Awhile back, I posted a blog about image projection and related it to the story of any super hero, but specifically that of Superman. To summarize it, my theory is that we're all Clark Kent in some way or another. We project what we want people to know and see, and we leave the rest out. We all have somewhat of an alter ego, and there are certain things we will share with only our closest confidants and friends. So, while one person might think that I'm Mother Theresa, another person might see me as a frazzled mom...It's all in what we put out there.
I'm the person who holds it all together for the public, and late at night you might find me broken down, silently crying in bed. So how do you decide who you can trust with those silent tears? How do you trust anyone when those closest to you have some of the worst things to say about you? How do you trust anyone when almost everyone you know has exaggerated or flat-out lied for whatever reason? And really, I shouldn't say almost everyone. I'm really speaking more about the women in my life, those who shaped and molded me, those who were my greatest influence before adulthood, and those who should have taught me how to be the best, most productive woman I could be.
I think it really screws with your ability to have solid, meaningful relationships in life. The last few years of my life have been nothing but soul-searching and self-reflection. I've focused on the big questions in life: why am I here? What happens when I die? If I died today, would I be satisfied with the way I've treated everyone around me? I wake up each morning hoping to be a better wife, mother, and friend than I was just one day prior. I think this constant push for bettering myself has changed me in so many ways. If I look at who I was just 4 years ago, I don't even recognize myself. Physically? Sure, but my soul has opened so much more. My heart is bigger, my anger less, and my belief in the good of humanity has blossomed.
What really sucks is that there are a couple people in my life who haven't noted this change, and who constantly look at the past to gauge my actions and thought process today. Okay, there's one person in particular. We're at odds right now due to disagreements in priorities, but it has become about so much more than that...At this point, I'm not sure if the damage is reparable. I honestly hope that it is, but this is one instance where optimism has forsaken me.
I guess I wonder how deep one's projection runs. Like, because I was so different a few years ago, will I ever be able to change my image? What would happen if Clark Kent started wearing contacts? What if he started wearing colored contacts? Just because I was selfish and angry 5 years ago, will the one person I need to recognize the positive changes I've made always see that anger? Will she always see my 20-something selfish persona? And will she ever take any responsibility for the role she played in creating that person?
I received the best advice from a person who, 5 years ago, I never would have expected it. I never would have guessed that my dad would have the soundest advice for me, the kindest things to say about me, and would be proud of the person I've become. I never would have guessed that, despite our differences, we'd be closer than ever and that he'd be the one to receive the late night phone call and hear me cry. In fact, if a psychic (a real one) had told me that, I would have laughed at her. The thing is, though, that he did have the best things to say. He told me that I know better, that I know my true intentions, I know that I have an open heart (a BIG one). He told me not to listen to the naysayers, no matter how many of them there are, who they are and no matter how hurtful their words may be. They probably haven't taken the time to get to know the woman I've become over the last few years. They are ill-informed or just ignorant. They're messed up (and need to be medicated).
And you know, he's right, but it doesn't take the sting away for some reason. I want that closeness, you know? I want to have that person to call on, no matter what the hour, to laugh hysterically or cry or share something heartfelt. I want to hear that I'm doing such a great job as a mom and a wife. And instead, I've been called disgusting for using my children as pawns (untrue), begrudging & angry, childish, and that I act superior to other people...but as my dad says, you can't change people. You can only work on you.
So I guess that I hope to somehow fill this void in my life with true friends, the kind who see the real me, the kind who I can call at midnight, the kind who won't judge my tear-stained face and puffy eyes...the kind who realize that my heart is good, and my arms are open, and I will happily return the favor anytime. The kind of friends that know that no matter how many offensive words I use, they're just my way of being expressive...the kind of friends who realize it's not their job to judge me, but just to love me for me, the way I do with them.
I pray for the strength and the courage to trust...and the ability to forgive, no matter how many knives have been driven into my back...
Til next time...
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
All Official & Stuff
Well, if you've been following this story at all, you already know, and if not, where the hell have you been??? This is interesting, newsworthy stuff!
