So...Funny Story...

I swear to Gato that I have the most interesting (worst?) luck known to mankind. I will expound upon my entire journey in another entry (or 7), but this story needs to be told while it's still semi-fresh in my mind. I spent 10 days of the last 2 weeks in Arizona for the first time since I left town after my ex husband and I decided things weren't going to work out between us...that was almost 6 years ago. There is plenty to talk about with regard to the entire trip, but the most ironic/interesting/possibly sadistically hilarious thing that happened was on the flight back to Indy.

My aunt and I were on the same flight back (well, AND down, but we'll save that entry for another day). We boarded the flight on time in Phoenix, and everything was going smoothly. That should have probably been the first ominous clue that something was about to go horribly awry. However, I tend to enjoy the positivity when it happens, especially on incredibly stressful trips full of family drama. SO, we boarded smoothly, got sat next to a crazy cat lady (on the INSIDE of course), pushed early from the gate, and all was well.

Beverage/food service started as usual, announcements at the 10K feet mark as are standard, and the crazy cat lady chattered on about the rocketship pillow that she had crocheted for her grandson's birthday. My aunt and I giggled quietly to each other while sharing some almonds, and we let the cat lady babble on...a few moments later, the first class flight attendant came over the intercom and asked that a doctor come forward if there was one on board the flight...My training immediately came back to me, and I knew this probably wasn't an ideal situation. However, I had hopes that it was maybe a nervous flier that just got super dizzy and airsick or something...

Shortly after a doctor came forward, another flight attendant flew by me and said "someone get me the AED..." at which point I knew we were about to be diverted, someone's life was at stake, and our day was about to get royally fucked up. Another doctor and 2 nurses joined the effort to save this man's life, but unfortunately, it takes a long ass time to land an A320...even with the optimal conditions. We were just 30 miles past the ABQ airport and got immediate clearance to land. However, it still took us 30-40 from the start time of the tragedy until we were on the ground with EMS crews working on him. When we landed, there were 4 fire trucks, multiple police cars, and an ambulance waiting at the gate...

Unfortunately, no matter how many flashing lights were available at the time, it wasn't enough to save this man's life. So, what's the point of all of this?

The point is that my Grams is planning a trip to St. Croix in the very near future. She has bought her ticket and is ready to do whatever it takes to get on the plane, up to and including defying her doctors and (possibly) lying to the airlines. The point is that my trip to Arizona was a last-minute trip to help my mother get through her mother's impending death (which didn't happen this time). The point is that my Grams' heart stopped. She has a Pacemaker now. She has stage IV COPD (end stage), and she now has renal issues as well. The point is that a LOT of people don't realize what they can't see. The point is that this man (probably) never should have boarded flight 460. The point is that air travel is incredibly hard on your body in ways that we can't see on the outside.

The point is that I really didn't need this message. I didn't need to bear witness to a guy dying 2 rows in front of me. However, since I did, I'm putting it out there for you. Care about your loved ones enough not to allow them to do something incredibly selfish and stupid. Care about them enough to keep them off an airplane if they aren't in optimal health. You may think you're teaching them a hard lesson by allowing them to do something foolish, but really...this man's body is in Albuquerque...and his family is here. He never made it. They never loaded up the ambulance...They loaded up a hearse instead.

122 people deplaned and sat in Albuquerque for 7 hours. This incident cost the airline more money than you or I can imagine making in a matter of years. Our aircraft had to be flown back to Phoenix to have medical equipment be replenished. A crewmember witnessed a death, and therefore, the crew automatically timed out and had to be replaced. The aircraft then had to be flown BACK to Albuquerque to load up 122 extremely pissed off travelers who didn't care about that man but, instead, about their fucked up day. Several people were demanding refunds, and so many were treating the gate agents and even the PILOTS like last night's whore. It was an embarrassment the way these "people" were acting. I can understand their frustration at not being able to get where they were going in a reasonable time frame, but this was completely out of the airline's control. So, who should these people be pissed at? That's the point of this entry. We should be angry with those who enabled this obviously sick man to travel by air.

The cat lady kept saying how "unfair" it was for this man to have died. I disagree with her, though. Not that life has a way of being fair or anything, but this man knew the risks of getting on that flight. His family knew the risks. His doctors knew the risks...And if any of these people were left uninformed, shame on them. If any of you could stop this from happening in the future, I beg of you to do so. Why? Well, how would you feel knowing that your father/grandfather/aunt/uncle/mother/grandmother's body was alone in a freezer in a city 7 states away because you didn't stop him/her from getting on that plane?

Here's to the bearer of bad news...

