A Tear-stained Pillow & Puffy Eyes...

Awhile back, I posted a blog about image projection and related it to the story of any super hero, but specifically that of Superman. To summarize it, my theory is that we're all Clark Kent in some way or another. We project what we want people to know and see, and we leave the rest out. We all have somewhat of an alter ego, and there are certain things we will share with only our closest confidants and friends. So, while one person might think that I'm Mother Theresa, another person might see me as a frazzled mom...It's all in what we put out there.

I'm the person who holds it all together for the public, and late at night you might find me broken down, silently crying in bed. So how do you decide who you can trust with those silent tears? How do you trust anyone when those closest to you have some of the worst things to say about you? How do you trust anyone when almost everyone you know has exaggerated or flat-out lied for whatever reason? And really, I shouldn't say almost everyone. I'm really speaking more about the women in my life, those who shaped and molded me, those who were my greatest influence before adulthood, and those who should have taught me how to be the best, most productive woman I could be.

I think it really screws with your ability to have solid, meaningful relationships in life. The last few years of my life have been nothing but soul-searching and self-reflection. I've focused on the big questions in life: why am I here? What happens when I die? If I died today, would I be satisfied with the way I've treated everyone around me? I wake up each morning hoping to be a better wife, mother, and friend than I was just one day prior. I think this constant push for bettering myself has changed me in so many ways. If I look at who I was just 4 years ago, I don't even recognize myself. Physically? Sure, but my soul has opened so much more. My heart is bigger, my anger less, and my belief in the good of humanity has blossomed.

What really sucks is that there are a couple people in my life who haven't noted this change, and who constantly look at the past to gauge my actions and thought process today. Okay, there's one person in particular. We're at odds right now due to disagreements in priorities, but it has become about so much more than that...At this point, I'm not sure if the damage is reparable. I honestly hope that it is, but this is one instance where optimism has forsaken me.

I guess I wonder how deep one's projection runs. