Genevieve Rose: A Story of Triumph Over Birth Trauma

The morning of December 23rd was filled with excitement and anticipation as Mark and I drove to the hospital to be induced with our second child. It was going to be quite exciting, not only because we'd be welcoming a new member to our family, but also because we did not know the sex of the baby.
We would be joined by my sister and our doula as well, which made it even more special, as my sister had never witnessed a birth and was unable to be there when our first daughter was born.
Upon arriving at the hospital, I was filled with a sense of calm and peace as we awaited the impending induction. I knew what to expect, as I had been induced with Hayden as well. This was great because I was not scared at all and was very ready to welcome my second child into the world. The induction began around 8:30, when Dr. Rasmussen came in to break my bag of waters. This was a VERY painful process, and it seemed that my baby was just maybe not as ready to enter the world as I was ready to welcome her. She then left, and I asked for some time to see if contractions started on their own. After an hour, the contractions did not start, and so the nurse came in and started the minimum dose of pitocin. I was then left for 2 hours, after which the nurse consulted with Dr. Rasmussen, and it was decided that we would start increasing the pitocin until I was "uncomfortable." I was happy about this because I was ready to get to the real "meat and potatoes" of labor, as I referred to it. I stayed in complete control of my body and relaxed by way of vocal toning and meditation. Mark stayed by my side, well so-to-speak, and rubbed my back and played with my hair in just the right way for almost the entire time. My sister gave me a great massage at just the right point in time, and after a great suggestion by my doula, I even had some jell-o! The entire morning and into the early afternoon were fantastic and filled with smiles and joy as we listened to Jason Mraz guide us through this labor.
The late afternoon is when things started sliding downhill, and the contractions started to become very painful to the point where I could hardly breathe through them, let alone actually take a deep breath in order to fill my body with the oxygen needed to get through the next one. Everyone around me kept telling me I needed to breathe, and I physically could not. I started to cry and actually scream through some of the contractions...I told Mark that I needed a break and that we needed to stop the pitocin in order to give me a chance to get the necessary oxygen my body needed to keep going and to finish the labor. We consulted with the nurse about this, and she agreed to call Dr. Rasmussen and ask her what we could do.
Meanwhile, I kept crying and feeling more pain than I could possibly imagine. I cried to Mark and told him that I felt like a failure because I was *thinking* about an epidural, which was not even considered in our birth plan. I am deathly afraid of anesthesia and needles and know in my heart that it is not a good choice for either me or the baby. However, I just did not think my body could continue in its weak state without some kind of relief from this intense and horrifying pain. The nurse returned with the proposition of a compromise: rather than turning the pitocin up 2 every 20 minutes, we would turn it down 1 every 20 minutes. We would continue this as long as my contractions stayed strong and consistent. I agreed to this compromise because I was confident that my body could labor on its own without the pitocin now that we were so far into my labor. The contractions continued to be very painful and very intense, still to the point of my having trouble breathing.
Dr. Rasmussen would return at 5:30pm to check on my progress. At 5:20pm, I told Mark that I could not do it any longer, that my body was to weak to continue and that the only way I could finish would be with an epidural, my absolute worst nightmare. Susan (my doula) looked at me and said, "just one more contraction, Sabrina. You can do this. Chelsey (Dr. Rasmussen) will be here after that. Just one more." So just one more is what I agreed to, and I told Mark that if I was not fully dilated when Dr. Rasmussen came to check on me that I would absolutely HAVE to have an epidural. The tears continued to stream down my face as I sat on the birth ball, and I felt defeated. However, as 5:30 came and went and Dr. Rasmussen came in at 5:35pm, I rose off the ball and into the bed to have my cervix checked and a wave came over me. It was time to push! I suppose I did not need an epidural after all, and my child was ready to enter the world!
She checked me at 5:40pm, and I was fully dilated and ready to push. I pushed for only 9 minutes before our beautiful daughter entered this world at 5:49pm on December 23, 2010. Mark shouted, "It's a girl, babe!" in the most excited tone that one could possibly imagine, and I said, "really?!" He said yes, that it was indeed a girl, and I said, "Her name is Genevieve Rose" with tears in my eyes for so many reasons, but mainly joyous tears because she was finally here.
After things settled down a bit, our nurse returned to our room and took a post-it note off of the machine my IV was attached to and said, "See? We were turning the pitocin up the entire time. It was just a 'mind over matter thing.' I knew you didn't really need a break." At that point, my heart began breaking into pieces. Not only had I endured the most pain I could never imagine in my life, but I was lied to by medical personnel, the very people who I trusted most to make this experience as best as possible given the circumstances. I didn't even have words to express how betrayed I felt. That said, I decided to put those feelings aside momentarily and enjoy those first moments with my new daughter and husband.
We left the hospital on Christmas Eve, just 24 hours after having Genevieve and returned home to spend Christmas Day as a family of 4, instead of a family of 3.
I took a lot of anger with me as we left, and I just didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't understand why I was lied to, especially by a medical professional, and I didn't understand why they could not honor my request when the baby was not in danger, and I physically could not breathe because the contractions were so intensely painful. I felt that Genevieve's birth was scarred because of the pain I endured so unnecessarily...
A few days later, I was still crying a lot when I thought about the labor, and I was taking my anger out on Mark. I just couldn't help it...I was still in a lot of pain down below where I tore, and so I called my doctor to ask for a refill on my pain medication because I was still taking it every four hours like clockwork. After 3 and a half hours, I would start to feel a pinching pain where my stitches were with every move I made. Dr. Rasmussen said she could not imagine why I was feeling so much pain and reluctantly agreed to call in 10 more pain pills for me and requested that I come in the next day to get checked out. On that day, I also spoke to the nurse and poured my heart out about how I felt about my labor and that I felt betrayed by the medical team and was having a very difficult time getting past what happened. Mark expressed concern to her about post-partum depression, as did I, since depression runs in my family.
I got out of the shower on that evening and was patting myself dry when I started gushing blood...Mark was very worried and told me to call Dr. Rasmussen. She suggested that I go to the ER, and so that's what we did. They checked out the stitches and found they were still in tact but still wanted me to follow up with Dr. Rasmussen the following day. The consensus is that my skin may have torn around one of the stitches.
The next day was my birthday, and I did not want to deal with such negativity on my birthday, but a good friend told me that I needed to in order to be able to move forward from what happened. I would need to confront my doctor and ask her why I was lied to and why they could not honor my request to stop the pitocin even temporarily. The appointment did not go well at all. Dr. Rasmussen visually checked my stitches and said that everything looked great and was healing properly. She said she still did not understand why I was feeling so much pain being that it was a "minor repair" and that no infection was present. She pulled the sheet over me and rolled her chair to my side. It was then that I started to break down...I told her that combined with the pain and how betrayed I felt about the pitocin lie that I was very concerned about post-partum depression. She practically ignored my comment and went into a defense about the fact that once pitocin is started, it is not stopped and will continue to increase until the baby comes. She told me she felt she does a great job of educating her patients on what to expect and that she had done so with me as well. She had told me that it would take longer to deliver Genevieve because she was considerably larger than Hayden was, that I should expect both a longer labor AND a longer pushing stage. She then backtracked that statement by saying that 2nd babies generally come by 3 or 4 in the afternoon with an induction and that almost 6pm WAS later. She then told me that our labor nurse had told HER that she was VERY UNCOMFORTABLE lying to me about how much pitocin I was being given and that I needed to take up that concern with Mark, as the nurse had told Dr. Rasmussen that it was MARK who came up with this idea to lie to me. I just smiled big (almost laughed) and told her that I would not debate it with her and that it was not worth it to me.
We went back to talking about the fact that I was still having pain, and she said she wanted to "check one more thing" before I left, and she pulled the sheet back and began PUSHING on my stitches asking if one hurt more than another. I started to cry as she pushed on the first one and screamed in pain. She pushed on the second one, which I did not feel any pain. She went back to the first stitch several times, making me cry out in pain each time before she offered to "snip" the first stitch. The stitch was too tight, which is why I was/am in so much pain. She said that I might be "more comfortable" if she did that, but that I would not heal anatomically correct if she did so...I told her that is not what I wanted and that I would be fine as long as she allowed me more pain medication. She wrote the script, and I left her office with more clarity than I could have imagined.
After my confrontation with her, I decided that I knew where to place my anger and that I could put it in a box on a shelf and leave it there. I will NOT go back to her for my post-partum visit, as I feel I cannot trust her.
I am choosing now to let go of the trauma and to move forward with the memories from the early part of my labor when things were calm and peaceful and joyous. I love my daughter, and I feel truly blessed that she is happy and healthy.

Photoshop For Life

So one of my good friends is learning Photoshop. It's a great thing, you know? She took a photo of her kids on their sofa and made it look brand new. This is FANTASTIC! She said she could do the same for me, which I think is great since there are milk stains all over it...among other things.

At any rate, this really got me thinking. I thought, you know, that would be GREAT if you could photoshop my sofa in real life. I mean, it's great that you can do that in a picture and everything, but this stain remover crap just isn't cutting it, and neither is my steamvac. What we really need is Photoshop for Life.

For example, there are all kinds of things that we wish we could go back and "edit," if you will. Let's take my first marriage! I would absolutely LOVE to just photoshop my ex husband right out of my life and insert my amazing husband in his place. This way I wouldn't feel like our AWESOME Vegas wedding at Mandalay Bay wasn't such a waste.

OOoh, and for the birth of my daughter, if I could just go back and photoshop that one crazy family member right out, that would be fantastic also. I would replace her with my sister, who I know wanted to be there desperately. This way I don't have to explain anything when we're remembering those very special moments. AND there wouldn't BE any photos that needed "shopping."

Also my high school graduation...I know that my dad and I weren't on good terms and that I told him not to come, BUT I know he really wanted to be there, so I'd photoshop him back in there. And while we're there, I might as well photoshop my sleaze of an ex boyfriend who flew up from Arizona to be there right OUT. So that's a good swap, right? Dad for the ex boyfriend?