Sissy and Sassy saw the invisible sign in our yard on Tuesday, May 17th, 2011. Check my blog for further details if you're lost. At any rate, we tried everything to find their owners, short of driving around in an ice cream truck with a megaphone and shouting. We found nothing, and it seems no one was looking. So, being the saps that we are, we decided to adopt them. Nevermind that we have a 5 month-old baby, a potty training toddler, a shiba inu with an attitude, and not enough money to feed TWO extra mouths. Who cares?! And what the eff is wrong with Indiana that the Humane Society can't return a damn phone call and only takes in animals by appointment? Grrr....
So today, Sissy and Sassy (who have now learned their names and listen when it suits them), have officially joined the Skoglund clan. We took a trip down to F.A.C.E. clinic, which I HIGHLY recommend for all of your pets' vaccination and spay/neuter needs. It began on a high note, with Sassy jumping into Hayden's carseat, unbeknownst to Mark and me. That is, until we heard her in the back seat saying, "Mommy, puppy!" excitedly. I turned around...and well...
When we arrived at the clinic, we had a bit of a wait ahead of us, as their policy is "first come, first served." We, of course, had the most well-behaved and quiet children and animals. HA! More like, the loudest, most obnoxious bully dogs and the most talkative toddler on the planet. The only one who actually behaved herself was the baby! Thank goodness people were at least seemingly understanding...Although I'm sure they had plenty to talk about when they got home to their spouses...
When it was finally our turn to torture our animals with multiple needles, the fun began. We somehow managed to get all of our belongings (read: mommy's purse, baby's infant seat, baby toys, baby blanket, etc.), children & animals into the tiny little exam room, when our super smart (okay, well, just maybe normal) toddler began exploring all of the different doors!
Sissy and Sassy saw the invisible sign in our yard on Tuesday, May 17th, 2011. Check my blog for further details if you're lost. At any rate, we tried everything to find their owners, short of driving around in an ice cream truck with a megaphone and shouting. We found nothing, and it seems no one was looking. So, being the saps that we are, we decided to adopt them. Nevermind that we have a 5 month-old baby, a potty training toddler, a shiba inu with an attitude, and not enough money to feed TWO extra mouths. Who cares?! And what the eff is wrong with Indiana that the Humane Society can't return a damn phone call and only takes in animals by appointment? Grrr....
So today, Sissy and Sassy (who have now learned their names and listen when it suits them), have officially joined the Skoglund clan. We took a trip down to F.A.C.E. clinic, which I HIGHLY recommend for all of your pets' vaccination and spay/neuter needs. It began on a high note, with Sassy jumping into Hayden's carseat, unbeknownst to Mark and me. That is, until we heard her in the back seat saying, "Mommy, puppy!" excitedly. I turned around...and well...
When it was finally our turn to torture our animals with multiple needles, the fun began. We somehow managed to get all of our belongings (read: mommy's purse, baby's infant seat, baby toys, baby blanket, etc.), children & animals into the tiny little exam room, when our super smart (okay, well, just maybe normal) toddler began exploring all of the different doors!
Damn lever handles!
So the vet ignored this and our single ring circus and says, "Okay, who's first?!" While juggling leashes, a baby, an escaping toddler, and baby gear, Mark decided on Sassy. So the vet picked her up and put her on the table, and Gi decided this would be the perfect time to puke. AWESOME! The vet still ignored the circus in her midst and said, "Well, she definitely needs a dental cleaning. Okay, so 2 small pinches back here and then we'll do the microchip up front..." Meanwhile, I'm trying to reach down and find the receiving blanket to clean up the puke, and Mark is trying to catch Hayden, who had escaped into the "STAFF only" area at the clinic. Maybe she didn't notice our struggle, but the vet got clearly annoyed and said sternly, "I'm going to need someone to hold her." Ummm, sure, lady! Just give me one damn minute so I can clean the puke off my baby and catch my toddler before she vaccinates your STAFF, okaaaay?!
Thank goodness Sassy was super cooperative and didn't mind the pinches at all. She stood there and proudly took her shots, knowing (I'm sure) that she now had a permanent home. Sissy did the same, with only one very tiny squeal when they put in the microchip. They made mama and daddy proud, and yes, we are now officially Mama and Daddy.
Til next time...
