. I got the bag packed, and Little monster finally woke up...Change/milk/dress <---that part was funny, being that she kept saying, "No!" and running off, thinking I was playing a silly game with her.
Finally, everyone was dressed and ready to get out the door...Both girls had only one shoe. Typical. We were running behind ("Are we late, Mommy?" Yes, Monster), and neither of my monsters could find mated shoes. I told them that I was going out to the car to check if their missing shoes were in there, and they of course, insisted on following me out the door. The missing shoes weren't in the car, of course. So I had to sprint inside and find the missing shoes STAT...with 2 unsupervised monsters in my truck. At least the keys weren't in it? Thankfully, I had just cleaned their rooms the day prior, and so I knew they weren't in either bedroom. The only room that hadn't seen a vacuum (or a dust rag, or practically any cleaning product in who knows how long) was the master bedroom. I quickly found them (luck, I imagine) just under the bed and dashed back outside.
I got half a mile down the road and realized I forgot to pack a swimsuit for Little Monster...and my gas light was on. Did I mention I was already running 10 minutes behind at this point? I decided to screw the swimsuit (Gawd, I am SUCH a whore) and kept driving. I got gas, stopped for donuts (sustenance for anxious mamas), and Blondie's fave bev from Starbucks (Venti White Chocolate Mocha). I figured it might be drinkable by the time I drove down to Cruela's place if I got it right by mine. Of course, everyone and their neighbor was in the drive-thru at SBucks, and they clearly weren't aware that the world revolves around me and that I was already running late (Note to self: purchase "Narcissist" shirts to wear daily). Traffic was light, though, and we had an easy drive there.
Blondie looked like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders as I strode up the walkway with donuts in one hand and Starbucks in the other. I was glad. I enjoy being helpful <shocker>. We worked together to get everything decorated and set up, and it was great...except that my monsters were running around without much supervision...aaaand Little Monster decided to take one of Cruela's collectible dog figurines for a swim...in the toilet. I really wish ya'll had any clue as to this woman's demeanor. She scares the living crap out of me, and I think she's only ever said about 10 words to me. Blondie came over to tell me about the incident, and I couldn't help but nearly have a spit take and laugh hysterically. I always say that Little Monster's only saving grace is her cuteness. She's a terrorist, but she's damn cute.
Other than that, Blondie was incredibly grateful and relieved that help had arrived. She had another friend who did tricks with balloons that I didn't even know were possible, though. I'm definitely jealous of that, and I need to learn her secrets. I thought I was pretty damn good at decorating, but this chick tied 4 balloons together without any kind of string. AMAZING. I digress. It was a great party, minus the toilet incident, the rain, and Cruela's less-than-welcoming attitude.
I'll never forget this just because I thought it was the sweetest and most adorable thing ever, but Blondie's dad made some hot dogs in the microwave for the little ones who wouldn't eat the hot dogs with the grill markings on them...He said he should have known to do it earlier since Blondie would never eat them that way either. Is that not adorable?!
Anyway, we had a great time, and I'm so thankful to have such sweet friends...And I can't wait until I have a party...hehehe
Here's to the party animals!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Taking Back My Name
Some of you may or may not have noticed, but I changed the name of this blog. I'm guessing that those of you judgmental hypocritical assholes probably didn't notice...Or you think that I'm looking for a pity party and feeling sorry for myself. To that I say, good for you. Just keep reading, and as you asked, I'll keep bringing the entertainment.
Captain has been focused slightly on a nickname for me, as I have christened him with 2: Captain being one, and the other I prefer to keep private. Either way, it's so funny because I can't tell you how many people have asked me what my nickname is, and I have none. The only one I've ever had is actually a name I prefer never to have to see again, being that it is extremely closely associated with Crazypants. It's interesting to me that I've been around for as long as I have without a solid nickname.
That being said, when I first started blogging, I was theXile. It fit me at the time, and the more I think about it, it just fits me in general. It was funny because when I first started blogging as Xile, it was focused entirely on my exile from the Coast Guard. Really though, I am just an entire collection of exiles. I've been exiled from family members, from my Christian upbringing, from King's family, from mainstream society. I even moved 2,000 miles away from home as soon as I graduated high school. I mean, you name it, I'm probably outside the norm. It's okay, though. I would so much rather be true to myself than be uncomfortable but acceptable to the masses.