And on smaller, less important things, I'd probably photoshop all of my baking attempts OUT of my life and replace them with excellent meals that I've cooked instead. Either that or those no-bake desserts that come in a box. Maybe brownies because I can usually get those right.

At any rate, I'm wondering if anyone else out there feels that Photoshop for Life would be a great product...If so, please contact me so we can get started on a patent.

Til next time...

Prenatal Visit 11/11 +More Stuff

Okay, folks! Here's the update! What a whacko day it was yesterday...but anyway. The ultrasound is showing *mystery sex* baby to be about 5 lbs 10 oz at the present moment, body measuring about 34 weeks (as I predict is the case), with the head measuring about 36 or 37 weeks. So, the baby still has a big head...no surprise there! My fluid level has actually gone down a smidge, which means no need for maternal/fetal. Can you say "awesome"?! Dodged a bullet there for sure. Doc would like me to do the 1 hour glucose screen to be "thorough" regarding GD, but after talking to hubby about it, we're not going for it. My fasting blood sugar was PERFECT, according to doc. Not to mention that the baby is measuring right on target as far as size, except for the head being on the big side, and my fluid level went down. Keep in mind the 1 hour glucose screen is only 30-50% accurate, and we pay out of pocket for it, and well, I think people might understand why we're opting not to do it. My blood pressure is still perfect, but that is no surprise. I'm just waiting for that big humungo jump @ around 37-38 weeks...so we'll see if better nutrition pays off or not. Also, I am still measuring big, now measuring "term," which is "why you feel so miserable, and why people are being rude out in public," according to Doc. Ha!

Never fails that we went to Olive Garden for dinner after the marathon appointment (there is a MAJOR reason why I used to schedule the first a.m. appointments), and some old Italian bat came up to our table, while we were eating no less, and told me I look like I'm about to go any day now. When I replied with, "actually, I have about 6 weeks left," she assumed that I must be having twins. At that point, I shovelled a bunch of salad in my mouth, gave my hubby a dirty look and let him finish up with her before I got nasty.

What else happened yesterday? Well, let me see, the woman-who-shall-remain-nameless (WWSRN) reared her ugly head again. I've now banned her from coming down anytime around the birth of Baby #2. We have apparently now been brushed aside for a baby shower for her husband's nephew's wife...Interesting.

Oh, and after zero contact with a "friend" of mine for nearly a month, and after she previously blew off my girls' night just hours before it started, I received a text asking for a hook-up--the number of a friend of mine who fixes computers. Say whaaaaa?! No response to my concerns regarding the girls' night incident, and a late night (okay not like LATE late, but 9pm) text asking for a favor? I laughed about it and just wondered exactly what the right thing to do was...so I am ignoring it for the moment. I must say though, ballsy move!

And going back to the Olive Garden for a moment, I must say that we had a ridiculously awful experience! And I'd normally be the first to complain to a manager and get half off our meal, but I didn't. I'll be regretting that one for sure, especially since it wasn't a cheap meal. Anyway, I always thought that in order to work there as a server, you had to have stellar experience in the service industry. Apparently I am absolutely WRONG in that, or else they've completely lowered their standards. It started off with some random Hispanic guy coming to our table, telling us that James would be our server and asking us, "would you like to try this wine?" Ummmmmmmm, what is this wine??? So we declined, and he immediately departed our table. A couple minutes later, "James" came to our table and said that he understands that so-and-so started us off with drinks, to which I quickly replied, "no one has gotten us drinks." He looked really confused, looked around, and said, "Okay, well, what can I get for you guys then?" After that, he NEVER REFILLED OUR DRINKS! I don't even think he looked at them, to be honest. We asked for a 2nd round of salad, which he brought out with our meal? He didn't check back with us until halfway through our main dishes, and then we had to steal a dessert menu from another table! He didn't ask us if we'd like a cappuccino with dessert, let alone a refill on the empty cokes on the table. He didn't pre-bus at all, and our table was scattered with dishes the entire time. UGH. It was bad enough that my hubby said he wouldn't have tipped AT ALL, and we were both servers. I tipped 10%. And I put our empty glasses on top of the folder with the check in it. Wowza. So if you go to the Olive Garden at Castleton anytime in the near future, just make sure that JAMES is not servicing your table, or you might be sorely disappointed with your experience.

I think that's about it for my weirdo day yesterday...Man, was I ever glad to shut my eyes and get that one over with! Here's to a much better (and less weird) day today!

Til next time...

No More Checks...No More Bills?

So I got to thinking this morning when I pulled out the check book to pay bills, and we only had one check left. What did I think exactly? Well, a few things:
1. Shit! I totally forgot to order checks when I said we needed to, like a month ago.
2. Who gets paid? I mean, we've only got ONE check, so I guess I really need to prioritize who gets it!
3. If I have no more checks, is that not the BEST excuse in the world NOT to pay bills?

I mean, let's say the power company calls. Or sends me some beautiful pink notice in the mail. Either way, I converse with them and just say, "look, I totally understand that we need to pay this bill, but the thing is, you guys don't have that lovely little space on the payment coupon for me to input my credit card information, and I'm out of checks!" I mean, what will they say back exactly? Oh wait, here it is: "That is truly unfortunate, Mrs. S. However, since you are using our services, you are required to pay for them each month. I realize that we practically live in the dark ages of technology over here at IPL, but I can happily transfer you to our phone payment courtesy line. There is just a $10 (or whatever the charge is) convenience fee for making a payment this way."

Okay, hold up just ONE minute. What is so "convenient" about IPL charging me extra to pay my bill?? That doesn't seem very convenient at all. Shouldn't it be called an INconvenience fee? I mean, its obviously inconvenient for me to pay it, and it is also apparently inconvenient for them to take a payment via phone, or heaven forbid they move out of the dark ages and offer online payments! Come on, utility companies!

So yes, the war for the last check has begun. Almost everyone has some form of alternative payment system, everyone but my vehicle finance company and IPL. So maybe everyone could cross their fingers that the checks I finally ordered this morning come in before my next car payment is due? Thanks, I'd appreciate it...and I'm pretty sure the finance company would as well. I wouldn't want them to be inconvenienced by my lack of checks.

Til next time...

*Almost* Tragic...

So, I pretty much hate doctors, no offense to any of my doctor friends. It's totally not your fault. I just have terrible luck when it comes to them. I can never be 100% normal, no questions asked. There has to be some question as to whether or not I'm normal. I'm always bordering normal and tragedy it seems.

Let's take this pregnancy, for instance. In the beginning, my blood test results came back, and they showed that my progesterone was low. Now, it wasn't tragically low, but it was low enough for my loving OB to put me on some wacky ass medication for it that completely jacked my system and made me feel drunk all the time. It was low enough to make my hubby and I worry that maybe this wasn't "it" and that we could lose the baby. So, after realizing that this medication was not going to be workable in our lives, we had resigned ourselves to the thought that this, indeed, may not be the time, and I called my doctor to let her know what was going on with the medication and that I just couldn't take it any longer. She had me come in to be retested, and BOOM. Magically, at that point, my levels were totally normal. Great!

Fast forward a couple days, and I'm having an asthma attack while on VACATION in Chicago...My rescue inhaler was doing nothing for me, and I had to ride that one out until I got back home. Then, I had to start taking a ridiculously expensive medication for asthma (which, thankfully, worked!) after having zero symptoms since high school. At the same time, I'm puking my pregnant guts out more times than I can count in a day...So I started Zofran for that...until I was NINETEEN weeks pregnant. Now, please allow me to point out that I don't view my asthmatic episodes or my morning sickness (I use the term lightly) as tragic at all. That's just icing on my almost tragic cake.

Now let's talk about yesterday. Yesterday I went for what was supposed to be a normal bi-weekly OB appointment, which turned out to be insane. I woke up late and had to rush out the door with enough time to brush my teeth, pee, throw on an outfit that didn't match, put on a hat, and grab an apple streudel. Forget the coffee, this was serious. So I roll into the parking lot and have to park a friggin mile away and magically make it to the office at exactly 8:45. Now for the "oopsies." Well, I weighed in (don't even ask) and realized I didn't have to pee since I already had 20 minutes ago at home! So fine, sometimes this happens. I just told the nurse I'd go at some point before leaving, which generally is no big deal. WELL, not today, folks! My bp was 144/70, so my OB wanted a sample to check for protein before seeing me. UGH. Fine. So I squeezed out what I could, set the cup on the edge of the sink, and knocked it in. Are you effing kidding me right now?! I could've cried. I called my hubby to calm me down, and he assured me that everything would be okay...well, sure it would, AFTER I drank a liter and a half of water and was able to produce said sample, which I did (who knows how many minutes later). And everything was perfectly fine. Apparently, rushing around in the morning and walking a mile isn't something an 8 months pregnant chick should do. Now, onto the measuring! I measured 35, and I am supposedly (according to my doctor) 31 weeks pregnant. According to me, I'm 32+, but apparently I don't count. Either way, that's still a big measurement, so she ordered an ultrasound to see what's going on in there. I went back yesterday afternoon for this ultrasound and got a call early in the evening from my doctor. Apparently I have an almost too high level of amniotic fluid, combined with a baby with a huge head. Going back to the amniotic fluid, my level is 24, and over 25 is too high. Who knew?! I had no idea that there was such a thing as too much amniotic fluid. I also had no idea that this could cause problems for me or baby! So now I get to play the waiting game for another couple of weeks before checking on the fluid level again...See? Almost tragic. It's not the end of the world, but it could be a big problem. If my fluid level goes above 25, she'll need to refer me to maternal fetal medicine, which would totally suck. I want my OB, not some stranger I don't know.

So I have my next ultrasound scheduled for November 11th...Let's hope all is well and that this was just another bump on my almost tragic road.