Bacon Crusted Mac & Cheese...The REAL Way to a Man's Heart

What You Need:

12 oz center cut bacon

2 8 oz blocks of cheese (I used Helluva Good Pepperjack & Medium Cheddar)

12 oz can of Evaporated milk (the higher the fat content, the creamier the dish, but I usually use 2%)

Your favorite box of pasta (My girls chose "flowers" ie. Fiori)

Olive oil of your choosing, just a few dashes

A covered baking dish (The one pictured is 2½ quarts) coated with your fave cooking spray

A colander (aka the thing you use to drain your pasta, not to be confused with a calendar, which might come in handy when choosing the next time you're going to make this stellar meal)

A cheese grater

What You Do:

All right, you are going to end up using three burners on your stovetop if it's electric. If it's gas, commence gloating now. Anyway, first I start cooking the bacon since it takes a bajillion years. I cook it on the stovetop, and you should, too. Here's why. You need that small amount of bacon grease to flavor your mac & cheese. Using center cut bacon, you won't have nearly as much fat, and that is a good thing all around. Trust me. Your waist will thank you later. So, long story short, start cooking your bacon in the biggest skillet you have. Medium to medium-high heat is best, and I usually start a bit lower and work my way up.

Now you can start boiling water for your pasta. Simultaneously (and this might be difficult for the multi-tasking challenged), preheat your oven to 350º. P.S. Your bacon is still sizzling. 

In between waiting for your water to boil and waiting 17 years for the bacon to cook, you want to shred your cheese. I shred mine into 2 separate bowls and pop them back into the fridge while I am standing around watching the pot that's never going to boil and the bacon that's never going to be done. ;-)

When your water comes to a rolling boil, toss in a dash of olive oil and let it get to a boil again. THEN dump the pasta in. Give it a good stir, and cook as you ordinarily would. Here's the trick, though. A lot of times when you bake pasta dishes, the pasta comes out mushy and gross by the time it comes out of the oven. How does one avoid this, you ask? Well, only cook it to FIRM. Most directions will give you instructions for "firm," "al dente," and "tender." The first marker is what you want to hit. 

So once your pasta is finished cooking (and your bacon isn't), pop it in the colander and rinse with hot water. I suppose the temperature of the water doesn't really matter, though, since you will be baking it anyway. Just a habit. Leave it in the sink while you make your cheese sauce, k? 

So, I usually boil the water on the back burner because it's bigger and away from the little hands who like to reach up from out of nowhere and attempt to burn their little fingers. K, so when I do the sauce part, it's too far to reach to the back burner, so I use a front burner. Anyway, heat up the evaporated milk, and then dump in your first round of cheese. Stir on the constant until it's melted, and then add your second cheese. Repeat, and once everything is blended together, add in your pasta. Mix it all up, and then pour the entire mixture into your baking dish. 

By now, your bacon should finally be done...or at least close. It doesn't have to be completely finished cooking, as it will continue to sizzle while you bake it. So once your cheesy pasta is settled into its new home (the baking dish), arrange your strips of bacon on top. Then drizzle the bacon drippings on top. Cover the baking dish, pop it in the oven, and set a timer for 30 minutes. In the meantime, I am usually making several bows...but you don't have to do that. ;-) Maybe fold a load of towels or reprimand a kid or two while you wait. 

Once the 30 minutes is up, remove the lid, and bake it for about another 10 minutes, or until your bacon looks like you want it to look. Some people like charred bacon, and others don't. A good rule of thumb is 10 minutes though. 

And that's all she wrote, folks! I know it's long, drawn out instructions, but hey, I like to keep it interesting around here. I'd love to hear your feedback, your tweaks, etc. So let me know if you tried this and what you think!

*S*

A New Endeavor

I am absolutely positive that my loyal followers have been wondering why I have disappeared off of the blogosphere yet again! I know you're all anxious to hear about Captain, amongst my other adventures. However, I must confess that my attention has been brought to a new endeavor!

I recently bought a sewing machine and decided it was important to learn to use it...well, because otherwise King would not be happy that I wasted a bunch of money on a large paperweight. That being said, I have opened a small boutique shop online, and I will be doing somewhat of a craft fair tour this fall.

So, here is a link to my shop, and I will post some photos of my work below!

I am running some awesome promotions right now for new fans of my page, so make sure you check it out and 'Like' it!

100.

For my 100th entry, I've decided to tell you 100 things about me. This is somewhat of a recap of things about which I have already written, but there are plenty of other interesting random facts as well. Thanks for reading up until now, and cheers to many more entries!