The Other Side of the Coin...Casey Anthony & Jared Loughner
So I was thinking...everyone is talking about these two people lately, you know, Casey Anthony & Jared Loughner. One allegedly murdered her daughter, and the other shot up a political event outside a grocery store (okay, that, to me, was a little bit of an odd place for some political meet-n-greet, but whatevs). Now, everybody wants justice.
Let's first talk about Loughner. He was found incompetent to stand trial earlier this week, which means that he was transferred to a facility in Missouri (Coincidence? Missouri?? Misery? I don't know...). Either way, the judge basically said that the dude is whacked out of his mind and won't be able to understand what is going on. Some people are really pissed about this. Personally, I'm not surprised.
The other trial going on that everyone seems to be following is that of Casey Anthony. Let's assume for the moment that she did kill her daughter. I'm not saying one way or another because I haven't followed the story closely enough, nor is it my job to make that determination. However, let's say she did. So these 2 people both committed unspeakable acts of violence and injustice, right? Okay, great (well, not really, but you know).
One of these people is found incompetent to stand trial, and the other is chasing her tail and can't decide which story is the truth. People in America are outraged at both of them. People are disgusted and angry and want justice. So this is where I come in with an opinion.
I would argue that our "justice system" is incompetent. Our justice system is really systematic revenge that is socially acceptable. Here's why: humans are inherently good. (I understand that this is an opinion, but it's one of my core beliefs) If humans are inherently good, no one would intentionally harm another human being unless something is wrong with that person. Criminal acts are committed out of desperation, misunderstanding, fear and mental illness. It is believed by many that Loughner suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. And it could easily be argued that Anthony suffered (suffers?) from post-partum depression, which was the reason that she killed her own daughter.
Now, justice is defined as the quality of being just, impartial or fair. That said, is it really fair to punish either of these human beings for committing an act that they were compromised mentally while committing? Wouldn't the fair thing to do be to fix the problem, rather than to kill them or lock them up? And if they can't ever be "cured," wouldn't the fair thing to do be to treat them in a mental hospital? I'm not saying that they should be held in the same facility as just anyone with a mental illness, but a confinement facility for the mentally ill who have committed crimes against humanity.
I realize that Anthony claims she didn't kill her daughter, but again, this all goes back to human nature. As humans, one of the most common reasons that we lie is to avoid punishment out of fear. So maybe now that she is in her right mind (if she even is), she is scared. Who wants to go to jail? Raise your hand! I mean, I'm not saying that lying is the right thing to do. I'm just saying that none of us can say what we would do in her situation...unless we're in it.
For me, I could never agree with capital punishment because it goes against everything I believe. It's a hell of a lot cheaper to kill the stray animal than it is to rehabilitate it, love it, and take care of it though, isn't it?
Til next time...
Let's first talk about Loughner. He was found incompetent to stand trial earlier this week, which means that he was transferred to a facility in Missouri (Coincidence? Missouri?? Misery? I don't know...). Either way, the judge basically said that the dude is whacked out of his mind and won't be able to understand what is going on. Some people are really pissed about this. Personally, I'm not surprised.
The other trial going on that everyone seems to be following is that of Casey Anthony. Let's assume for the moment that she did kill her daughter. I'm not saying one way or another because I haven't followed the story closely enough, nor is it my job to make that determination. However, let's say she did. So these 2 people both committed unspeakable acts of violence and injustice, right? Okay, great (well, not really, but you know).
One of these people is found incompetent to stand trial, and the other is chasing her tail and can't decide which story is the truth. People in America are outraged at both of them. People are disgusted and angry and want justice. So this is where I come in with an opinion.
I would argue that our "justice system" is incompetent. Our justice system is really systematic revenge that is socially acceptable. Here's why: humans are inherently good. (I understand that this is an opinion, but it's one of my core beliefs) If humans are inherently good, no one would intentionally harm another human being unless something is wrong with that person. Criminal acts are committed out of desperation, misunderstanding, fear and mental illness. It is believed by many that Loughner suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. And it could easily be argued that Anthony suffered (suffers?) from post-partum depression, which was the reason that she killed her own daughter.