Til Next time...

Tryin' It On...

So we chose the names, one for if this baby is a girl and one if the baby is a boy. We were completely prepared...and THEN, I woke up one day and realized they weren't perfect. I equate this to trying on wedding gowns. It's the only thing that can even come close to naming your child. When you're trying on dresses, you just know. And this is 100% true. When you try on the gown that you want to look at yourself in photos in for the rest of your life, you just know it's right. It sounds lame, but whatever. So when you are choosing a name for your legacy, that is your child, it has to work the same way, right? I mean, sure, I come across names and think, "oh, that's cute..." But then there is just that one name that you just can't get out of your head, the one that you and your hubby look at each other and smile and say, "yep, that's the one!" So then what happens if you have that feeling that a name is "the one," and your hubby doesn't feel the same way? What do you do then? Do you go back to the list of "cutes" and just choose one on which you can both agree?

Well, for me, I had one name in mind for a girl that I just couldn't let go of, no matter how hard I tried. I honestly liked the name we had chosen, and so I was okay with it, but I just kept going back to the wedding dress theory. I'm going to call my child this name for the rest of forever. So I told my very patient and loving hubby that I wanted to think about different names...and he told me to let him know when I'd made a decision...He laughed about it, saying that he doesn't understand why I can't just stick with one and be done. And this comment totally got me thinking.

You see, it's totally different for guys. Girls are mean and judgmental, and if a girl has the wrong name, she's a stripper, or a librarian, or a nerd or what.ever. If a guy has the wrong name, well, nobody seems to care! And I mean, is there such a thing as the wrong name for a guy? I'm not even sure there is. So whatever the case, I told my dear husband that as long as I could choose the name if we have a girl, he can choose the name for a boy. And I honestly don't care if he chooses Captain, Buddy, Jeep, or whatever. It doesn't matter to me. And I am pretty excited now because this forces some major involvement on his part! So now, he gets to do some thinking and decision-making! Yipee! Victory for Mama!

Til Next time...

~*Mommy Magic*~

So it's already started off to be a great day. It's funny how life happens in waves like that, isn't it? Some days you are just aching for something exciting or interesting to happen, and then there are those moments of negativity that seem never-ending. Well, this morning, when I was jolted awake at 4:30 by my daughter's coughing fits, it became a positive moment that I never wanted to end.

You see, these moments with her are so very rare, that I really didn't care that it was 4:30 a.m. and that I was surely not getting back to sleep. I quietly told my husband (who was sleeping on the sofa himself so as not to disturb my sleep with HIS coughing fits) that I was going to go lay with her and asked him to get her some water. He obliged, of course, being the amazing man that he is, while I went and snuggled up next to my little one.

She was shivering when I walked in, despite being completely snuggled up in her blankets and plenty warm to the touch. As soon as I laid down with her, she immediately stopped shaking and deeply sighed. I could've cried right then (if I was a crier), but instead I just kissed the back of her head and put my arms around her. My husband came in shortly after with a drink for her, which she sipped on for a bit and then gave back to me. I set it down, and we snuggled back up in bed...She didn't cough from then on. She breathed deeply, though a little congested, and was completely content with my being next to her.

These are the moments we live for as parents. Well, at least that's what I believe. It's those small moments in time that we wish we could hold onto forever, you know? It's moments like these that I see the magic in life, the Mommy Magic- how somehow when Mommy kisses that boo-boo, it's all better, no matter how much it was hurting just moments before she kissed it. I think, as adults, we get so wrapped up in logic and how things work that sometimes we need these moments to make us realize that magic does exist.

So thank you to my beautiful daughter for giving me that gift this morning, even if it was before the rooster crows. Thanks for showing me what's really important in life and that I am just as magical as I've always thought my mommy was...

Til next time...

How Much for Women's Intuition?

Some might say it's a myth, but I am a firm believer in this super power. I was speaking to a friend of mine today and explaining to her about a situation I've been upset about regarding a certain woman in my life. Said woman shall remain nameless, however, but suffice it to say that she SHOULD be a big part of our family's lives. At any rate, she has been quite detached. I have told my husband from DAY 1 that she just doesn't like me. Does she have good reasoning? Who knows...She might think I'm the one who turned him away from the Church. She might be unhappy that we were pregnant before we were married (Lord, strike me down immediately!). It may have something to do with the fact that we didn't baptize our kid "just in case" we're wrong in our belief system. She might be pissed that I'm a better cook than she is. Hell, she could even have no reason at all. I. Don't. Know. Nor is it relevant. The point is that I've had that tingly feeling down to my bare bones from the moment that I met her that she had it in for me.

My husband says that I'm wrong and that this woman has told him on multiple occasions that she has no beef with me and that she, in fact, "likes" me. Well, let me think for a moment. She's pretty close to my husband, so why on Earth would she say to him, "you know, since you asked, I think she's a horrible bitch. I hope she wraps her imported vehicle around a telephone pole the next time she leaves the house"? She'd rather play the innocent card, making me out to be the paranoid housewife. It's much easier to place the blame on someone else, rather than take responsibility for your own feelings, isn't it? I mean, I just look like a crazy person, making ridiculous accusations, meanwhile she's got that twisted smile on her face, holding the fresh-baked poisoned cookies she's hoping to shove down my throat.

And all the while, she plays my husband like a damn fiddle, getting everything she wants. It's pretty disgusting, actually. She is SO good at the whole manipulation game that he doesn't even REALIZE he's taking her side and defending her to me. If I didn't absolutely loathe her with every fiber of my being, I'd want to BE her. The best part is that by manipulating my husband, she manipulates ME in the process. See, because I obviously don't want him to be sad or unhappy, so I give in to what he wants, which is actually what SHE wants. UGH.

So I guess all I'm saying in all of this is that I have known for YEARS that this woman doesn't like me. I also know that if she wants to be involved with our family, she has no choice but to put up with me. And I don't need any pudding to prove me right. I've got woman's intuition...which, by the way, is NOT for sale. Any woman out there willing to put a price on yours? Yeah, didn't think so...

Til next time...

I've Got Lysol in My Holster...It's All Good

So as I sit here sipping my afternoon tea, I am yet again entertained by the moms of Indy. I love it when people have nothing better to do than complain. It's fantastic for my writing! So let me give you a quick run-down:
Mom A complains that her child keeps coming home with minor afflictions ever since being enrolled in preschool. Prior to this term, he has been at home with her and did not attend any type of childcare. She states that she believes parents should be respectful by keeping their sick children at home. (I will tell you MY opinion on this later) Differing opinions ensue, as you can imagine. THEN, Mom A comments that she has come up with a solution and has given her child a can of Lysol to bring with him to school and has instructed him to spray anyone who gets too close.
Here comes the party, folks! Moms get royally OUTRAGED at the fact that this mom could say such a thing. They lecture on about how dangerous Lysol is, from inhalation to skin reactions and actually went so far as to ask if Mom A has read the warning label on the can. One mom warned that if he used this "Lysol tactic" that he could be permanently expelled for assault. Yet another mom mentioned Poison Control...

And now for what you've all been waiting for...MY OPINION!!!

First of all, are you EFFING kidding me right now?! If we kept our kids (and ourselves for that matter) home for every sniffle, runny nose and cough, we would be friggin BEARS and hibernate all winter. This is an absolutely ludicrous idea. How the hell am I supposed to get groceries? What.ever. Give me a break. So if I'm evil for sending my kid to preschool with the sniffles, call me the Devil. I don't have kids that age, but believe me, when I do, I'm sending them to school. What are we teaching our children if we don't? We're teaching them that if they're stuffy or runny-nosed or just not feeling 100%, they can stay home. Fast forward several years, and you've got yourself a loser adult/child living at home with YOU with no job. Not only that, but we're often contagious before showing symptoms of something, so now what? My advice is to beef up your kids' immune systems during the fall/winter months, rather than expecting everyone to be the "responsible, respectful" parents. Do what YOU can because the rest is out of your control. And I have found that it's just not worth getting upset about things that are outside that realm.

Secondly, I canNOT believe how seriously some of these women take themselves! I mean, really, you think Mom A REALLY gave her kid a can of Lysol and said "go to town, Baby!" Doubtful. It's called sarcasm, humor, making light of an intense discussion. I honestly laughed out loud at the thought of a kid pulling a can of Lysol out of his holster and saying, "back off, buddy! I see that germ-infested snot hanging from your nostril, and I don't want none of that!" Loosen your ponytails, ladies. It's called a damn JOKE.

Til next time...

More Than 24

So, I've been MIA for the past several days, or so it seems. Generally, I just need more than 24 hours in the day. I would draft an email to God asking for just a couple more hours, but that would be pointless. Although, I read on a church sign in Fishers that "God answers knee mails." Maybe I should try that...I have a feeling that less sleep and more coffee will be a hell of a lot more productive, though. I guess I just need to learn to optimize the 24 that I have been given.

So for those who are wondering, I had a ladies' night at my home on Friday. I was surprised by several things with regard to this venture. For one, I have a LOT of friends! When the hell did that happen, and how did I not notice this? And for the amount of friends that I have, why aren't they ALL following my blog? Hmmm, guilt trips will ensue following this entry. Anyway, there were 10 of us, half a case of Mallow Run Wine (THANK YOU, KAT!),  and about 50 lbs of sugar divided amongst treats which included M&Ms, caramel apple Hershey kisses, Cupcakes (THANKS, ELESE!), apple crisp, turtle pumpkin cheese ball, chocolate-dipped Oreos, chocolate-covered popcorn, & of course the gourmet caramel apples that we all made. I mean does it get any better? Wine, women & chocolate...I'm pretty sure that we all had a GREAT time; at least I know I did. Due to the success of this ladies' night, I definitely plan to do another one, though I'm not exactly sure when, considering I'm having a baby in like 8 or 9 weeks...