1. I am married to a wonderful man who understands me to my core and accepts me 100%, but I wouldn't marry him if given the chance to go back and do it again

2. I have made some amazing friends over the last few years, and while I've lost some others, the ones who stick around have made my life worth living

3. I have lost a sister and a father, both in the same year...and both are still alive

4. I have a more authentic and understanding relationship with my mother now than I ever expected I'd have

5. I'm not a Christian, and I'm good with that. I'm happy to be spiritual, and I like the idea that I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side...or if there even is another side

6. I'm a mother. I'm a damn good mother, and I won't allow anyone to make me feel otherwise. My girls are my heart and soul, an extension of myself, and they are true love incarnate.

7. I'm convinced that Facebook is a necessary evil at this juncture in my life. I would love to crawl in a hole and delete myself sometimes, but there are so many more days that I am thankful to have had the opportunity to connect with people that I would have otherwise never known again or come into contact with at all. Social networking is a double-edged sword, and I am working on finding my place in all of it.

8. I'm a comedienne. I have come to realize that I have the gift of being able to make people laugh, even though I couldn't tell a joke if my life was dependent upon it. Ironic, isn't it?

9. I am a writer. It's who I am. It's a part of my life, and people either understand it...or they don't. It isn't my job to convince anyone to like it or understand it, but it is my job to be true to myself and to process the events in my life the way that I know how. Writing (publicly -or- privately) is how I heal, how I deal, and it's what allows me not to forget

10. I can't stand bras...Since having babies, my tatas have minds of their own, and (like me) they don't abide by the norms that society has put in place. I am content to wear nursing tanks and sports bras for the rest of my days...or until I get an awesome boob job that will allow me the pleasure of never having to keep the ladies in check ever again :-D

11. Boxers. I prefer guys who wear boxers. I saw a guy at the pool the other day that was wearing these tight spandexy swim shorts...and I couldn't help but stare. I totally understand how guys feel with the whole boob thing now...It's not like I WANTED to be staring...I couldn't help it. Don't make me stare at your junk. Please.

12. I hated being pregnant, and by default, I hate all of my friends who have easy pregnancies. I didn't have overly tragic pregnancies (only mildly tragic), but I still hated every last second of them.

13. I smoke sometimes. I can only bring myself to do it when I'm drinking, though...and when I have someone to join me. If it takes years off my life, I'm good with it. At least I will have enjoyed my years. And I can't stand people who are super anti-smoking and don't even want people to be allowed to do it outside their own damn house.

14. I don't sleep well. I have gotten much better at falling asleep, but the staying asleep has me now. I went 18 months without sleeping through the night after having Monster #2, and my body refuses to understand that those days are over now. Instead, I am forced to wake up around 2 am every single night...and it's then that I watch an episode or 2 of Phineas and Ferb.

15. I can't stand doctors, particularly pediatricians. They have made my life a living hell over the last few years, and I don't appreciate it. I don't appreciate being told at every appointment that there is a possibility that something may or may not be wrong with one or both of my children. I don't appreciate being berated for my parenting choices, especially considering that I research every last one of them until my fingers are bleeding from paper cuts and too much typing.

16. I don't vax my kids. We didn't make that decision because of the fear of autism. We made informed choices based on lots of information. We don't like the amount of toxic chemicals that are put into our children's bodies at such a young age. We don't believe that vaccines are nearly as safe as the FDA would like us to believe. We don't believe there is enough research into safety and efficacy of these vaccines, and frankly, we think most of them are a bunch of bullshit. In addition to that, I believe it's not the government's or my pediatrician's job to make choices for me as a parent.

17. I clean when I'm mad. I think this makes my husband happy to piss me off sometimes. Some of the most productive cleaning days I've had have been when I am entirely hateful and angry.

18. One of the best Christmases I ever had was actually one of the worst. I got the worst gifts I'd ever gotten, my step-mother opened one of my gifts...it was fucking hilarious. Laughter is so much better than anything else, really. I still laugh about the hideous slippers that King got me that year...after asking my sister to help him shop for me.

19. I don't believe that diamonds are a girl's best friend. In fact, I believe they're close to being evil. I don't own a diamond, and I won't accept a gift that involves diamonds of any shape, color, or size.

20. I love the smell of lilies (particularly star gazers) and lilacs. I don't view them as any sort of requirement for life or anything, but lilacs take me back in time to when I was a child...and Lilies just smell like love to me

21. I am afraid of fish. I refuse to swim in lakes because of it. I am terrified that a fish (no, not a shark) will bite me because I have invaded its space. I finally got past my fear enough to get into the ocean last fall, but that was with the help of Xanax. I don't enjoy swimming in dirty water, and I'm allergic to chlorine...this makes swimming a very complicated endeavour for me.

22. I love chocolate. I used to think I didn't love chocolate, but I think that was more my attempting to swim against the current in every facet of life. Clearly, that was stupid, considering chocolate is one of the best things in life.