The negative feedback that I've gotten from my recent blog entries just amplifies the need for me to return to my roots. It fits. I'm theXile. I'm vile, unacceptable, a whore, vicious, conniving, manipulative, mean...I mean, I may be the best villain next to Lucifer himself. People ask me if it bothers me. My friends tell me they're sorry that people are saying horrible things about and to me. My family (that I still have left) is worried that I will become (have become?) a social pariah. The thing is, though, that I know better. My heart is in the right place, no matter where my home is or isn't. I may be exiled from every last person on this earth, but I am happy with myself. I don't allow other people to dictate my happiness or my morals. I don't allow other people to think for me or deem what's right for me in the same way that I don't dictate what's right for anyone else. I make choices based on what makes sense in my life for my family.
At the end of the day, I am theXile. And I couldn't be more proud. I stand strong in the face of adversity and judgment, knowing that I am doing the best I can do in every given situation. I stumble, I fall, and I always end up picking myself back up at the end of the day. I may be bloody and bruised, but scars just add character to my personality. My choices are my own, and that is what matters. How many of you have made a difficult choice in order to remain true to yourself, even in the face of venomous criticism? How many of you are willing to put it all on the line just to remain true to yourself and do what you believe is right, against all odds?
Lastly, I want to address this idea of narcissism with regard to me. I'm not obsessed with myself, I don't get off on thinking about myself, and I am not more fascinated with myself than I am with anyone else. If people don't actually take the time to read and comprehend some of the things I've written here, rather than judging me based on one particular story or incident, that's fine. However, I have admitted some very difficult mistakes that I've made in friendships, romantic relationships, as well as familial relationships. I have made amends with people from whom I don't believe I even deserved forgiveness. We are all better people for doing so and being humble enough to really take a look in the proverbial mirror and see the ugliness that sometimes dwells within us all. No one is perfect, and I don't claim to be.
This is my journey, my life, and my experiences. I am putting myself out there for everyone to see and read, and I have been lynched for it multiple times over...I highly doubt that makes me narcissistic. I certainly don't believe that I am better or worse than anyone else. Say what you will about me, but at the end of the day, are you happy with what you've said and done?
Here's to fortitude...
Captain has been focused slightly on a nickname for me, as I have christened him with 2: Captain being one, and the other I prefer to keep private. Either way, it's so funny because I can't tell you how many people have asked me what my nickname is, and I have none. The only one I've ever had is actually a name I prefer never to have to see again, being that it is extremely closely associated with Crazypants. It's interesting to me that I've been around for as long as I have without a solid nickname.
That being said, when I first started blogging, I was theXile. It fit me at the time, and the more I think about it, it just fits me in general. It was funny because when I first started blogging as Xile, it was focused entirely on my exile from the Coast Guard. Really though, I am just an entire collection of exiles. I've been exiled from family members, from my Christian upbringing, from King's family, from mainstream society. I even moved 2,000 miles away from home as soon as I graduated high school. I mean, you name it, I'm probably outside the norm. It's okay, though. I would so much rather be true to myself than be uncomfortable but acceptable to the masses.
The negative feedback that I've gotten from my recent blog entries just amplifies the need for me to return to my roots. It fits. I'm theXile. I'm vile, unacceptable, a whore, vicious, conniving, manipulative, mean...I mean, I may be the best villain next to Lucifer himself. People ask me if it bothers me. My friends tell me they're sorry that people are saying horrible things about and to me. My family (that I still have left) is worried that I will become (have become?) a social pariah. The thing is, though, that I know better. My heart is in the right place, no matter where my home is or isn't. I may be exiled from every last person on this earth, but I am happy with myself. I don't allow other people to dictate my happiness or my morals. I don't allow other people to think for me or deem what's right for me in the same way that I don't dictate what's right for anyone else. I make choices based on what makes sense in my life for my family.
At the end of the day, I am theXile. And I couldn't be more proud. I stand strong in the face of adversity and judgment, knowing that I am doing the best I can do in every given situation. I stumble, I fall, and I always end up picking myself back up at the end of the day. I may be bloody and bruised, but scars just add character to my personality. My choices are my own, and that is what matters. How many of you have made a difficult choice in order to remain true to yourself, even in the face of venomous criticism? How many of you are willing to put it all on the line just to remain true to yourself and do what you believe is right, against all odds?