I've lived here for nearly 4 years now, and I've never felt more at home anywhere. It is such an amazing feeling, especially when I think back to the first weekend trip I made here for my birthday in 2006. Upon reflection, I see how far I have come from the broken-hearted-yet-determined-to-find-happiness person of yesteryear to the Goddess I am today. I'm proud of myself. I went from having next to nothing to having everything and more that I could ever ask for in life. It has been an amazing journey, and I honestly can't wait to see what life has in store for me in the future.

Wow, this isn't all over the place at ALL! Anyway, 'til next time...

So Mad I Could [CLEAN]

So, as you may or may not know, my husband is the sole breadwinner in our home. This is sometimes really AWESOME and other times, it drives me insane. Why? Well, I've spent most of my adult life working to support myself and or my partner. When that gets taken away, it creates a monster. That monster is the Domestic Goddess--you know, the mom/wife who cooks, cleans, budgets, shops, and generally keeps the family organized. On most days, this is a great balance. On other days, I like to call those days "end of pay period" days, it can become problematic. It's problematic when my husband, who basically works on commission, doesn't have a great week at work. This means that we're on a tighter than usual budget, and there's literally NOTHING I can do about it. It used to be that if we were short, I'd go in and work an extra shift at the bar or snag a babysitting job to make up the difference. Now, I just get to sit and stew about it and try to figure out how to get even more creative with the finances...

Well, I suppose you can imagine by now that today was an "end of pay period" day...a crappy one. Well, thankfully, it didn't end too crappy. Although I'm pretty sure that had to do with some creativity on my part and some gentle "coaching" of my loving husband. Okay, so maybe the coaching wasn't so gentle...but hey, a Goddess has to do what a Goddess has to do, and sometimes the measures are extreme. I hate to say it, but it works.

Funny thing is, when I get mad, I clean. I don't know about anyone else, but when I am mad, I am more productive than EVER! Maybe this was a strategy on my husband's part now that I think of it...Hmmmm, well if it was, it worked. I cleaned like a mad woman! I'm talking washing cabinets, walls, dusting, vacuuming (including furniture), picking up a plethora of toys, even windows! Then, later in the afternoon, when I was already completely over the whole argument and chatting up the neighbors about it, I thought aloud..."Now, I wonder who really benefited from this whole deal?" Seriously! I get mad, and my husband gets a clean house?!

So today I must say that I feel accomplished. My husband was able to get his act together and pull off a good paycheck, AND my house is clean. I'd say that this "end of pay period" day was a pretty damn good one!

Choked Up @ The Pediatrician's Office...

So I cried at the new pediatrician's office, big deal! Blame it on the hormones. All I know is that I won't have to dread the next check-up, and I have a place to call if my kid sticks a cheeto up her nose. They were tears of relief, more than anything.

It's a battle I shouldn't have had to fight in the first place. We decided to switch pediatricians due to conflict of interest. Our old ped firmly believed in vaccines and no processed foods. She also believed in no t.v. time until after 2, separating dogs from kids at all times, no co-sleeping, and I'm pretty sure no "anything fun."

Why did I choose her in the first place?? I don't even know anymore. I was blinded by visions of being the "perfect mom," I suppose. You know, the mom who breastfeeds for 2 years, only prepares raw, organic foods, never turns on the television, plays Mozart all day, while cleaning and reading to the baby. Huh, it's amazing what a nice big dose of reality will do!

Well, I guess it's really the vaccines that hit closest to home. I am a firm believer in the philosophy of what works for one person, doesn't necessarily work for another. As a parent, I respect each individual's right to choose what is best for her family. I don't expect everyone to make the same choices that I make. I just hope that they're educated and informed before making whatever decision they make.

See, I could live with lying about where and how my daughter sleeps at night. "Now, she sleeps in her own crib/bassinet on her back with no blankets or other objects, correct?" Sure, Doc. Absolutely. Meanwhile, my daughter actually slept with US for the first 3 months because she wouldn't sleep anywhere else. And if she DID sleep anywhere else, she definitely wasn't on her back..."Okay, and we're making sure to give her the vitamin every day, right?" Oh yeah, every day, same time...Yeah, RIGHT. I'm lucky I remember to EAT everyday, 3 times a day, but surely I can remember the vitamins. "Okay, very good. And we're not feeding her any processed foods, correct? No 'puffs' or Cheerios or Goldfish crackers, nothing that's empty calories." Exactly. Absolutely, only the very best for my little one. Note to self: next time leave the 'puffs' in the car, under the seat, just in case someone from the office staff looks in my car..."Okay, and just a reminder that juice is not a necessary part of her diet. It provides no nutritional value and is just a sugar overload. So we haven't given her any juice, correct?" Oh, no, absolutely not. No juice. She wouldn't know what it was if it stared her in the face...Meanwhile, back home, since we had to switch to formula due to my complete failure as a woman (milk dried up @ 6 months post-partum), we include pomegranate juice as a regular part of her diet so that the formula doesn't stop her up..."Finally, I want to make sure that you understand that watching television is damaging for children under the age of 2. So she isn't watching any Sponge Bob, right?" OH, NO, no Sponge Bob...It's Tinkerbell, lady. Get it right.

So after MONTHS of letting this incessant questioning go on, I finally opened up to a friend of mine about it. I told her how every single time I took my daughter for a check-up, I felt like a worse parent. Each time I had "failed" in one area or another, or more. And then when you throw in the whole vaccination thing on top of it, I was just exhausted. I told her it took me a week to recover from my daughter's check-ups. She laughed sweetly and said, "your doctor sounds insane to me."

I guess I just never thought about it. I mean, maybe not everyone leaves their child's pediatric office feeling like a complete failure. And WHY should I feel like a failure? My daughter is growing, and she's hitting all of her milestones. What's the harm in a few empty calories? And why can't *I* decide whether or not vaccinating is the right choice for my family? All I know is, after meeting with the new doctor today, I cried. I honestly can't say if it was pregnancy hormones or just the fact that someone finally respected ME. She actually gets that just because I don't have my MD doesn't mean I'm uneducated and unable to make good choices. So, cheers! Here's to a new pediatrician to whom I don't have to lie!

Til next time...

Life Isn't Fair...Who Says That?!

After my attention being drawn to a certain article in the Indy Star over the weekend, the response to it was a bit surprising to me. The article was about a young man who has risen above incredible challenges that none of us could ever imagine having nightmares of, and all he wants to do is play football for his senior year. The "problem" is that he is by all technicalities a 5th year senior, which makes him ineligible to play based on the IHSAA regulations. You HAVE to read this article to really wrap your mind around what I'm going to say next.

Meet the Chatard Football Player...

The response that surprises me most is that people have said that although they feel that the ruling is "unfair," they say "life isn't fair." Is that not the BIGGEST cop-out answer our parents ever gave us growing up? I feel like when someone says that, they're basically saying, "sucks to be you," followed by a quick shrug of the shoulders and a turned head. After that, they get back into their BMWs and drive off to their beautiful homes in the best neighborhoods in the city.

Does "life isn't fair" answer this young man's question as to why he's not allowed to play ball this year? Does it even BEGIN to acknowledge the hardship and extraordinary circumstances that surround his situation? This can be applied to so much more than this one situation. What if whenever a law ended up actually causing injustice to someone, our lawmakers simply answered their constituents with a letter that said, "life isn't fair"? How would people react? If this was your child or if some injustice was done to a loved one of yours, would you be satisfied with "life isn't fair"?

This article, to me, is a call to action. It's a cry for help. It's out there to let people know that rules aren't always right, and they don't apply to everyone. "Life isn't fair" isn't an answer; it's an excuse. I challenge you all not to answer anything with "life isn't fair." I challenge you, instead, to find a way to MAKE life fair. This way, even if you fail, at least you made an effort...

Til next time...

A [Pedicure] to Remember

The Pedicure BOWL

For those of you who missed my rant, here it is. I got the pedicure from Hillbilly Heaven back in May at an AVEDA SALON & SPA. Unbelievable. Start to finish and even to "fixing" it, it was horrific. I will keep everyone posted as to what happens next. Here is my letter to Reeda Todd.

To Whom It May Concern:

Yesterday I went to Reeda Todd Aveda Lifestyle Salon & Spa in Indianapolis, IN to get a 60 minute spa pedicure and a brow wax. My experience was quite a disappointment from start to finish. I was asked to come early to my appointment and arrived 15 minutes early. I was asked if I'd like something to drink and requested water, only to wait an additional 10 minutes for her to come back with it. No one touched my feet until 35 minutes after I arrived. My feet were placed in a bronze BOWL for my pedicure, not a foot spa which is common practice in any other spa I have been to. My "nail technician" was in fact a hair stylist who was not scheduled to do my pedicure but did so because someone was fired minutes before my arrival. This woman was incredibly unprofessional and talked about her personal life the entire time. When she painted my nails, I had to have my legs bent with my knees almost to my chest. This is not comfortable or relaxing. I left unsatisfied and stressed, rather than relaxed. I came home to look at my feet and saw nail polish all over my FEET, not just on my nails. The polish was bubbling and sloppy. I could not believe I had paid $50 for that kind of work.
I called the manager this morning, and she said to come in at 11 to fix it. I got there early to speak with her about the experience I had, hoping that she would find a way to make it up to me so as not to lose a customer. Rather, she cut me off and didn't let me finish what I had to say. She told me they would redo my pedicure, which I didn't have time or any reason for. I just wanted the polish fixed since I had to pay a babysitter to watch my daughter while I went to get this botch job fixed. She assured me they would "compensate" me "in some way" and then took off, never to be seen for the rest of my time there.
After Lucy repainted my nails, I was given a gift certificate for a 60 minute spa pedicure to make up for their mistake yesterday. To me, this is completely insufficient, being that the entire experience is FAR from what I have come to expect from Aveda. I had to hire and pay a babysitter and waste additional time to have something fixed that should have been done right the first time. I do NOT plan on returning to this salon unless something more is done to make up for such a ridiculously low quality experience in a place with such a high quality reputation. If I had been a secret shopper, this would be completely unsatisfactory and a complete failure. Please help me! I love the Aveda experience as I know it and feel that I was robbed of this. Thanks for anything you can do to make this better.

