Will The Real [Sleaze] Please Stand Up?

Well, speaking of a side of smack-a-bitch...Man, I just can't leave well enough alone. When you start going on this journey of healing and therapy and therapy and healing, you start to realize (well, I have anyway) that there is a gigantic path of destruction behind you. It's like you've been this tornado for years upon years. You've destroyed all these relationships, all these people...and at the end, you're standing alone in a field wondering what the fuck happened and where everyone went.

That's why I needed to start this journey. Toxins are so nasty, right? I mean, they infect every area of your life, essentially. So, I grew up with a shitty parent (sometimes 2). This parent treated me like crap, and I lashed out. I lashed out at him, but that didn't get me anywhere. So, I just continued to be destructive in other relationships instead. I was taking out my resentment and anger on the wrong people. I was blaming people for things that were completely out of their control and, frankly, that they didn't even know existed. How could they? I didn't even really know...

So, before I get to the point in my life where I'm completely alone, I am glad that I am waking up. I'm glad that I am realizing that if I don't cut the crap that I will be flying solo.

So...there was this guy. I was 17 years old. The moment that we laid eyes on each other, I just kinda knew. I just knew there was something magical about him and our connection. It sounds lame. It's romance movie stuff, really. It's that moment in time where the universe pauses. You take a deep breath, and you realize that you're not dreaming. This was the first time that I saw his smile. His smile changed my life forever. I chose to go to a college because of that smile. Looking back, I totally made a decision to go to a college for a boy. A boy. Sure, the school was gorgeous, the weather was beautiful, palm trees were everywhere, and it was far, far away from home. These things were all important, but I didn't even make it into the program for which I had auditioned. I chose Arizona because of this guy. He was my tour guide. Well, I guess he did a damn good job, right?!

Anyway, for some reason, we had this crazy connection. We stayed in touch and developed a long distance relationship. It was unavoidable. We were put together, and that's just how it was. I remember coming home from visiting him once, and I had his letters...his fraternity letters. This is like completely forbidden, right? I was on the plane, wearing his sweatshirt and just drinking in his scent. My feelings were so intense that I can almost still smell it if I try. I have the most wonderful and fantastic memories of our relationship. I really do. At the same time, though, there was something that was wrong. I am not sure if it was timing or if there was something else, but something happened.

I was ready to move forward, and he wasn't. He was enjoying the "college life," living with his friends/brother, partying, and just generally being able to be free (I think). I remember in the beginning that his feelings scared him. He wasn't looking for a girlfriend, and by no means was I looking for a long distance college-aged boyfriend when I was 17. The thing was, though, that I wanted something that he either didn't want or he just wasn't ready for it. Back then, I just blamed it on him. I assumed he was cheating on me. I even had a scapegoat. It was a rivalry that was completely unnecessary had I been confident, sure of myself and our relationship. Unfortunately, I wasn't. It completely ate at me, and I ended up sabotaging the relationship.

Years have passed, and over the years we have crossed paths. I have had some pretty fucked up shit happen to me, both by no fault of my own and some completely my doing. In crossing paths with him, I was vindictive. I was horrible. I remember once he called me a monster. The sad thing was that he was completely right. I was a monster. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the way that I had felt back when he hurt me, even though I'm not so sure that I didn't do it to myself. I hurt him to a point that I don't deserve forgiveness.

It's maddening that someone can still get to you after that many years. I sent him a message, though, and I asked if he'd be willing to have a conversation with me via email. Unfortunately for me, he read "Photoshop for Life" first. I totally called him a sleaze in that entry. My mouth has always gotten me into trouble. That experience, though, was so confusing for me. He lied to me. My mother lied to me. They both wanted it to be a surprise that he was coming to my graduation, and when I saw him there as I was walking down the steps after receiving my diploma...the Universe paused again. It was as if a knife had just been driven into my back right then and there. I was so happy and at the same time, I felt completely betrayed. I was told he couldn't make it because his grandmother had passed away. This is the second time I've been told that someone has died in order to deceive me, in case we're counting. I'm not even going to try to excuse what I said about him, the same way there's no excuse for my calling one of my now good friends a homewrecking whore. It was hurtful...and clearly, I was wrong.

Here's the thing, though. I just wanted to extend the olive branch. I wanted him to know that I get it. I totally understand that I was terrible to him at times. Screw the knife in the back; I plunged it directly into his heart and stood there and watched him bleed. I feel awful about it. I don't expect him to forgive me, but I just thought it was important that he knows that I know that I fucked it up. So this is why I sent him the email. I wanted to ask him if he was willing to hear me out...and he heard me loud and clear...It just wasn't what I really wanted to say to him. He knows how to scold me, though. He knows exactly what to say to me to really put me in my proverbial place.

So, he said "There is a deep chasm between the [woman] who earned such a treasured spot in my mind, and the woman I occasionally crossed paths with in the years following our relationship.
It's easy for me to distinguish between the two...One will always be ardently remembered throughout my life, which only occurs when a great love is shared. The other, post-relationship woman is so different as to not even be the same person."

I know this is coming from a place of hurt. I know that he has no idea of any of the pain that I have encountered to get to where I am today. He really only knew me for a sliver of my life, and truthfully, I wasn't even self-aware at that point. My mom has often said a similar thing to me regarding the person I was before versus the person I am now. She'll say that me 5 years ago would have gotten upset, screamed, went off the deep end, etc. had something happened, but today I am calm in the face of conflict and am able to take criticism for what it is. I hate the notion that I am a different person, though. It really gets to me. I'm the same person, but I have grown. That's the purpose of life. We make mistakes, we learn from them (hopefully), and we are better for it. 

The interesting thing about what he wrote to me is that he is completely right. He's right and yet sooooo completely off-base that it's nearly comical. The person that I was when I was with him was a person who was lost. I was a person who was looking for a guide. I needed that then. I needed someone to hold my hand and show me the world. I needed a person to show me what I could be, what I was capable of becoming. Unfortunately, he wouldn't see the fruits of his labor. It wasn't within me at the time, and the time that passed between then and now he hasn't been a part of my life. He doesn't realize that the post-relationship woman that I am now is so much more than I ever imagined I could be. I am strong. I am humble. I am hardened and yet still sympathetic. I am aware that I am flawed, and back then I could do no wrong. I am patient. I am forgiving. I am kind...I am willing to swallow my pride and go "back to December" in order to ease the pain that I have caused him.

I remember saying that he was my puzzle piece. I fit perfectly into his arms. I felt like he was protecting me, and he really was. What neither of us realized at the time, though, was that he was protecting me from myself. So maybe he wasn't such a sleaze after all...Maybe I was the sleaze in sheep's clothing. Anyway, I truly hope that he will come to understand that though I may not be the person he loved then, I am a much better person because he loved me.

Here's to forgiveness...