Lastly, I want to address this idea of narcissism with regard to me. I'm not obsessed with myself, I don't get off on thinking about myself, and I am not more fascinated with myself than I am with anyone else. If people don't actually take the time to read and comprehend some of the things I've written here, rather than judging me based on one particular story or incident, that's fine. However, I have admitted some very difficult mistakes that I've made in friendships, romantic relationships, as well as familial relationships. I have made amends with people from whom I don't believe I even deserved forgiveness. We are all better people for doing so and being humble enough to really take a look in the proverbial mirror and see the ugliness that sometimes dwells within us all. No one is perfect, and I don't claim to be.
This is my journey, my life, and my experiences. I am putting myself out there for everyone to see and read, and I have been lynched for it multiple times over...I highly doubt that makes me narcissistic. I certainly don't believe that I am better or worse than anyone else. Say what you will about me, but at the end of the day, are you happy with what you've said and done?
Here's to fortitude...
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Peace in War
**Deep Breath** So my sister is getting married in 5 days. I haven't forgotten about it. In fact, it's now become a reality. Before, it was just theoretical. It could be happening, but it may not come to fruition. Now it's real. It hit me on Sunday, which also happened to be my father's 52nd birthday. This is one of those times that McHottie was telling me about, I am pretty sure. You know, the times where I take the box off the shelf, dust it off, open it, shed some tears...and put it back on the shelf.
I felt oddly compelled to go to a gas station (because I'm too cheap to waste good flowers on someone like him) and buy flowers. Then I would have taken the flowers to a cemetery, ripped off the petals, and then tossed them onto someone's grave. For someone who hasn't experienced this kind of thing, I'm sure it's a difficult concept to grasp...and I can't fully explain it myself. Instead, I went to the grocery with no phone, and I decided to focus in on myself. When I'm grieving, it helps me. Some people like to be comforted with closeness, but I find that to make me much more emotional and affected. I'd rather be alone with my thoughts and feelings and have them in peace without affecting anyone else or allowing anyone else to affect me. This is difficult for Hubby, especially because he can't stand to see me hurting. He wants to reach out and hold me, and I just want to be wrapped in a warm breeze from Mother Nature.
Even looking back to several years ago with my college boyfriend, he never understood why I would leave when we'd argue. I would take a drive in my convertible and let the wind blow through my hair, let music penetrate my soul...and just be with myself. It was the ultimate freedom for me. I need that freedom. I need the freedom to express myself and just let go, even if it's just for a few moments. I remember going to a park and writing in my journal...I'd always come back ready to talk, but I needed to gather myself first. I digress.
I found I had this lump in my throat while I was shopping that I just couldn't shake. It was annoying the living hell out of me, and I was plenty hydrated. I just couldn't figure out what the problem was. However, when I pulled into my drive at home, the answer was strewn about my face in the form of tears...literally pouring salt onto my wounds. I sat silently while they fell, wiped my face, and went inside to finish my day...
Yesterday I did probably the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life, excluding removing the toxic blood from my life. I sat in front of my screen with my coffee, and the river began to flow...As the first tear splashed on my desk, my phone started to ring. It was MamaBear. At that point, all bets were off, and I wasn't able to stop the salty river from trespassing.
MamaBear has been put in an extremely difficult and unfair position in that she has one daughter getting married and about to experience what should be the happiest moment of her life to this point and the other who is grieving over the loss of a sister and the lack of involvement and inclusion in that milestone. She has to take a side, unfortunately. You just cannot straddle that line. There is no way that she will be able to put her focus on my sister's happy milestone while still supporting me. Supporting me takes the focus off of my sister and puts the spotlight on the feud. I refuse to allow that, as my sister (despite my feelings about her choices in her own life and the way she's treated me) deserves to have her moment. Her moment should be hers and hers alone. It shouldn't be tarnished by my grief, my hurt, and my anger.
So I laid down my sword. I told MamaBear that I love her, and I asked her not to call me until after she gets back home. I asked her to let me know, preferably via text message, that she arrived safely. However, that's all. She felt awful. I know she did. She didn't even really know what to say. I just told her that I have an excellent support system here, and right now, she needs to be happy and focus on my sister. I meant every last word of it. I rather surprised myself in this, actually. I hadn't planned on telling her this, nor had I ever thought I'd be in a position to do so...but that's what happened.