Now, justice is defined as the quality of being just, impartial or fair. That said, is it really fair to punish either of these human beings for committing an act that they were compromised mentally while committing? Wouldn't the fair thing to do be to fix the problem, rather than to kill them or lock them up? And if they can't ever be "cured," wouldn't the fair thing to do be to treat them in a mental hospital? I'm not saying that they should be held in the same facility as just anyone with a mental illness, but a confinement facility for the mentally ill who have committed crimes against humanity.
I realize that Anthony claims she didn't kill her daughter, but again, this all goes back to human nature. As humans, one of the most common reasons that we lie is to avoid punishment out of fear. So maybe now that she is in her right mind (if she even is), she is scared. Who wants to go to jail? Raise your hand! I mean, I'm not saying that lying is the right thing to do. I'm just saying that none of us can say what we would do in her situation...unless we're in it.
For me, I could never agree with capital punishment because it goes against everything I believe. It's a hell of a lot cheaper to kill the stray animal than it is to rehabilitate it, love it, and take care of it though, isn't it?
Til next time...
Friday, May 27, 2011
One Friend's Trash Is...Well, Another Friend's Trash?
Okay, so you know how you tell someone a story that you just think is pee-your-pants funny, and the other person looks at you like you just peed your pants? Well, this might be that kind of story. Or...you might pee your pants. So, consider yourself warned either way.
So I've been lending one of my friends some baby clothes, and she's been giving them back to me a little at a time. Her daughter still fits into these clothes, but I think she just wants an excuse to go shopping...Or maybe this is her way of slowly telling me that she thinks the clothes my daughters wore are hideous. Either way, she's been really sweet about it, and I'm happy to loan out my daughters' hideous clothes to whomever will take them off my hands for a little while.
At any rate (a phrase I use that always gets a chuckle out of my dearest husband), she dropped by for a quick second the other day to give me a plastic shopping bag with a few clothing items in it so that I could sell them at my leisure. After she left, I proceeded to open said bag to find...well, TRASH.
Can you say, "oops?!" I just about peed myself and DIED at the same time at this discovery. My exact words to Mark were, "OMG. _______ is going to DIE!!!!" And I continued laughing hysterically while I attempted to text her. She called me back a little while later to tell me that she was "dying." See?? I knew it!
It gets better. OH, YES, people. Fast forward to the next day, when she promised to drop off the actual clothing. Although, I must admit that part of me is thinking that the trash bag was a subtle message letting me know that she does think my clothes are trashy, hence why she mixed up the two bags by her front door. I digress. She put the other plastic bag (the correct one) on my front door, but she also told me that she had to first take it out of her trash can outside. HILARITY. If you're not laughing, too effing bad. I think this is the funniest S*** EVER.
She did say something very interesting to me though. She said, "thank God it was you!" I'm interested to know if she was happy that it was me because I am less likely to judge her for it...OR...maybe it is how she truly feels about me?
And the next time I tell her I'm going to loan her some baby clothes, I'm going to make sure to bring her a nice bag 'o trash! HA!
Honestly, though, I have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for, and my best friends know they need not be embarrassed if they give me a bag of trash. That's just the kind of friend I am, you know, the kind that you can dump s*** on her front porch...and rather than chastise and judge you for it, I'll smile & laugh, and then throw it away for you. Oh, and then tease you about it...FOREVER!
So I've been lending one of my friends some baby clothes, and she's been giving them back to me a little at a time. Her daughter still fits into these clothes, but I think she just wants an excuse to go shopping...Or maybe this is her way of slowly telling me that she thinks the clothes my daughters wore are hideous. Either way, she's been really sweet about it, and I'm happy to loan out my daughters' hideous clothes to whomever will take them off my hands for a little while.
At any rate (a phrase I use that always gets a chuckle out of my dearest husband), she dropped by for a quick second the other day to give me a plastic shopping bag with a few clothing items in it so that I could sell them at my leisure. After she left, I proceeded to open said bag to find...well, TRASH.
