Forgive This!

I want to talk about forgiveness for a bit. Since I am on a 'healing' kick lately, I want to talk about that. I want to explore what it means in theory, in practice, and whether or not it's actually a practicality. I always wonder why people say to forgive and forget. I understand the forgiving part, but why am I expected to forget? And can one actually forget what needed forgiving? We are shaped by our past experiences, both good and bad. So, if I was to forget something that has shaped me, it would make me less of who I am. I might also forget any lesson that was learned in the process...And since life is a journey and a learning process, I am not so keen on that idea.

So forgiving is is the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. There are a lot of pretty strong words in that sentence. Honestly, there is a lot of negativity in not so many words. I think there are several things of note in the concept of forgiveness itself. First, there is the perceived offense. Please understand that by saying perceived, one recognizes that the party who feels offended, whether it was intentional or not, it is said party's reality. Perception is reality to that individual. It is a means of discovery through our 5 senses. The second part to forgiving is letting go of the need for justice. In other words, you are letting go of everything negative with regard to the perceived offense. So you are letting go of the anger and hurt as well as the need for justice. So how do we get there?

Well, the Bible would say that you just go. Christians are taught to forgive out of obedience to their Lord. Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
Is this practical? Does that actually work? This idea implies that we let go of the anger, resentment, hurt and need for any justice without needing anything in return. The offender is not required to acknowledge, take responsibility or even apologize in order to be forgiven. I'm not a person to hold a grudge, but damn, that seems rather insane, if you ask me. (Note to self: add to list of reasons why I no longer practice the Christian faith). I have no problem forgiving someone for hurting me, but they damn well better realize they did it and do something about it. Without acknowledging that we have been hurt or offended, I don't really think it's possible for those feelings to dissipate. Maybe that is just me, but to me, it's a recipe for disaster. I wouldn't think it would be healthy for Hubby and I to have a disagreement, he throws a dish or 2 at me, and then later I just "forgive" him. I put that in quotes because without Hubby recognizing that he probably shouldn't have thrown the damn dishes in the first place, I wouldn't be able to let go of the hurt. If Hubby doesn't apologize or acknowledge his action was offensive, I'm pretty sure things like that would continue to happen, which wouldn't be very helpful to our relationship.

That being said, let me put this into context for you in a case where it is possible to forgive someone and actually heal and move forward. I'm not saying to forget, mind you. I am saying to forgive and move forward. My ex husband and I separated near the end of 2006. It was so hard for me. I remember going to lunch with him at Chili's (I hated Chili's) when the final decision was made. I drove down from Phoenix, where I was staying with a friend and working. I ordered the Cajun chicken pasta. That's how vivid my memory is of that moment. I remember we just didn't have much to say to each other. We'd spent so much energy arguing and fighting and disagreeing that we had nothing left. I wanted to work it out. I really did. I think I wanted to work it out, though, for all the wrong reasons. The first one that comes to mind? There's that voice in my head saying, "I knew it wouldn't last. You guys had no idea what you were getting yourselves into...you are too young..." #FAILURE. I didn't want to work it out because I was in love with him. I wanted to work it out because I wanted to do something right. However, he didn't. He told me no, and that was that. I was just completely baffled. I felt abandoned, alone, like a scared little girl in the middle of an amusement park having just lost her mother...Like there were thousands of people scurrying along...and my mother was nowhere in sight. I couldn't believe it...But it happened.

He filed for divorce In July of 2007. I'll never forget that day. I started smoking that day. I got the divorce papers in the mail, went to the liquor store...and sat out front getting wasted and smoking. What the hell else was I supposed to do, right? I mean, it wasn't even that I wanted to get back together with him at that point. It was the finality. That was it. It was really done. I signed my name, and there goes my marriage. It was another tick mark on the failure chart of life. It was a tumultuous summer for me, and during that time was when I made the brilliant choice to enter the military. It's so funny because I think a lot of people do that...Like, hey, I am in the middle of a complete mindfuck right now. I think I'll join the military to take my mind off that! I say that now, and it sounds absolutely ridiculous. It actually was pretty fucking ridiculous. I thought I could run away to the military the way that people run away to the circus. I mean, the difference here though, is that the circus is meant to be fun. The military is basically legal cruel & unusual punishment. And, as you may have read from a recent entry, that was an epic fail as well. I mean, looking back, I'm not surprised at all. There is no way I was mentally fit enough to handle that kind of shit. Although, I'm not sure anyone is...

So anyway, 3 weeks before I left for boot camp, I found out from a mutual friend that my ex husband's girlfriend was pregnant. Well, if that wouldn't send me into a downward spiral, I'm really not sure anything could. It was horrible. I cried for a week straight. I didn't even know what to do with myself. I was so stricken with grief for several reasons. For one, if the divorce papers weren't final enough, I'm pretty sure a baby would solidify that. Second, I wanted a baby. He didn't. He said he wasn't ready, that we weren't ready. It was a huge reason that our marriage fell apart. And finally, of all people in this world that could have been having his baby, it was her. It was the one girl that he had talked about for the entire term of our relationship. It was the girl who looked like me. It was the girl that he had spent 6 months of his life crying after they had broken up, who had kept him from sleeping in his own bed for that entire time. Of course I had to lose to her. I had suspected there was something going on between the 2 of them before we had split. He had been talking to her online, and I didn't want him to be doing that. I knew that if there was one person who could get between us, it would be her. So, this news of the baby confirmed that for me...

Fast forward to this past December 2011. I have an Ebay store, and I'm selling children's clothes. It has been going really well, and I enjoy it. Well, as I was closing out some of my auctions, I saw her name. She had bought a dress from me. I almost threw up on my keyboard. What. The. Fuck. Paranoia and anxiety immediately welled up inside of me, and I called for Hubby to come and see. There was her name. There was their address. I thought for sure this was some sort of stalking venture. I thought for sure it was some way of just trying to get to me. Now that I am typing that, it sounds crazy to me. Yeesh. Anyway, I text messaged my ex and asked him if I could just cancel the transaction. I just couldn't do it. They both got a good laugh out of it. Meanwhile, I was having a panic attack and an Asthma attack at the same fucking time over this shit. Apparently, I had failed to let go of something.

She ended up leaving me negative feedback on Ebay, and it rather pissed me off. I felt like I had done nothing wrong, other than kindly asking to cancel the transaction. She mistakenly thought that I had relisted the dress at double the price, but I had just listed it for the price she would have paid with free shipping. Anyway, she wasn't happy; I wasn't happy...and I basically called her a homewrecking whore on Ebay. SHAME ON ME. We got into a conversation of Facebook about it, and I learned the truth. It was an extremely coincidental turn of events that had happened, and she didn't know my side of the story either. I felt awful for doing what I did, and thankfully, it was able to be undone. She felt bad, too, and we both corrected our mistakes. I sent her a box full of clothes for her little girl, in hopes that it would make up for the dress that I refused to sell her. And now? We are becoming great friends. She has been so incredibly kind to me, and she didn't have to be. We have truly forgiven each other...And how did we get there? Well, it damn sure wasn't by glossing over the details and choosing just to forget anything.

We both recognized the hurt that we caused each other...We apologized for it, and we won't do it again. Brooke, your kindness and compassion will never be forgotten. You have been an amazing friend to me, and I look forward to what the future holds for us and for both of our families. I am so thankful that we were able to rectify our situation, as I am sure that it has been helpful for both of us. Though our friendship shouldn't even be possible, it is made possible through the promise of forgiveness, peace and love.

Here's to the Exes...