23. I may love chocolate, but I don't like chocolate cake. I can't even tell you why that is, but it just doesn't work for me. I could do chocolate frosting, but white cake is where it's at

24. Waffles are better than pancakes. The batter may be eerily similar, but I am telling you that waffles are better. I think it's the subtle crunch of the waffle that makes them better. And I don't like how the syrup soaks into the pancakes so much

25. I have come to realize that I'm the type of person that you either love...or love to hate. This works for me, as I am pretty extreme myself, so the extreme reactions make sense. I don't mind being hated, and actually, I find it quite flattering. I used to think it was important that everyone liked me, but now I realize that's neither possible nor realistic. I will just continue to be loved by those who love me, and I will give the haters something to do with their time

26. I believe in true forgiveness. However, I don't believe you need to forgive someone who doesn't deserve it. And I think you should forgive people when you're damn good and ready, and when it makes sense in your life to do it. Sometimes when you apologize to someone, that person isn't done being hurt...and I've learned that you just need to be patient. Maybe she'll come around and accept it, and maybe she won't. I know that I screw up sometimes, and that involves consequences. I also realize that I've forgiven people who have hurt me deeply, and I'm so much better for it.

27. I wouldn't Photoshop my life. I know I said that it would be nice, but truthfully, everything in my life has brought me to where I stand today. The events that took place were necessary to my path, and I am learning to accept and understand that. While it sounds nice in theory and is funny to think about, I wouldn't change a damn thing.

28. I wondered if I'd ever heal from the trauma of Monster #2's birth. While I don't know if fully healing is possible, I think the important thing is that she is a beautiful, healthy little terror. Her birth totally sucked ass, but her spirit is vibrant, and I love her more than I ever knew was possible.

29. I will never ever ever in a million bajillion years drive a minivan.

30. I could nap anytime, anywhere. I used to be the type of person that could only sleep in my bed, but now I fall asleep everywhere. I think that comes with being a mother and being sleep-deprived for an extended period of time. I now fall asleep sitting up. THAT takes talent.

31. Wine. THAT would be a girl's best friend. I love sangria in the summers, but apart from that...I like sweet whites in the summer and sweet reds in the winter. Oh, and I am clumsy with reds for sure. It's not a party until I spill a glass of red on someone or something

32. I want to learn to sew. I took a class a few months ago, and I really enjoyed it. I always thought sewing was lame and nerdy...until I saw this girl in high school walking around in the coolest clothes I'd ever seen. When I asked her where she got them, she told me that she made them. It was then that I realized I'd majorly failed when choosing NOT to take Home Ec.

33. Chicago is my heart and soul, and I often used to drive up there when I was feeling depressed. It's funny how just driving through the Loop would bring a calm over me and make me feel like all was right with the world. I didn't even have to stop. It was just the fact of knowing it was there...I wish I could go back more often

34. Music is as much a part of my life as breathing. I could use music to relate to anything in my life. It just heightens everything for me. I love all kinds of music for all different reasons, and I should probably listen to it more often...I used to listen to music nearly 100% of my day, and now it's not as much.

35. I believe that life is about experiences so much more than things. I find much more value in doing things than I do in acquiring things. I would much rather go somewhere really amazing and not take anything home but photos than to buy something that was worth just as much money.

36. I can't draw at all, but I am badass when it comes to coloring. And yes, I do enjoy coloring, even at my age.

37. My favorite color is pink. I had a difficult time coming to terms with that over the years, but I'm totally smitten now. I love pink in all shades, and I think it goes with everything.

38. I am constantly losing chapstick, but I did finally make it through ONE chapstick without losing it or allowing my washer/dryer to destroy it.

39. I attempted suicide nearly 5 years ago, and I am so thankful to the girls who tackled me and prevented me from doing so. I was kicked out of the military, and again, it was important to my path. It was an incredible experience all-around, but I am glad that I'm alive and not in the military.

40. I am obsessed with Vera Bradley. I sell bags, collect bags, and I would love nothing more than to paint a room in my house in a Vera Bradley pattern of some kind. I find it hilarious because I hated Vera Bradley at first. I couldn't understand why people were so obsessive about it, and now here I am...a complete addict.

41. I'm not into corporal punishment. I don't believe my kids need to fear me in order to respect me. In fact, I don't want my kids to be afraid of me at all. I've not hit my girls, and I don't plan to start anytime in the forseeable future. My 3 year-old has more respect for me than I knew was possible for a child of her age. That all comes without ever laying a hand on her or threatening her with anything more than a time-out...which in our house means counting to 10 in her bedroom

42. I believe in the good of humanity. I don't believe that we are born sinful or bad in any way. Any negativity is due to illness or desperation.

43. I fucking LOVE garage sales. I love that I can find things for next to nothing that serve a purpose in my life. I especially love that it feels like treasure hunting.