It gets better. OH, YES, people. Fast forward to the next day, when she promised to drop off the actual clothing. Although, I must admit that part of me is thinking that the trash bag was a subtle message letting me know that she does think my clothes are trashy, hence why she mixed up the two bags by her front door. I digress. She put the other plastic bag (the correct one) on my front door, but she also told me that she had to first take it out of her trash can outside. HILARITY. If you're not laughing, too effing bad. I think this is the funniest S*** EVER.
She did say something very interesting to me though. She said, "thank God it was you!" I'm interested to know if she was happy that it was me because I am less likely to judge her for it...OR...maybe it is how she truly feels about me?
And the next time I tell her I'm going to loan her some baby clothes, I'm going to make sure to bring her a nice bag 'o trash! HA!
Honestly, though, I have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for, and my best friends know they need not be embarrassed if they give me a bag of trash. That's just the kind of friend I am, you know, the kind that you can dump s*** on her front porch...and rather than chastise and judge you for it, I'll smile & laugh, and then throw it away for you. Oh, and then tease you about it...FOREVER!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sissy & Sassy: Unofficially Skoglunds
Well, it's been 4 days since Sissy and Sassy found their way to us, and it seems as though they are now Skoglund girls. That makes the female ratio in our house now 6:1. Poor Mark, right?! We have decided to adopt them because we're softies. HUGE softies. We are totally in love with them, dammit.
Yesterday evening we went to Walmart and got them collars and tags (because if they ever "run off" again, we want them to have a HOME to come back to), special treats (for training & lovin'), allergy medication (for Sassy), shampoo, and of course FOOD. Today, after the garage sale, we made the trek over to PetSmart to get their nails done & ears cleaned, and Monday they have an appointment to see the doctor for a good once-over. If anyone comes out of the woodwork to claim them, they're pretty much out of luck at this point, unless they'd like to reimburse us for all of the money we'll have spent on them...And that's if they even WANT to leave. I'm pretty sure they're happy where they're at though!
The groomer at PetSmart said she is 150% sure they are Schnauzers, though "not the best bred" she's ever seen. HA! They absolutely HATED having their nails done, and the ear cleaning & plucking was horrible to watch. Apparently, they weren't very "well" taken care of...they just weren't raised on the streets or anything. Neither of them has been spayed, so that is another giant expense we will take on, but again, it's all about Karma. And I keep going back to the fact that if it was me, and I was Sassy or Sissy, I would just PRAY that a nice family would take me in and give me something to eat, a shower, a pedicure, and some love. So even though it might cost us a crapton of money, we are doing the right thing.
I am posting photos now because they are now OUR dogs. I didn't want to post any photos earlier, just in case some fake owners decided they were cute and wanted to steal them from us. lol.
Yesterday evening we went to Walmart and got them collars and tags (because if they ever "run off" again, we want them to have a HOME to come back to), special treats (for training & lovin'), allergy medication (for Sassy), shampoo, and of course FOOD. Today, after the garage sale, we made the trek over to PetSmart to get their nails done & ears cleaned, and Monday they have an appointment to see the doctor for a good once-over. If anyone comes out of the woodwork to claim them, they're pretty much out of luck at this point, unless they'd like to reimburse us for all of the money we'll have spent on them...And that's if they even WANT to leave. I'm pretty sure they're happy where they're at though!
The groomer at PetSmart said she is 150% sure they are Schnauzers, though "not the best bred" she's ever seen. HA! They absolutely HATED having their nails done, and the ear cleaning & plucking was horrible to watch. Apparently, they weren't very "well" taken care of...they just weren't raised on the streets or anything. Neither of them has been spayed, so that is another giant expense we will take on, but again, it's all about Karma. And I keep going back to the fact that if it was me, and I was Sassy or Sissy, I would just PRAY that a nice family would take me in and give me something to eat, a shower, a pedicure, and some love. So even though it might cost us a crapton of money, we are doing the right thing.
I am posting photos now because they are now OUR dogs. I didn't want to post any photos earlier, just in case some fake owners decided they were cute and wanted to steal them from us. lol.
Sissy & I
After baths, they're SO relaxed!
Sissy
Relaxing on the sofa, watching a little Disney Channel
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Here's Our Sign: Lost/Orphaned Animals Welcome...