I sent the above email to Aveda customer service. I thought you should know that this situation was handled unsatisfactorily and unprofessionally. The first person who did my nails and brow wax was M******, and the manager who dealt with this problem was S****. Hopefully you can come up with a better solution than the one which has been offered to me. Thanks for taking the time to read this email and listen to my concerns.

Regrettably,
Domestic Goddess

*UPDATE* I got an email back from Aveda corporate 24 hours after I sent my email to them that there was nothing they could do but apologize and forward my complaint to the appropriate party for investigation. It was a bummer, but I totally understand that each salon is owned/operated independently...ahh, well. In addition to that, my letter to Reeda was completely IGNORED. I received no response from her or any of her staff with regard to this issue.

I'm posting this here so that anyone who is local to Indianapolis will hopefully choose ANY other salon/spa for their pedicure needs...and for that matter, anything else. The place is pretty low class, considering the level of service and professionalism expected from the Aveda name. Obviously, this is just one person's opinion, but hey, at least I have one!

Smokin' In The [Drive-Thru]?

Ahh, bitchy moms. I can't get enough of them! As a member of a forum that shall remain nameless, I have a daily source of entertainment in that of local moms who have nothing better to do with their days than complain about one thing or another. It's hilarious. So, as I was browsing today's local gossip, I came upon a thread entitled "Smoking in drive through." I clicked on it faster than I could even think, mainly because I love a good cat fight. I mean, who doesn't, if we're being honest??

So to briefly summarize, Mom is upset that some "extremely rude" smoker decided to light up while in the drive-thru. REALLY? If someone smoking in front of me is the worst part of my day, color me THRILLED. Do I find the smell offensive? Sure. However, there are lots of offensive smells out there: overly perfumed women, anyone with a bad case of BO, raw sewage, dead skunks (or any other road kill for that matter)...you get my drift.

Why are we beating up on the smokers anyway? They've had their right to smoke in public pretty much revoked at this point.  As of October 2009, according to the American Nonsmokers' Rights Foundation, 71% of the U.S. population lives under a ban on smoking in "workplaces, and/or restaurants, and/or bars, by either a state, commonwealth, or local law." That's a pretty sick number, right? And only 12 of the 50 states have no statewide ban on smoking. Not only that, but the taxes these people pay to buy their cancer sticks actually help fund some pretty integral government programs, like children's health care and education.

I don't know. I guess I'm less worried about what a stray puff of smoke from cigarette (or even 10) is going to do to my kid than I am about the carbon emissions created from the factory farming industry and the coal-burning power plants here in the United States. I just feel like we have bigger fish to fry than the smokers. To this woman, and those who agreed with her petty complaint, I say...ROLL UP YOUR DAMN WINDOW and shut your trap. I'm sure that smoker will be on the forums later this evening complaining about your kid who was screaming at the check-out because you wouldn't give him that processed chocolate bar.  

Pregnancy...A Pain in My [Belly]

Ughhhhhh....Ok, I KNOW I am supposed to be "glowing" right now. I KNOW that I am creating life, which is supposedly this beautiful process that all kinds of people wish they could do and can't. I know there have been bazillions of women who've gone through it before me and will after me. However, I don't like it. I'm not glowing at all...My skin is dry & cracking, my hormones are raging (sometimes), and I'm a virtual time bomb if my stomach is empty. I sometimes feel so guilty, and I am not trying to offend my unborn child or anything, but I walk around my house (okay WADDLE) and mutter aloud, "I hate being pregnant." My husband just laughs quietly, mostly to himself, which most of the time I find cute and end up cracking a smile myself, but last night I just got pissed and went to bed. He asked me what was wrong, and I replied, "I'm pregnant. I'm tired, I'm fat, I had to ROLL off the sofa, and there's nothing to eat in the house."
I can laugh about it this morning, but last night I was honestly hard core pissed. Thank GAWD I was able to pass out without much trouble after taking a Zantac (3rd for the day---I know I am only supposed to take 2), choke down a prenatal vitamin, drink some more water, oh and then pee for the 2nd time before I even fell asleep. I guess it's nice that I was able to fall asleep without much trouble though, honestly.
I can do literally nothing about the fact that for some reason my body thinks I have turned into a whale and needs to store every calorie I take in...I hate the women who gain 20-30 lbs their entire pregnancy. I have gained 30 and still have 14 weeks to go. With my first one, I gained 65 lbs. No, that's NOT a typo. I am normally a petite person with a decent figure, and now I can't even see to shave my legs.
I guess the point of this is that I don't want to be the only one. I LOVE my daughter, and I will absolutely love this baby just as much, but I would love it more if it didn't suck my life dry for 10 months before deciding to show his/her face. I think the worst part is all those women out there who just love being pregnant. For example, the Duggar family...I honestly want to KILL TLC for thinking that this show is a good idea. Who in their right mind has that many kids??? Her stomach has to look like a topographical map of Europe. I just wonder if there's a point when her husband says, "I love you, babe, but maybe we should stop?" Is she trying to break some record? HASN'T she already broken it???
I don't know...If I believed in God, I would say that he's up there laughing his ass off right now at me. "HAHAHA, look at her! She's HUGE! She's miserable! Hey, Jesus, can you pop some more popcorn?" I guess it's probably better that I don't believe, because if I did, I'd just be pissed at God. Instead I'll just hope the days pass quickly and that I don't explode before the baby comes...
Til next time...

Movin' On Up...Or At Least Over...

Hey Blog world! I am just writing a quick note to let everyone know that I have moved from IndyMojo to Blogger.com. SO, with that said, all of the previous posts you see are from winter of 2007 through 2009. These are not new! So I guess I had better get started on some new material! Enjoy!

[X]mas Worth Writing Home About

So I hope all you Mofo's had a FABULOUS holiday, whatever you celebrate. I must tell you that I had the most entertaining, wildly hilarious, most memorable and BEST Christmas yet! My family and I treked up to the North Country (also known as Chicagoland area) to spend the holiday with our family up there. It was my daughter's first Christmas, so that automatically made it special of course, but there were many more memorable, pee box (hehe Linz) moments than I ever thought possible over a 6 day period of time. My cheeks (the ones on my face, don't get dirty on me people) hurt from laughing so hard.

We drove up Tuesday evening after Mark got off work, and I think my BEST move EVER was to book a babysitter for travel day. I am always a complete BITCH on days we travel from the stress of getting us all organized and packed, plus taking care of the baby. SO, this time I decided to have our sitter come over at about noon so that I could focus on packing/organizing/last-minute shopping, while SHE took care of Hayden. I tell ya what, I think Mark thought for SURE I had taken 3 xanax or something because he could not believe I was as calm and collected as I was when we pulled out of the driveway...and the ENTIRE 5 hour ride in the car. Woohoo!

So Wednesday evening, I received the BEST Christmas gift I've ever gotten. My sister took me to the spa she works at (Weis-Morris) in Rockford for a facial and a pedicure. It was SOOOO relaxing and lovely! However, before that we went to a Tapas restaurant right next door called Five Forks Market.

Now, if any of you have ever had Tapas, you may have known what to expect. I, on the other hand, was completely stunned. My sister told me that this was basically a deal where you each order an "appetizer" and then share amongst each other. SUPER, right?! So, Mark ordered one, I ordered another, and then my sister ordered one. I ordered this butternut squash ravioli with seared scallops. Sounds fantastic, right?! Well, I think if I had eaten more than half of a scallop and 2 raviolis, it would have been! Seriously, folks, we shared THREE plates and Mark and I just looked at each other like, is that all???

So I ordered Jimmy John's while I was getting my pedicure...But hey, I tried something new, and I learned that if you want appetizers, go to Applebee's...or Chili's...or Friday's...well, you get the idea.

Another notable moment was Christmas morning. Santa had come...or my step-mom kept saying it was my dad. So I really couldn't tell ya who it was. But somebody came down the chimney and put candy in our stockings and gifts under the tree. Barb (my step-mom) kept mixing Santa and my dad up. I can see why, after all, my dad DID grow a snowy white beard this winter...Anyway, after Santa came, we decided it was time for Hayden to open up all her presents...over Skype with my mom and Grams in Arizona...

They were kind of in a rush so we had to help her along, and while I was helping her, I noticed my step-mom was opening up her presents as well. My dad had encouraged us all to open our gifts and said he would wait until the end to open his (which is actually tradition in our family for some reason), and so everyone just went for it...step-mom included. I was helping Hay and looking over at Barb thinking, gee, that present looks EXACTLY like the one my mom sent for ME...same wrapping paper, same shape box, everything. Well, I didn't think too much of that and continued with Hayden and trying to keep her from smashing the keyboard on the laptop while trying to get to her Grandmas on the screen...and then Barb opened the box to find a pair of jeans...in my size...And sheepishly she said... "Oops, I don't think this is mine..." Sorry Mom! Barb opened MY present!!!

So after all of the excitement with my mom and grandma, Mark and I exchanged gifts. He opened his gift from me, which was a pair of noise cancellation headphones...that he didn't ask for but DESPERATELY needed and he completely flipped out about it! I LOVE it when that happens, you know? You get the PERFECT gift for someone that they didn't even ask for. So then it was my turn, and he told my dad to make sure he had the video camera on because I was FOR SURE going to cry at the card he got me because it was so mushy...No such luck. I'm not a crier, folks. It's just not me. Soooo, after recording my non-reaction to the card, dad turned off the camera just in time for me to open my gift from Mark...the UGLIEST pair of "slippers" I'd ever seen. O. M. G. I didn't know what else to do but laugh...and so Mark felt terrible and decided he had ruined Christmas. I told him that it wasn't true at all and that he had given me something to write about! Although I did ask him what on EARTH posessed him to buy them, to which he replied, "your sister told me you'd like them." Note to Mark, my sister and I have VERY different styles and she has NO clue what I like. HA.

