Taking Back My Name

Some of you may or may not have noticed, but I changed the name of this blog. I'm guessing that those of you judgmental hypocritical assholes probably didn't notice...Or you think that I'm looking for a pity party and feeling sorry for myself. To that I say, good for you. Just keep reading, and as you asked, I'll keep bringing the entertainment.

Captain has been focused slightly on a nickname for me, as I have christened him with 2: Captain being one, and the other I prefer to keep private. Either way, it's so funny because I can't tell you how many people have asked me what my nickname is, and I have none. The only one I've ever had is actually a name I prefer never to have to see again, being that it is extremely closely associated with Crazypants. It's interesting to me that I've been around for as long as I have without a solid nickname.

That being said, when I first started blogging, I was theXile. It fit me at the time, and the more I think about it, it just fits me in general. It was funny because when I first started blogging as Xile, it was focused entirely on my exile from the Coast Guard. Really though, I am just an entire collection of exiles. I've been exiled from family members, from my Christian upbringing, from King's family, from mainstream society. I even moved 2,000 miles away from home as soon as I graduated high school. I mean, you name it, I'm probably outside the norm. It's okay, though. I would so much rather be true to myself than be uncomfortable but acceptable to the masses.

The negative feedback that I've gotten from my recent blog entries just amplifies the need for me to return to my roots. It fits. I'm theXile. I'm vile, unacceptable, a whore, vicious, conniving, manipulative, mean...I mean, I may be the best villain next to Lucifer himself. People ask me if it bothers me. My friends tell me they're sorry that people are saying horrible things about and to me. My family (that I still have left) is worried that I will become (have become?) a social pariah. The thing is, though, that I know better. My heart is in the right place, no matter where my home is or isn't. I may be exiled from every last person on this earth, but I am happy with myself. I don't allow other people to dictate my happiness or my morals. I don't allow other people to think for me or deem what's right for me in the same way that I don't dictate what's right for anyone else. I make choices based on what makes sense in my life for my family.

At the end of the day, I am theXile. And I couldn't be more proud. I stand strong in the face of adversity and judgment, knowing that I am doing the best I can do in every given situation. I stumble, I fall, and I always end up picking myself back up at the end of the day. I may be bloody and bruised, but scars just add character to my personality. My choices are my own, and that is what matters. How many of you have made a difficult choice in order to remain true to yourself, even in the face of venomous criticism? How many of you are willing to put it all on the line just to remain true to yourself and do what you believe is right, against all odds?

Lastly, I want to address this idea of narcissism with regard to me. I'm not obsessed with myself, I don't get off on thinking about myself, and I am not more fascinated with myself than I am with anyone else. If people don't actually take the time to read and comprehend some of the things I've written here, rather than judging me based on one particular story or incident, that's fine. However, I have admitted some very difficult mistakes that I've made in friendships, romantic relationships, as well as familial relationships. I have made amends with people from whom I don't believe I even deserved forgiveness. We are all better people for doing so and being humble enough to really take a look in the proverbial mirror and see the ugliness that sometimes dwells within us all. No one is perfect, and I don't claim to be.

This is my journey, my life, and my experiences. I am putting myself out there for everyone to see and read, and I have been lynched for it multiple times over...I highly doubt that makes me narcissistic. I certainly don't believe that I am better or worse than anyone else. Say what you will about me, but at the end of the day, are you happy with what you've said and done?

Here's to fortitude...