So, call me a sucker, but I just can't leave animals out running wild when I know they're not wild animals. Mark and I have found (and returned) enough dogs over the course of our relationship to start an orphanage. Swear. Just last week we found a Chihuahua. No tags, no collar, nothing. Thank GAWD the owner posted all over our subdivision, and we were able to return her within a matter of hours. A few months back it was a Schnauzer mix from the neighborhood next door. This one was well-marked and returned faster than that. Before THAT it was a Jack Russell that we found running on the side of the road (a busy one), thankfully the owner was only a few minutes behind him. Last summer, "Lucky" wandered over to our house to play 4 times before we told the owners that we would call animal control the next time...which we actually ended up having to do. I digress...
Last night around 7:45pm, it was raining and nasty and chilly out, and 2 adorable little dogs wandered into our yard..Mark had just been telling me about a bird who had been dive-bombing our poor cat for awhile, so when I heard him say "Oh. no. Oh. My. God." I was certain that the bird had succeeded in his efforts to at least maim our poor guy. Nope. I was wrong. There were the 2 cutest little orphans one ever did see...and WHO would leave them out in the cold and rain? Well, apparently, most other people that I've talked to...not us. First, I walked them through our neighborhood, which was completely quiet. There were no signs of anyone searching for these ladies...So then Mark took off in his Jeep with them to look around the neighborhoods nearby and then to the Emergency vet to see if they were micro-chipped or if anyone had come looking there for them. Nope, no luck...so he came home and slept on the kitchen floor with them.
He did this, of course, because they are suffering from some kind of separation anxiety and would bark and cry if someone left the room. It's not like we had 2 sleeping kids and another female (territorial) dog in the house or anything. I mean, what the eff?! So rather than spend my day pricing crap for my garage sale, which starts TOMORROW, I have spent the day trying to acclimate all of the dogs, keep the kids happy, clean up poop (from a potty training toddler AND one of the dogs--not sure which one), oh AND clean up toys so the new dogs don't eat them.
At any rate, I am pretty sure there is an invisible sign that only dogs can see and read (somewhat like a dog whistle?) in our yard that says: "Lost/Orphaned Animals Welcome. Will feed, bathe & love. Ask for nothing in return." Yes, we're saps. But I'm pretty certain it will pay off in one way or another. That's Karma, folks, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Til Next time...
Last night around 7:45pm, it was raining and nasty and chilly out, and 2 adorable little dogs wandered into our yard..Mark had just been telling me about a bird who had been dive-bombing our poor cat for awhile, so when I heard him say "Oh. no. Oh. My. God." I was certain that the bird had succeeded in his efforts to at least maim our poor guy. Nope. I was wrong. There were the 2 cutest little orphans one ever did see...and WHO would leave them out in the cold and rain? Well, apparently, most other people that I've talked to...not us. First, I walked them through our neighborhood, which was completely quiet. There were no signs of anyone searching for these ladies...So then Mark took off in his Jeep with them to look around the neighborhoods nearby and then to the Emergency vet to see if they were micro-chipped or if anyone had come looking there for them. Nope, no luck...so he came home and slept on the kitchen floor with them.
He did this, of course, because they are suffering from some kind of separation anxiety and would bark and cry if someone left the room. It's not like we had 2 sleeping kids and another female (territorial) dog in the house or anything. I mean, what the eff?! So rather than spend my day pricing crap for my garage sale, which starts TOMORROW, I have spent the day trying to acclimate all of the dogs, keep the kids happy, clean up poop (from a potty training toddler AND one of the dogs--not sure which one), oh AND clean up toys so the new dogs don't eat them.
At any rate, I am pretty sure there is an invisible sign that only dogs can see and read (somewhat like a dog whistle?) in our yard that says: "Lost/Orphaned Animals Welcome. Will feed, bathe & love. Ask for nothing in return." Yes, we're saps. But I'm pretty certain it will pay off in one way or another. That's Karma, folks, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Til Next time...
Monday, May 16, 2011
All Kidding Aside...An Update on My Birth Trauma
For all of those who have offered me any kind of support since the birth of Genevieve, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, even if it was just by listening to me or reading my story. It has been a difficult road, but it's one that I am almost grateful for because it has given me so much perspective and has allowed me to understand the countless women who have endured what I have. I remember wondering in the beginning if time really does heal all things and how much scar tissue would remain in the weeks, months, and years that would follow that day.