44. I want to take pole dancing classes. I envy anyone who has skills on the pole. It's an art form, in my opinion.

45. One of my favorite memories of our time in Florida last fall was rocking Monster #2 to sleep to the sound of the ocean. It makes me want to have a place on the water in a bad way...and I'm not talking about a lake. The ocean is incredibly soothing and relaxing. I miss it for sure

46. I think going to the movies is a huge waste of money. I can't believe how much it costs for such a short time of entertainment...and then sometimes the movie isn't even good! The popcorn is amazing, though. I will say that much

47. I'm the type of friend that always tells you the truth, even if it's not what you want to hear. I don't believe it does anyone any good not to be honest.

48. I try to live my life with the understanding that tomorrow is not guaranteed. As such, I do my best to live without regret and make sure those that I love know it.

49. I LOVE surprises. I never snoop for gifts because I accidentally ruined Christmas for myself once when I was younger. It was the crappiest Christmas ever, and I refuse to ruin any surprise for myself because of it.

50. Working in a strip club boosted my self-confidence and helped me become comfortable in my own skin. I was terrified to undress/dress in front of other people before working there. I learned so much about myself, and I am not ashamed to say that I loved working there.

51. I love to read, and I wish I had more time to do it...

52. I will probably eat at Chick-fil-A about as much as I always have (not often at all), even though I think their CEO is a total douche...If I avoided every single company that didn't agree with me on everything or was douchey in some way or another, I'd probably be in a hole. Every company has its faults, especially big ones.

53. I eat in bed. A lot.

54. I don't like parmesan cheese on my spaghetti. I like it with garlic salt instead.

55. I don't like ice in my water if it's already chilled...it's too cold then

56. If I'm craving soda, I want a fountain Coke. And it's SODA, not "POP."

57. I am a very giving soul. I even give when I don't have it to give...and sometimes I think people take advantage of that

58. I've never been to Hawaii or any tropical location, but I really really want to go! If I could go anywhere in the world, I would love to go to Fiji

59. I love the feeling of clean sheets, but I hate making my bed. I find it rather counterproductive, but I still do it every now and again

60. I am addicted to trashy reality tv, and I have no problem admitting it.

61. I would prefer to go to a neighborhood bar than a dance club any day of the week. I love a place with a dart board and a juke box, and I have a weakness for karaoke.

62. I don't like sweating. AT.ALL.

63. My favorite holiday is Halloween. I love dressing up and pretending to be something different for a day, and I absolutely love seeing all the little darlings in costumes.

64. I am pretty good at giving people nicknames.

65. I have learned over the last few years that I am not always right. It sounds silly when I type that, but I am pretty sure that is one of the major reasons that my first marriage didn't work out...He was ALWAYS wrong, and I was almost completely unwilling to compromise.

66. I love to entertain. I enjoy having company come over, cooking, and spending time with friends and family. Before I was ousted from the family, my sister would say that I was her favorite person to visit because I would always have her favorite snacks and drinks onhand...

67. I'm crafty. I enjoy making things by hand, and I find that I feel accomplished when I do things myself.

68. My relationship with my husband is polyamorous. We believe in full disclosure and embracing the possibility and probability of loving more than one person. I believe we're called "poly-wogs" because we are new to the idea, but the exploration of our humanity has brought us closer and enhanced our relationship greatly.

69. <--BTDT

70. I love shopping for shoes and underwear for myself. Otherwise, I can't stand shopping for myself because I can never find anything I like. I'm far too picky, and I have expensive taste that I can't afford

71. I find politics to be annoying. I used to be really into the political scene, but now I just think it is a waste of time. I don't identify as Democrat or Republican, and I just feel that the entire concept is not what our founding fathers had envisioned.

72. I don't believe that blood is thicker than water. I've learned over the years that blood can be toxic sometimes...and even if blood is thicker than water, water is much more refreshing.

73. I ROCK at doing make-up. My favorite brands are MAC and Rimmel, and I swear by NYC lip gloss...although I rarely wear make-up these days. It takes too much damn time.

74. I don't put sunscreen on my girls unless it's absolutely necessary. I would much prefer them to soak up the Vitamin D that Mother Nature is offering than to slather them with chemicals that don't do much help anyway.

75. When I go to the grocery, I buy 3 different kinds of milk: Organic whole, Vanilla Almond Milk, and skim milk. Some people find this strange, but it's such a part of my routine that I rarely notice the sideways look I get at the check-out these days

76. I am a terrible mathematician. I have a hard time with even simple addition and subtraction...To this day, I honestly have no idea how I passed my Algebra II class my freshman year of high school.