So all-in-all, it was a great trip. Those are just a couple of highlights from my very memorable holiday. I hope all of you shared as many laughs as we did. And I hope you shared just as many Captain & Coke's as we did as well. ;)

Til next time...

Dear Victoria...

Dear Victoria,

It's not a secret anymore. You suck. Big time. Your store has gone from being my ONLY go-to place for everything under my clothes (and sometimes even just clothes) to my most despised store in the mall. Your inadequecies are multiplying like the H1N1 virus, and it's quite disturbing.

Your employees have no friggin clue how to measure someone for a bra. I was measured by 2 different people who both measured me completely differently. Are these people really trained? Come on, let's be honest. They've got about as much expertise as the Walmart lingerie department employees.

I actually went into your store TWICE in 2 days, hoping I'd have better results when I came with my husband...not so much. The first time I couldn't even find anyone who worked in the store who could help me find what I wanted. The second time, there was plenty of staff...and they were all equally rude. In fact, one woman who was coming back from a break would NOT step aside and let me (CUSTOMER) by with my stroller!

I tried on well over 15 bras, and none of them fit. I tried on everything from a 36C to a 38D and everything in between...3 bra boxes, ladies (for those of you who know what I'm talking about)...and none of them fit properly. Whatever Victoria's Secret to finding a properly fitting bra is, she's NOT telling me.

So, Victoria, it seems our affair is done. I now shop Macy's for all of my underthings, and thanks to Calvin Klein, my boobs are much happier anyway ;)

French Fry Freak-out

Okay, parents. I'm THAT mom. You know, I'm the one who only lets her kid have organic foods, nothing with added sugars or sodium, nothing processed...well, you get the idea. So, my dad came in for Thanksgiving, and we went shopping on Black Friday...and that's when he teamed up with my 8 month-old, and together they broke down my defenses...and I lost the battle to the KING of fried foods...

So my dad, step-mom and I all ventured out with my daughter (8 months at the time) for an afternoon of shopping. The shopping was great, besides my dad making me spend like TWO HOURS in Dick's in the hunting section. I mean, seriously, how many camo coats/vests/over-alls ARE there??? However, that's not the interesting part of our Black Friday adventure.

Before we got our shopping on, we decided to have a nice lunch at Houlihan's at Castleton Square. This place was SUPER fantastic in the service department and really dealt well with the challenge of a super-picky new mom with a GINORMOUS stroller. As all moms do, I came prepared with toys, high chair cover, and a bottle. What I wasn't prepared for was my daughter's distinct rejection of the bottle in favor of some other form of nutrition. Me being who I am, I ALWAYS have to forget something, so this time I had forgotten to pack the "puffs" in the diaper bag. This meant I had NO solid food for her to snack on and play with...and when my dad suggested...FRENCH FRIEs.

O
M
G

FRENCH FRIES?!?! Well, the screaming ensued...and so I gave in...and it was love at first fry :( So, this is when I learned a very important lesson: LIGHTEN UP! That, and sometimes you just have to improvise. She was definitely ready for "people food," and I just didn't know it because I hadn't been adventurous enough. Since then, we've tried a variety of table foods, which she enjoys much more than anything I can give her in a jar. She's FAR too independent and impatient to allow me to feed her from the jar anyway. So thanks, Dad, for making me realize that a french fry never killed anybody...And now Hayden gets a few french fries anytime we go out to eat :)

There's No "I" in Team: Grey's Episode Mirrors Real Life

As a person who has TWO friends suffering from some form of kidney disease, I found this story awe-inspiring and FANTASTIC.

Last year, Grey's Anatomy's Dr. Miranda Bailey pulled out all the surgery stops and lined up a "domino surgery" for 12 patients who all needed kidneys. Each had agreed to donate a kidney to a friend or relative, but the problem was that they didn't match. So, through this domino surgery, each patient was matched with a donor.

Although the real-life version of this didn't take place in one hospital OR in one day, it's still quite amazing. It involved 2 hospitals, Georgetown University Hospital and Washington Hospital Center, mixing and matching their donor and recipient lists to come up with the 26 person (13 donors and 13 recipients) "domino" surgeries. The surgeries took place over a period of 6 days, with doctors performing transplants on 2-3 patients each day.

How was all of this possible? Well, there's a new trend among hospitals specializing in organ transplantation called "paired kidney donation" in which one incompatible donor/recipient pair is matched with another pair in the same situation so that the donor of the first kidney gives to the recipient of the second, and vice versa. Obviously, the larger the kidney exchange, the more donors and recipients are mixed and matched, giving more people the chance to obtain a new kidney.

Pretty cool, people. So I thought I'd share...And yeah, I KNEW there was a reason (or 20) why I just LOVE Grey's Anatomy.

Adam Lambert: Edgy -OR- Obscene?

All right. Let's talk about this. Nobody else has, so you know I've got an opinion. Adam Lambert (runner-up last season on American Idol) performed on the American Music Awards a couple weeks ago, and it was quite controversial. His subsequent performances on ABC were cancelled, and he made no apologies for his performance.

I did not watch the AMAs, but I did make sure to check out this performance. I did this not because I wanted to see 2 guys make out, but I wanted to judge for myself what all the huff was about. I don't know why everyone was so concerned with the man-on-man make-out with all of the other completely OBSCENE crap going on "for your entertainment." WOW. This was meant to be a FAMILY show on primetime network television. Let's just count some of the things I'd be pissed about if I was a network exec:

1. Simulating fellatio (just ice the cake by making the simulation with a male dancer-truthfully that I couldn't care less about)

2. Crotch grabbing

3. S & M outfits

4. Pole-dancing

5. Flipping off the crowd

6. Oh, and making out (again, ice the cake with it being a dude)

*Please note that I am ALL for gay rights and have lots of gay friends. I want to be clear that for me, if Adam had made out with and/or simulated fellatio with a WOMAN, I would still find it completely inappropriate for network television.*

Adam says that editing his performance for the west coast feed was discrimination. I say I hope they just ELIMINATED it. Frankly, I have no idea what I would have done had my daughter been watching this with my husband and me. I probably would've changed the channel and then had a discussion about appropriate behavior in public. Adam defends his performance by saying he was "honoring the lyrics" of his song. I'm sorry, but for me this is about taste. If you KNOW you're performing on prime-time network television, I think as an artist, you should think about catering to your audience, especially when your album comes out the NEXT day. Isn't the whole idea to get people to buy your record? Personally, I won't pick it up, especially after seeing THAT obscene display.

In an Access Hollywood interview he said, "You know honestly, if I offended some people...it's apples and oranges. I'm not an artist that does things for every single person." Um, okay? EVERY artist is not for everyone, but there's no reason to be obscene. I wasn't offended by his performance, but I was repulsed. He also compared himself (how DARE he) to Lady Gaga by saying that after she "[tore] it apart on stage" that he was inspired and got caught up in the moment??? I'm sorry, but as unique as Lady Gaga is, she's not obscene. She's different and definitely pushes the envelope, but it's TASTEFUL and awe-inspiring. I think Adam could use a little coaching in that department.

For me, this doesn't come down to gay or straight. My husband mentioned the 3-way kiss between Madonna, Britney and Christina several years back at the VMAs in comparison. I told him what I will tell all of you: that was MTV. It's expected, and my 7 year-old (someday when I have one) won't be watching the VMAs. The difference is that this was on network television and a show meant for families. It's not ABC being discriminatory. It's ABC protecting its own integrity. Adam said it himself when he said his music "isn't for everyone." It's certainly not appropriate for the daytime audience (in most cases).

Social Networking: All the [Source of My] Rage These Days

One of my great friends said recently: "come over to myspace so i can twitter your yahoo until you google all over my facebook." I think that about sums it up, right? There used to be a place I could go and speak freely about what was on my mind mostly anonomously in cyberspace. NOW, it seems that I have to edit all of my posts to make sure I don't offend my DAD? Or my BOSS? Or anyone that I would usually be bitching about in cyberspace. W-T-F, mate?!

Don't get me wrong, I am HUGELY excited that I have been able to reconnect with some of my long-lost friends and met some really cool people, namely my very best friend Linz, on Mojo. However, when I got a request from my Grandma AND my dad on Facebook a couple months back, I started thinking about WHY I am still ON Facebook...And NOW I even have an estranged family member face-stalking me. SO, this begs the question, WHAT is a technologically savvy and super-networked girl supposed to do?
Last week, when I received a much dreaded message from the stalker, I made all of my videos on youtube private, changed my privacy settings on facebook to make myself all but unsearchable and then sat and stared at my screen for like an hour. I was just thinking, what am I DOING?! I'm driving myself crazy trying to privatize myself while still staying public? I mean really, I laughed at myself after doing all that because the only way for me to keep my business MY business would be to just delete my facebook profile, cancel my youtube account and go hide under a rock. This is HIGHLY unlikely, being that it's pretty much the only way I stay connected with people. Heaven forbid we pick up the PHONE these days! I mean, does anyone even HAVE a phone anymore? If you have a PHONE, you might as well BE under a rock. If you don't have an iPhone or a Blackberry, your social life is pretty much non-existent. Okay, maybe not, but you get what I'm saying.

I have to say that I'm hanging onto one last shred of dignity by completely avoiding Twitter. I mean, at least on Facebook you only see what I'm doing if you go out of your way to check. And the same goes for me. I only see what you're up to if I CHOOSE to look at my facebook page. I get enough junk texting that I don't need updates on when my friends are showering...

