Peace in War

**Deep Breath** So my sister is getting married in 5 days. I haven't forgotten about it. In fact, it's now become a reality. Before, it was just theoretical. It could be happening, but it may not come to fruition. Now it's real. It hit me on Sunday, which also happened to be my father's 52nd birthday. This is one of those times that McHottie was telling me about, I am pretty sure. You know, the times where I take the box off the shelf, dust it off, open it, shed some tears...and put it back on the shelf.

I felt oddly compelled to go to a gas station (because I'm too cheap to waste good flowers on someone like him) and buy flowers. Then I would have taken the flowers to a cemetery, ripped off the petals, and then tossed them onto someone's grave. For someone who hasn't experienced this kind of thing, I'm sure it's a difficult concept to grasp...and I can't fully explain it myself. Instead, I went to the grocery with no phone, and I decided to focus in on myself. When I'm grieving, it helps me. Some people like to be comforted with closeness, but I find that to make me much more emotional and affected. I'd rather be alone with my thoughts and feelings and have them in peace without affecting anyone else or allowing anyone else to affect me. This is difficult for Hubby, especially because he can't stand to see me hurting. He wants to reach out and hold me, and I just want to be wrapped in a warm breeze from Mother Nature.

Even looking back to several years ago with my college boyfriend, he never understood why I would leave when we'd argue. I would take a drive in my convertible and let the wind blow through my hair, let music penetrate my soul...and just be with myself. It was the ultimate freedom for me. I need that freedom. I need the freedom to express myself and just let go, even if it's just for a few moments. I remember going to a park and writing in my journal...I'd always come back ready to talk, but I needed to gather myself first. I digress.

I found I had this lump in my throat while I was shopping that I just couldn't shake. It was annoying the living hell out of me, and I was plenty hydrated. I just couldn't figure out what the problem was. However, when I pulled into my drive at home, the answer was strewn about my face in the form of tears...literally pouring salt onto my wounds. I sat silently while they fell, wiped my face, and went inside to finish my day...

Yesterday I did probably the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life, excluding removing the toxic blood from my life. I sat in front of my screen with my coffee, and the river began to flow...As the first tear splashed on my desk, my phone started to ring. It was MamaBear. At that point, all bets were off, and I wasn't able to stop the salty river from trespassing.

MamaBear has been put in an extremely difficult and unfair position in that she has one daughter getting married and about to experience what should be the happiest moment of her life to this point and the other who is grieving over the loss of a sister and the lack of involvement and inclusion in that milestone. She has to take a side, unfortunately. You just cannot straddle that line. There is no way that she will be able to put her focus on my sister's happy milestone while still supporting me. Supporting me takes the focus off of my sister and puts the spotlight on the feud. I refuse to allow that, as my sister (despite my feelings about her choices in her own life and the way she's treated me) deserves to have her moment. Her moment should be hers and hers alone. It shouldn't be tarnished by my grief, my hurt, and my anger.

So I laid down my sword. I told MamaBear that I love her, and I asked her not to call me until after she gets back home. I asked her to let me know, preferably via text message, that she arrived safely. However, that's all. She felt awful. I know she did. She didn't even really know what to say. I just told her that I have an excellent support system here, and right now, she needs to be happy and focus on my sister. I meant every last word of it. I rather surprised myself in this, actually. I hadn't planned on telling her this, nor had I ever thought I'd be in a position to do so...but that's what happened.

I am keeping myself busy this week, but even that hasn't kept my mind from the impending nuptials. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Being excluded from something this monumental brings an incredible amount of trauma to my life, as selfish as that may seem. I never imagined I'd be completely excluded from my only sister's wedding...ever. Some people think I should just go and sit quietly in the back...and those people just don't understand how much it will destroy me. Someone else will hold her bouquet of lilies...Someone else will brush the one stray curl from her face...Someone else will make sure her train is perfectly lain at the alter...The thought alone absolutely crushes my soul; I can't imagine actually watching it play out in person.

So I've made other plans, though I have no idea what they are. I like it that way. I have something with which to look forward. I have positivity on the horizon, rather than the option to grieve over a loss outside of my control. And in the meantime, I have an amazing support system of my friends...who have become my family.

Here's to true love...