77. I love amusement parks and especially roller coasters.

78. I worked as a flight attendant for 6 months, and it was both amazing and horrible at the same time. I learned that while I enjoy alone time, I don't like to be alone nearly as much as that job requires it.

79. My hair used to be extremely curly, but now it's only slightly wavy...

80. I am more of a lover than a fighter, but I will fight to the death if I have to.

81. I don't consistently wear ANY jewelry. If I wear anything at all, I wear my wedding ring. Apart from that, I love bracelets but do NOT like necklaces at all and only got my ears pierced so I could wear earrings for my first wedding.

82. I have gotten into 3 car accidents, only one with another vehicle...and ALL while in reverse.

83. I am obsessive about all things Harry Potter, and I am hoping to be able to go to Universal Studios in Florida soon to see the amusement park. Harry Potter + Amusement Park = amazingness

84. I LOVE the honey badger. I even got Monster #1 a book about honey badgers.

85. I truly believe that glitter goes with everything.

86. The first video game system that I ever owned was a Playstation, which my sister and I got for Christmas one year when I was in high school...

87. I hate showering. I find it to be a waste of my time...and it takes me FOREVER because I have long hair. I used to shave every single day, and I remember my mom telling me at one point that it would change when I had children...I didn't believe her then, but damn...she was totally right!

88. I drink far too much coffee. I drink it black or with a flavored (ADDICTIVE) creamer. And I think Starbuck's coffee is disgusting. Espresso drinks? Fab. Coffee? Not so much

89. I can't stand weddings, but I couldn't tell you exactly why. I used to love them and be all obsessive about them...Now I find them to be a ridiculous waste of money with a ridiculous amount of drama and stress.

90. I love profanity, and I try to use it as much as fucking possible.

91. I am pretty fucking terrified of spiders

92. I am a creature of habit and find it difficult to cope with change. For example, I was terrified of getting a new phone that was NOT a Blackberry because I knew the operating system...I seriously didn't want to get a different phone because I would have to learn how to use it...

93. I may be a creature of habit,  but I love to be spontaneous. I am not big into planning, unless I have a limited amount of time for some reason. So, whenever we used to go up to the North Country to see our families, we'd always plan it out so that we could split our time equally.

94. Fall is my favorite season. I love the colors, and I love wearing a hoodie and jeans.

95. I am absolutely terrified of tornados, and I actually have recurring nightmares about them at times.

96. My celebrity crush is Captain Jack Sparrow. That's right. It's NOT Johnny Depp.

97. I love to dance and play in the rain...as long as there is no lightning. One of my favorite things about living in Arizona was monsoon season. I loved it.

98. I don't like icing very much, and I will usually take it off the cake. I would totally eat a cake without icing, though.

99. I try to eat healthy most of the time, but I have to admit that I have a soft spot for deep fried just about anything <3

100. I'm unique. There just isn't anyone else like me out there.

   

The Desperate Do-Nothing Housewife

I love how people make assumptions about you when they know absolutely nothing about your life. Isn't it amazing the insight these people have? I was recently told by King that the Analyst (FIL) is under the impression that I do nothing while King does everything. I am sure he isn't the only person who thinks that, but I would like to virtually give him the finger and tell him where to shove it. Please allow me to give all of you readers a small glimpse into a day in the life of theXile...

Today was the perfect example of my do-nothing tendencies. Monster #1 came into bed and stole my pillow somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 am...King's alarm went off 3 times, beginning somewhere around 6:45 am. After the third round (7:10 am), Monster told me she put the sun up...and it was time to get up. She needed milk, yogurt, a granola bar and cartoons. While I got her all set up, I threw a pot of coffee on, brushed my teeth while trying to find Monster #2's sippy cup...I found a swimsuit for Monster #1 and set clothes out for Monster #2. By then, it was about 7:30...So, I threw together the beach bag for swim lessons and got all of the packages ready to go from the bags I had sold over the weekend (Yes, I work from home and run an Ebay store). King left for work at about 7:45. He called me about 5 minutes later to say that he had forgotten something, and I offered to bring it up to his work after swim lessons.

8:00--get both Monsters dressed (miraculously, they BOTH had mated shoes today)

8:10--load up and get on the road...after going back in the house 3 times for various forgotten items...most importantly, my coffee.

8:55--drop Monster #2 at the KidZone to play while I watch Monster #1's swim lesson

9:00--Get Monster #1 out to the pool...after she has to go potty and talk about how beautiful the walls and the floors are...During swim lessons, plan the meal for the night & make a grocery list.

9:45--end swim lesson. Pick up Monster #2...Cue downpour. Monsoontastic fucking downpour. Oh, I forgot to mention that I didn't bring an umbrella and was wearing a white nursing tank...AWESOME. 