I guess my point in all of this is that although I think that social networking is a fabulous concept, it's ruining my life at the same time. I mean, my ex husband actually cheated on me and left me because he reconnected with his ex-girlfriend on MYSPACE...back when myspace was all the rage. It's hard to believe I actually met my husband in PERSON with no help from any social networking site!

So if you happen to meet me at some mojo event, I'm Xile. And if you're offended by something I say on here, at least I have an opinion. I'd like to thank Mojo for giving me a place to be my cyber-self. And I'd like to thank my Grandma and my dad for NOT joining. HA!

Good day ya'll.

TIRED of Tiger...

Man, I couldn't even decide in which CHANNEL to post this! Sports? Local News? Entertainment? Take your pick. Either way, I know I'm not the only one who is TIRED of hearing about Tiger Woods. Men cheat. LOTS of them do. Women go crazy, hell, most of us ARE crazy. Just because he's a pro athlete doesn't mean he's a god, okay? And frankly, I really couldn't care less. He's a fantastic golfer, the best of our time, right? No one pegged him as the guy with the best morals, the best husband, the best ANYTHING but a golfer. So that's what I care about: his golf game. That's what I want to hear, on ESPN. Other than that, I don't care, and none of us should either. Let the man live his screwed up life, just like the rest of us NON-perfect humans.

I mean, first of all, is anyone surprised that he cheated? I'm not! He's constantly away from home and bombarded with beautiful women. And these days, what politician, pro-athlete, actor or any other celebrity HASN'T cheated or done something less than savory in the eyes of the general public??? When are we going to learn to stop idolizing these people and start realizing that if they're good at their job, whatever it is, let them do it. Beyond that, just understand they're all screwed up. And if they haven't screwed up yet, they will at some point. Since when is ANY person perfect?

As far as cheating, let's be real. Humans were not made to be monogomous; we have to WORK at it. How many of you have been cheated on or been the cheater? I don't care if people say "once a cheater, always a cheater." That is circumstantial and in many cases, untrue. Now, in Tiger's case, it probably IS, but that's not the point. The point is, he's the best golfer on the planet. Is it wrong that he's a big cheater, of course!

All I'm saying is that I don't care how much of a sleaze he is. How's his golf game? I don't care who's coming out of his house on a stretcher at 2 am, or why his wife threw a golf club through the back window of the SUV he slammed into a tree in his own driveway. So unless he's yelling at a ref (not likely being that he plays GOLF), taking some kind of performance-enhancing drugs, or somehow cheating on the GOLF COURSE, I don't need to know. I'm tired of hearing about his personal problems. Let's move on to something meaningful, like healthcare...okay, CNN? Okay, NBC? Okay, EVERY single news channel...

That's my rant.

Tareq & Michaele Salahi: Heroes or Crashers???

Yes!!! A blogger's HEAVEN is the event that took place last week at the White House! Who knows if they were invited or not, but truthfully, I hope they weren't. AND I think they should get a medal. A great big PLATINUM medal. I mean, what better way to show what a JOKE our Secret Service is, right? Not to mention, let's go ahead and make a mockery of a fancy dinner for the Indian Prime Minister while the rest of us are trying to figure out how to pay for our Thanksgiving dinner!

I am seriously in LOVE with the Salahis, and I think if there are charges filed, they need to be brought against the director of the Secret Service, Mark Sullivan, who seriously dropped the ball. He said it himself that the Agency is "deeply concerned and embarassed" at the major breakdown in security. But hey, don't worry, Mr. President, they went through the same screening procedures as everyone else for weapons! As they say, don't hate the player, hate the game, right? I mean, this was an absolutely HUGE move! Bold, over-the-top, FABULOUS.

Some people are saying we shouldn't "reward" the Salahis with their spot on the upcoming reality show, The Real Housewives of D.C. In fact, some are saying they should do some jail time or worse?! I say they should get their OWN show! They should write a BOOK on how to crash a party. Now even if you don't think they should be "rewarded" with the reality spot, they should at least be rewarded for exposing our inadequecies in security. Hey, at least they weren't some terrorists, okay? Now the Secret Service can re-evaluate their definition of "secure" for the future.

As far as this dinner is concerned, it's a joke, okay? Our unemployment rate in this country is well over 10%, which only includes those CURRENTLY receiving benefits. It doesn't include those who exhausted them NOR does it include people like me, who were self-employed. It doesn't include people who took jobs flipping burgers at McDonald's who used to run companies that went under due to this suffering economy. We're HUNDREDS of BILLIONS of dollars in debt to China, but hey, let's throw a party! Does anyone else see a problem here?

I challenge the White House staff to throw an equally expensive and much more expansive dinner for some of the people in this country who can't afford groceries. I challenge them to stop throwing big fancy dinner parties and to start putting their money where their mouths are. Let's put the money used for these parties back in the American people's pockets. After all, it's the taxes the American people pay which PAY for these engagements...or maybe it was China. Either way, I challenge the White House to give back. Give that money to the food banks who can't keep up with the demand. Give it to the homeless shelters who are over capacity. And hey, Mr. President, why don't you spend that time helping out the communities in your home country by serving at a soup kitchen or working at a food bank.

So, in my humble opinion, I vote that the Salahis are heroes, and they shouldn't be charged with anything except being absolutely FEARLESSLY bold.

Til next time...

**UPDATE** As I currently follow the Real Housewives of D.C., I must say that these people are totally out of their minds, and I can't stand them. HOWEVER, I still have the same feelings about what they did for the dinner at the White House. I love the chaos it created and how they exploited the cracks in our awesome security. I guess that means that I don't actually think they're "heroes" anymore, but I still think what they did was fearlessly bold.** 

Tween Moms Freak Out About 'New Moon'

I was reading an article on CNN.com last night that sparked my interest: "Some Parents Wary of 'New Moon.'" There was SO much in there that I could comment on that I just HAD to write about it!

I think we're just completely naive as parents if we really think that telling an 11 or 12 year-old that she can't see these movies will actually stop her. COME ON!!!! We've all been 12, right? I remember when I was 11 and got a shirt that said "FLIRT" on it that my dad threw a HUGE fit about my wearing it and forbid me from doing so. So when I went to go to the roller rink with my friends, I simply wore a sweatshirt out the door. We're women, okay? We're inventive, and we find a way around things. When we're determined, there's no stopping us.

Heather Sokol of Westfield, IN bought advanced tickets to see the film but has been upfront with her 11 year-old daughter about why she won't be allowed to see it, saying that it is based on a young adult novel with content that is too advanced for her. Her reasoning is absolutely on par, but unfortunately, like I said earlier, kids these days are crafty and find ways around the word "no." Not only this, but our 11 year-olds are getting their sex ed. on earlier and earlier these days, so although the content is quite possibly inappropriate, it's unfortunately, not something most kids these days haven't been exposed to.

Kimberly (OF COURSE her name is 'Kim') Noe, 46, is on the defense with her daughter, Daisy, 11, when it comes to the Twilight saga. She has decided that the best way to combat the issue is to paint the series in a negative light, calling it "dumb," with regard to the plotlines. She's read the series herself (and no doubt purchased every book, I'm sure) and thinks that by complaining about the ridiculousness of the series her daughter will not be quite as "rabid" as the other girls her age. However, her daughter was the first one to nab a copy of Vanity Fair with Robert Pattinson on the cover. Is her defense a probable one? Not in my humble opinion, it's not. Let's be honest with our kids, okay Kim? You read the series, probably bought it and have seen the movie(s). It's a GREAT series, full of imagination and fantastic writing. Most of us can say that we literally COULD NOT put it down! For goodness sakes, we teach our kids that lying is wrong, so don't lie to the girl. She's 11, she's brighter than you may be giving her credit for, so open a dialogue. If she wants to read the books or see the films, I say let her! And use it for a springboard for discussion. What's realistic about it and what's not? What, at her age, should she make sure to take away from it? What can we learn from Bella?

Natalie Hjelsvold sat down with her daughter Ashlyn, 9, recently to watch the first movie. First of all, WHAT?! The girl is NINE! I mean, at 9, I'd say most parents would say it's completely inappropriate. At 9, the girl probably can't comprehend most of the plot and doesn't need to be exposed to so much violence and gore. Aside from that, while watching the movie, Natalie made sure to interject the following commentary: 'boys don't think about girls like that,' 'boys won't stare at you across the parking lot like that,' 'boys don't spend all day thinking about you and wishing you were sitting beside them in class,' 'boys won't sniff your hair.'" Um, what?! Does she interject similar commentary while her daughter's watching 'Cinderella' and 'Sleeping Beauty'? I'm just curious. It's a FANTASY. It's a fairy tale. It's FICTION. Not only that, but I hope that my daughter DOES believe men do some of those things! The man my daughter ends up with should worship the ground she walks on, and there's nothing wrong with believing in romance. Although it's not mainstream, it DOES exist. Why should we ruin the magic for our daughters? Does this woman make sure she tells her daughter "there's no such thing as Santa Clause and fairies don't exist either"?

Seriously, people, there was more in this article. Rachel Holzman made sure that before she would allow her daughter to see the movie that she (her daughter) PROVED she understood that "Bella's obsessive compulsiveness over a boy wasn't something she should aspire to." Um, how exactly does one PROVE she understands something like that? I mean, really?? Her daughter's age is not given, but she says that she allowed her to read all 4 books. If the girl is able to read all 4 books, then she's old enough to see the movies. And again, I think it's just important to TALK about what is going on and what's appropriate and what's not.

The argument parents have for not wanting their daughters to see "New Moon," surprisingly has little to do with the sexual innuendo and violence or more to do with "Bella's all-encompassing and self-destructive passion for Edward." This, to me, is quite puzzling. I mean, I understand that Bella's behavior wouldn't be considered healthy or appropriate by our standards, but I have to say that the violence and sexual innuendo are equally as inappropriate for our young viewers! And again, it's all about communication. As long as we communicate with our kids, we'll be much better off. So I say to these parents: Get off the defense, get on the offense, and start talking. Be honest with your children, they'll have a lot more respect for you in the long run.