I remember wondering how I would love my second daughter as much as my first, being that her birth was such a painful experience and one that I knew would haunt me for a long time to come. I remember thinking about it every single time I looked at her face, no matter how perfect and beautiful she was. Each time I looked at her, each time I held her, every single suckle at my breast I was holding back tears. Add to that the fact that our breastfeeding relationship started out as rocky as could ever be possible, and one can easily see why I felt the way that I did. Each day brought new trials, each hour tested my character and tenacity. I remember wondering how on Earth I would make it through 6 weeks of nursing when so much trauma had occurred in the first hours and days.
That said, I wanted to let everyone know that though time hasn't necessarily healed me, it has allowed me to understand that life isn't perfect. It has allowed me to realize that sometimes you have to detour in order to really see the beauty around you. So even though Genevieve's birth was horrible and painful and unfair, I have bonded with her in a way that I had always hoped was possible. A week or so ago, Birthing Naturally posted on Facebook and posed a very interesting question about breastfeeding: who taught you? Was it a nurse, a lactation consultant, a book, a friend, your baby? So, I thought about it...and it made me realize that Genevieve Rose has taught me. She and I are making this journey together, each day as we learn from one another and grow our bond. Who would have ever thought that a baby could teach you how to breastfeed? I've got all the best books out there, had lactation consultants and nurses at my disposal, friends who have been there done that, and the best teacher is my beautiful daughter.
I think what makes this so much more important is that Genevieve has helped to heal the pain of not being able to nurse Hayden. I was absolutely devastated when I had to start formula with her at 6 months. I felt that my body had failed me, that I had failed to do what every woman is meant to do. So it's like I've come full circle. And even though I know there will always be some amount of pain associated with Genevieve's birth, she has healed the pain I had with not being able to breastfeed Hayden. She's an amazing teacher, and I told Mark yesterday, she truly is the BEST medicine.
And at 4 months and change, she is my breastfeeding TROPHY, weighing in at 17lbs 8oz!
Til next time...
I remember wondering how I would love my second daughter as much as my first, being that her birth was such a painful experience and one that I knew would haunt me for a long time to come. I remember thinking about it every single time I looked at her face, no matter how perfect and beautiful she was. Each time I looked at her, each time I held her, every single suckle at my breast I was holding back tears. Add to that the fact that our breastfeeding relationship started out as rocky as could ever be possible, and one can easily see why I felt the way that I did. Each day brought new trials, each hour tested my character and tenacity. I remember wondering how on Earth I would make it through 6 weeks of nursing when so much trauma had occurred in the first hours and days.
That said, I wanted to let everyone know that though time hasn't necessarily healed me, it has allowed me to understand that life isn't perfect. It has allowed me to realize that sometimes you have to detour in order to really see the beauty around you. So even though Genevieve's birth was horrible and painful and unfair, I have bonded with her in a way that I had always hoped was possible. A week or so ago, Birthing Naturally posted on Facebook and posed a very interesting question about breastfeeding: who taught you? Was it a nurse, a lactation consultant, a book, a friend, your baby? So, I thought about it...and it made me realize that Genevieve Rose has taught me. She and I are making this journey together, each day as we learn from one another and grow our bond. Who would have ever thought that a baby could teach you how to breastfeed? I've got all the best books out there, had lactation consultants and nurses at my disposal, friends who have been there done that, and the best teacher is my beautiful daughter.
I think what makes this so much more important is that Genevieve has helped to heal the pain of not being able to nurse Hayden. I was absolutely devastated when I had to start formula with her at 6 months. I felt that my body had failed me, that I had failed to do what every woman is meant to do. So it's like I've come full circle. And even though I know there will always be some amount of pain associated with Genevieve's birth, she has healed the pain I had with not being able to breastfeed Hayden. She's an amazing teacher, and I told Mark yesterday, she truly is the BEST medicine.
And at 4 months and change, she is my breastfeeding TROPHY, weighing in at 17lbs 8oz!
Til next time...
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