10:00--load up soaking wet children into the truck, and attempt to dry them off with a wet towel from swim lessons. At least Monster #1 was wearing a swimsuit!

After that, it was off to the Post Office to drop the packages...again when an umbrella would have been a novel idea. Thankfully the rain had settled down by the time we got to Target. So we ran in there to get a few things for dinner...and bandaids. I have been hearing about bandaids for a week now. You'd think that I would have gotten them before now...At any rate, after Target, we trekked up to King's work to drop off his forgotten items and to meet some of his coworkers (remembering we're all soaked, and I'm wearing a white top). Fantastic.

I was able to sneak a sandwich break in somewhere around 12:30, after I put Monster #2 down for a nap and set Monster #1 up with a movie and some lunch. <---Yes, I allow her to eat in front of the television. She eats there much better than she does at a table.

Of course, after Monster #1 went down for a nap, I was able to get some laundry done and pick up their toys (as if there was some point to doing that). I won't bore you with all of the details, but I also made homemade bacon-crusted cheddar mac & cheese for dinner. I played with the girls, and I did more laundry.

The plan was for King and I to spend the evening together, free from technology...but by the time he got home, I was completely spent. I had cleaned up seventeen spots of pee from Monster #2 (yay for potty training), dealt with who knows how many tantrums, cleaned, cooked, played, taxied, and worked enough for an entire week...So I told him that I needed a break, and he was happy to oblige. I'm pretty sure it was the bacon that tipped the scales.

So, my dear Analyst, as you can see...you're entirely wrong. I do all kinds of shit. I may not get paid for all of the work I do, but it's not nothing. My job is to be a kick ass mom and wife and to run a small business on the side. King is just as lucky to have me in his life as I consider myself to have him in mine.

Here's to the housewives...

It's Not My Party, But You Can Cry If You Want To...

Blondie's little monster is turning 5. She decided to throw a big party because 5 is a special number. It's a milestone. You know, 5...16...21...that kind of milestone. Either way, it was an absolute necessity to throw a gigantic bash, complete with a ridiculous amount of decorations and crafting, of which she is not capable. <---FUNNY, right?! Anyway, she was in a near panic last night, in the midst of slave labor brought on by Cruela as payment for allowing Blondie to have the party at their house...and so I offered to come early and help her. I figured it was the least I could do, given that I meant to (help?) make this paper wreath-like thing for her this week; and we just couldn't connect on it.

So this morning was a pretty typical morning in which we needed to be out of the house early. Big monster wanted to go "now," at 7:15 am, when she was standing at my bedside asking for cereal, milk, and cartoons. I was trying to pack our bag with diapers, wipes, sippy cups, towels, swimsuits, and other water necessities because they have a pool..."Mommy, but I don't want to go under water!" No problem, Monster. It's not a big deal. Eat your cereal, please. "Mommy, can I have your bagel please?" Sure, what would you like on it? "Butter." Fine. So I grab my coffee, butter "my" bagel and continue on with the packing. I got the bag packed, and Little monster finally woke up...Change/milk/dress <---that part was funny, being that she kept saying, "No!" and running off, thinking I was playing a silly game with her.

Finally, everyone was dressed and ready to get out the door...Both girls had only one shoe. Typical. We were running behind ("Are we late, Mommy?" Yes,  Monster), and neither of my monsters could find mated shoes. I told them that I was going out to the car to check if their missing shoes were in there, and they of course, insisted on following me out the door. The missing shoes weren't in the car, of course. So I had to sprint inside and find the missing shoes STAT...with 2 unsupervised monsters in my truck. At least the keys weren't in it? Thankfully, I had just cleaned their rooms the day prior, and so I knew they weren't in either bedroom. The only room that hadn't seen a vacuum (or a dust rag, or practically any cleaning product in who knows how long) was the master bedroom. I quickly found them (luck, I imagine) just under the bed and dashed back outside.

I got half a mile down the road and realized I forgot to pack a swimsuit for Little Monster...and my gas light was on. Did I mention I was already running 10 minutes behind at this point? I decided to screw the swimsuit (Gawd, I am SUCH a whore) and kept driving. I got gas, stopped for donuts (sustenance for anxious mamas), and Blondie's fave bev from Starbucks (Venti White Chocolate Mocha). I figured it might be drinkable by the time I drove down to Cruela's place if I got it right by mine. Of course, everyone and their neighbor was in the drive-thru at SBucks, and they clearly weren't aware that the world revolves around me and that I was already running late (Note to self: purchase "Narcissist" shirts to wear daily). Traffic was light, though, and we had an easy drive there.