Some Parents Wary of 'New Moon'

Coming Out...of Christianity...

Let me start by saying that I was raised a Lutheran, and I converted to Catholic in college. I have always had questions that I felt never got answered with relation to the Bible and God. I am a very literal and analytical person, so a lot of things that the Bible says just don't make sense to me. I'm sure plenty of people will disagree with me, which is fine. That's our right as Americans and as humans: free speech and free will.

I don't necessarily believe in any one religion over another, however, my husband and I have recently gravitated toward Buddhism and the teachings of the Dalai Lama. Last summer, we both took a quiz on www.beliefnet.com, which initiated a dialogue about religion. I encourage everyone to take this quiz, not only for fun, but also to see what it is that you REALLY believe. It forces you to answer questions that are sometimes taboo and uncomfortable, but they're really important ones. I can't say that it gave me a concrete answer as to what religion I should belong, but it certainly opened my eyes to what I am NOT.

This, of course, became a great source of controversy in our family recently, as we had a beautiful baby girl who we chose not to baptize into the Christian faith. My husband's mother threw a HUGE fit and demanded that we baptize Hayden for HER (his mom) just in case. This was so confusing to me on so many levels. Why would we stand up in front of hundreds of people and LIE and say that we would choose to raise our daughter in a way that we absolutely will not? Isn't that worse than not baptizing her in the first place? We're taught NOT to lie. Just because I choose not to believe in God does not mean that I don't have morals. Not only this, but I don't believe that any god would send an innocent child to a horrible place (whether Hell or Purgatory) just because she was not baptized. The whole premise of Hell is that it's a place for people who have sinned and have not repented. I don't believe that we are BORN sinners. I don't believe that it is possible for a baby to commit a sin.

When I told my father that I was no longer Christian and did not plan on raising my daughter as such, he bought me a housewarming gift: a cross with a prayer on it to hang on the wall in my house. My husband's mom screamed for hours on end and kept saying that he's wrong and that he'll be sorry. His dad decided to change the subject to something more comfortable and appropriate (in his eyes). My point: we had barely any support or encouragement in our new direction. You'd think that we called our family to say (and please, do NOT take offense to this if you are gay/lesbian), "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." It's such a taboo thing, and there is just as much discrimination involved in "coming out" of the Christian closet. And it's ridiculously unfair.

As a country, we preach about freedom and yet, there is so much discrimination all around us. We don't allow for religious freedom in America, really. It says "In God We Trust" on all of our currency, for goodness sakes! The Pledge of Allegiance that we recited every single day in school says that we believe in one nation under God. Even the Girl Scout Promise talks about believing in God. Does that mean because I'm not raising my daughter in the Church that she cannot be a Girl Scout? I hope not, because I want a guaranteed source of Girl Scout Cookies!

Now, I'm not saying that I'm an Atheist or a devil-worshiper. I believe in a higher purpose, a higher calling. I believe in a life before and after this one. I believe in being the best person I can and respecting my neighbors. However, I don't believe in the "man in the sky." (for those who have seen "The Invention of Lying)

I challenge each of you to take the religion quiz at www.beliefnet.com, if for no other reason but to reaffirm your choice of faith! Start a dialogue, and let's practice acceptance, folks. And hey, they don't call me TheXile for nothin'

Carrie Pre[Madonna]Jean: Whiner or Winner?

WOW, folks. All I have to say is "wow." This girl is something else! I hope she doesn't sell ONE book, although I know she already has. I've watched her appearances on Larry King and The View, as well as the Today show, and I am of the opinion that she is laughable, at best. She's whining about the fact that she lost her crown, according to her, because she believes a marriage should be between a man and a woman. WHATEVER. Her opinion is shared with many people in America, so quit whining. I won't go into my view on this, but suffice it to say that I disagree with her. Bottom line: she wasn't upholding her end of the bargain according to pageant officials, which I am much more inclined to believe, especially after she dropped her lawsuit.

Nobody cared about her book. The media wants to hear the dirt! STILL nobody cares about her book. Nobody wants to hear a skinny, blonde bitch whine about losing her PAGEANT CROWN!! Seriously?! She's not relatable to 90% of women, and 90% of men could care less about anything but her fake boobs. HA. And though nobody wants to hear a skinny blonde bitch whine about anything, we all love a good train wreck, right? I mean, let's admit it. As much as I can't stand this girl, I couldn't help watching every interview she did! I think Barbara Walters said it best when she told Carrie this was the best thing that could've happened to her. Although, now she'll live in infamy along with the "Balloon Boy."

I still think she's ridiculous. I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth, and I'm thinking about sneaking off to Borders one evening while my husband can watch our daughter so I can sneak a few chapters in anyway...for FREE. I enjoy laughing at stupid people. Call me mean, or call me American.

So, I guess the real question is whether she'll benefit from her own idiocy. I truly hope not. I hope she has to get a real job because her book doesn't sell.

Oh No She Did

So as many of you know, I'm pregnant. And for those of you who have been pregnant and have children of your own, you must know what a completely frightening, selfless thing it is to go through 9 or so months of carrying a baby with you everywhere. And at the same time it's quite exciting, amazing, and incredible to be able to do such a thing, which is why we don't feel bad in the end for giving up all the things we were used to prior to seeing those infamous two lines...

Now, I understand that this isn't for everyone and, in fact, at one point I never thought I wanted to have kids of my own. So I get that not everyone is going to be thrilled for me, not everyone is going to run out to Babies R Us to check out the cool stuff that we registered for and attend the baby shower, but there are certain people in my life who I would ordinarily expect to be excited and happy for me. I'm mainly talking about my sister here. She volunteered to plan two baby showers for Mark and me and has been overly excited to hear any news we had about the pregnancy. That is until Saturday, anyway.

I think my Saturday was taken from a movie. I'm not sure what movie, maybe one that hasn't been made, but it was definitely not out of my life. It started out messy, and by the end of the day I was standing in the wreckage from Hurricane Katrina.

I woke up in Illinois and went to the DMV to get my driver's license (long story) for the second time that week, this time with my SS card in hand. Apparently, I also needed my birth certificate and probably a blood sample to do this because they denied me this privilege. So fine, Mark and I decided to go to Babies R Us to blow off some steam; you know, shoot up some items on the registry that were girly (since we found out Friday that we're having a baby girl). So we left there in a great mood, of course and headed back to my dad's to do the shower invites with my sister.

She got quite frustrated because we couldn't get the printer set up right to print on a custom sized paper, and I ended up figuring it out after 2 hours while she was holed up in her bedroom. No big deal, right? Except when she was working on the second set, I realized that we printed the first set without a time or location for the party...50 invitations, folks...well, this sent my sister over the edge into a screaming fit like I've never seen from a 20 year-old adult. I stayed completely level-headed through this (which for those of you who know me realize this is something of a miracle in itself), while she spouted off some really hurtful things while screaming and crying. That's fine though, I understood that she had taken too much on anyway and was surprised she was handling things as well as she was up to that point.

What I didn't realize was how absolutely jealous she was (and possibly still is) of my situation with being engaged and pregnant until the last few things she said before storming out the door: "yay for you. Great. Everone's happy for YOU because YOU'RE getting married and YOU'RE having a baby. You're completely selfish." That's about when my jaw hit the floor...

The truth is that people know what you show them. People know what they see: the Clark Kent theory. No one has any idea how difficult it's been for BOTH Mark and myself these last several months with so much happening at once. No one knows what our relationship has been like, our finances, our jobs, our friends, or anything else for that matter. Because we paint the picture for the people in our lives...and keep a lot private. On purpose. And what some people may not realize are all of the sacrifices you make as a parent and a parent-to-be for your children. You can't be a good parent and be selfish...

But it still makes me wonder, is the portrait of my public self a selfish one? Am I selfish for expecting someone to follow through with a commitment she made to me and to Mark? And do I owe my sister an apology, or does she owe me one?

Little Wonders

There are many people in this world who wake up every weekday to a blaring alarm (usually multiple times) to go to a job. Now, most of these people aren't happy to go to work and often call their husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, on their way home to bitch and complain about the latest office drama, how their boss is such a _____ and that they wish they could quit.
For these people, I have deepest empathy, as I used to be one.
And then one day I decided to begin a new adventure, one that would lead me on a path to a simpler and less stressful life...as a nanny.
I can't tell you how many days I call Mark just to laugh while he's at work and tell him how Aiden said this or Delaney did that. And as I'm sitting here on a rope swing attached to a giant Oak tree, I thought it was a good time to reflect and be thankful.
A few minutes ago, Delaney asked me, "Bri, can you smell the Fall? I can..." To which I replied, "Yes, Laney, I can smell the Fall, and it's one of my most favorite smells in the world!" Fall is the smell of the leaves on the ground, the scent of hot apple cider and pumpkin pie, and the smell of Mom's chili simmering on the stove...all wonderful things I wouldn't necessarily think of on my own without Delaney's prompt.
Rob Thomas may have said it best when he sang, "our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate. Time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain."
Children see the small things in life. Their perspective is refreshingly simple and sweet. I feel so fortunate to be able to go to work and take in the scent of Autumn, enjoy the sound of leaves crunching under my feet, play in a world of fairies and magic, and laugh with 2 of the most amazing little people I've ever met.
Don't get me wrong, I have my days too...where I look at the clock and wonder if it's 4 yet, but those days are so few that it makes everything worth it. Aiden and Delaney teach me to remember the small things in life: the smell of Fall, the satisfaction of making a perfect lower-case "p", the beauty of magic, and the wonders of the world around us. They remind me to stop and smell the roses, or the leaves on the ground. I remember to take a deep breath in the morning and be thankful that I still have the opportunity to learn and grow. Children may not be perfect (they are human, after all), but they are an amazing gift.