I am keeping myself busy this week, but even that hasn't kept my mind from the impending nuptials. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Being excluded from something this monumental brings an incredible amount of trauma to my life, as selfish as that may seem. I never imagined I'd be completely excluded from my only sister's wedding...ever. Some people think I should just go and sit quietly in the back...and those people just don't understand how much it will destroy me. Someone else will hold her bouquet of lilies...Someone else will brush the one stray curl from her face...Someone else will make sure her train is perfectly lain at the alter...The thought alone absolutely crushes my soul; I can't imagine actually watching it play out in person.
So I've made other plans, though I have no idea what they are. I like it that way. I have something with which to look forward. I have positivity on the horizon, rather than the option to grieve over a loss outside of my control. And in the meantime, I have an amazing support system of my friends...who have become my family.
Here's to true love...
I felt oddly compelled to go to a gas station (because I'm too cheap to waste good flowers on someone like him) and buy flowers. Then I would have taken the flowers to a cemetery, ripped off the petals, and then tossed them onto someone's grave. For someone who hasn't experienced this kind of thing, I'm sure it's a difficult concept to grasp...and I can't fully explain it myself. Instead, I went to the grocery with no phone, and I decided to focus in on myself. When I'm grieving, it helps me. Some people like to be comforted with closeness, but I find that to make me much more emotional and affected. I'd rather be alone with my thoughts and feelings and have them in peace without affecting anyone else or allowing anyone else to affect me. This is difficult for Hubby, especially because he can't stand to see me hurting. He wants to reach out and hold me, and I just want to be wrapped in a warm breeze from Mother Nature.
Even looking back to several years ago with my college boyfriend, he never understood why I would leave when we'd argue. I would take a drive in my convertible and let the wind blow through my hair, let music penetrate my soul...and just be with myself. It was the ultimate freedom for me. I need that freedom. I need the freedom to express myself and just let go, even if it's just for a few moments. I remember going to a park and writing in my journal...I'd always come back ready to talk, but I needed to gather myself first. I digress.
I found I had this lump in my throat while I was shopping that I just couldn't shake. It was annoying the living hell out of me, and I was plenty hydrated. I just couldn't figure out what the problem was. However, when I pulled into my drive at home, the answer was strewn about my face in the form of tears...literally pouring salt onto my wounds. I sat silently while they fell, wiped my face, and went inside to finish my day...
Yesterday I did probably the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life, excluding removing the toxic blood from my life. I sat in front of my screen with my coffee, and the river began to flow...As the first tear splashed on my desk, my phone started to ring. It was MamaBear. At that point, all bets were off, and I wasn't able to stop the salty river from trespassing.
MamaBear has been put in an extremely difficult and unfair position in that she has one daughter getting married and about to experience what should be the happiest moment of her life to this point and the other who is grieving over the loss of a sister and the lack of involvement and inclusion in that milestone. She has to take a side, unfortunately. You just cannot straddle that line. There is no way that she will be able to put her focus on my sister's happy milestone while still supporting me. Supporting me takes the focus off of my sister and puts the spotlight on the feud. I refuse to allow that, as my sister (despite my feelings about her choices in her own life and the way she's treated me) deserves to have her moment. Her moment should be hers and hers alone. It shouldn't be tarnished by my grief, my hurt, and my anger.
So I laid down my sword. I told MamaBear that I love her, and I asked her not to call me until after she gets back home. I asked her to let me know, preferably via text message, that she arrived safely. However, that's all. She felt awful. I know she did. She didn't even really know what to say. I just told her that I have an excellent support system here, and right now, she needs to be happy and focus on my sister. I meant every last word of it. I rather surprised myself in this, actually. I hadn't planned on telling her this, nor had I ever thought I'd be in a position to do so...but that's what happened.
I am keeping myself busy this week, but even that hasn't kept my mind from the impending nuptials. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Being excluded from something this monumental brings an incredible amount of trauma to my life, as selfish as that may seem. I never imagined I'd be completely excluded from my only sister's wedding...ever. Some people think I should just go and sit quietly in the back...and those people just don't understand how much it will destroy me. Someone else will hold her bouquet of lilies...Someone else will brush the one stray curl from her face...Someone else will make sure her train is perfectly lain at the alter...The thought alone absolutely crushes my soul; I can't imagine actually watching it play out in person.
So I've made other plans, though I have no idea what they are. I like it that way. I have something with which to look forward. I have positivity on the horizon, rather than the option to grieve over a loss outside of my control. And in the meantime, I have an amazing support system of my friends...who have become my family.
Here's to true love...
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