Blondie looked like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders as I strode up the walkway with donuts in one hand and Starbucks in the other. I was glad. I enjoy being helpful <shocker>. We worked together to get everything decorated and set up, and it was great...except that my monsters were running around without much supervision...aaaand Little Monster decided to take one of Cruela's collectible dog figurines for a swim...in the toilet. I really wish ya'll had any clue as to this woman's demeanor. She scares the living crap out of me, and I think she's only ever said about 10 words to me. Blondie came over to tell me about the incident, and I couldn't help but nearly have a spit take and laugh hysterically. I always say that Little Monster's only saving grace is her cuteness. She's a terrorist, but she's damn cute.

Other than that, Blondie was incredibly grateful and relieved that help had arrived. She had another friend who did tricks with balloons that I didn't even know were possible, though. I'm definitely jealous of that, and I need to learn her secrets. I thought I was pretty damn good at decorating, but this chick tied 4 balloons together without any kind of string. AMAZING. I digress. It was a great party, minus the toilet incident, the rain, and Cruela's less-than-welcoming attitude.

I'll never forget this just because I thought it was the sweetest and most adorable thing ever, but Blondie's dad made some hot dogs in the microwave for the little ones who wouldn't eat the hot dogs with the grill markings on them...He said he should have known to do it earlier since Blondie would never eat them that way either. Is that not adorable?!

Anyway, we had a great time, and I'm so thankful to have such sweet friends...And I can't wait until I have a party...hehehe

Here's to the party animals!

Taking Back My Name

Some of you may or may not have noticed, but I changed the name of this blog. I'm guessing that those of you judgmental hypocritical assholes probably didn't notice...Or you think that I'm looking for a pity party and feeling sorry for myself. To that I say, good for you. Just keep reading, and as you asked, I'll keep bringing the entertainment.

Captain has been focused slightly on a nickname for me, as I have christened him with 2: Captain being one, and the other I prefer to keep private. Either way, it's so funny because I can't tell you how many people have asked me what my nickname is, and I have none. The only one I've ever had is actually a name I prefer never to have to see again, being that it is extremely closely associated with Crazypants. It's interesting to me that I've been around for as long as I have without a solid nickname.

That being said, when I first started blogging, I was theXile. It fit me at the time, and the more I think about it, it just fits me in general. It was funny because when I first started blogging as Xile, it was focused entirely on my exile from the Coast Guard. Really though, I am just an entire collection of exiles. I've been exiled from family members, from my Christian upbringing, from King's family, from mainstream society. I even moved 2,000 miles away from home as soon as I graduated high school. I mean, you name it, I'm probably outside the norm. It's okay, though. I would so much rather be true to myself than be uncomfortable but acceptable to the masses.

The negative feedback that I've gotten from my recent blog entries just amplifies the need for me to return to my roots. It fits. I'm theXile. I'm vile, unacceptable, a whore, vicious, conniving, manipulative, mean...I mean, I may be the best villain next to Lucifer himself. People ask me if it bothers me. My friends tell me they're sorry that people are saying horrible things about and to me. My family (that I still have left) is worried that I will become (have become?) a social pariah. The thing is, though, that I know better. My heart is in the right place, no matter where my home is or isn't. I may be exiled from every last person on this earth, but I am happy with myself. I don't allow other people to dictate my happiness or my morals. I don't allow other people to think for me or deem what's right for me in the same way that I don't dictate what's right for anyone else. I make choices based on what makes sense in my life for my family.

At the end of the day, I am theXile. And I couldn't be more proud. I stand strong in the face of adversity and judgment, knowing that I am doing the best I can do in every given situation. I stumble, I fall, and I always end up picking myself back up at the end of the day. I may be bloody and bruised, but scars just add character to my personality. My choices are my own, and that is what matters. How many of you have made a difficult choice in order to remain true to yourself, even in the face of venomous criticism? How many of you are willing to put it all on the line just to remain true to yourself and do what you believe is right, against all odds?

Lastly, I want to address this idea of narcissism with regard to me. I'm not obsessed with myself, I don't get off on thinking about myself, and I am not more fascinated with myself than I am with anyone else. If people don't actually take the time to read and comprehend some of the things I've written here, rather than judging me based on one particular story or incident, that's fine. However, I have admitted some very difficult mistakes that I've made in friendships, romantic relationships, as well as familial relationships. I have made amends with people from whom I don't believe I even deserved forgiveness. We are all better people for doing so and being humble enough to really take a look in the proverbial mirror and see the ugliness that sometimes dwells within us all. No one is perfect, and I don't claim to be.

This is my journey, my life, and my experiences. I am putting myself out there for everyone to see and read, and I have been lynched for it multiple times over...I highly doubt that makes me narcissistic. I certainly don't believe that I am better or worse than anyone else. Say what you will about me, but at the end of the day, are you happy with what you've said and done?

Here's to fortitude...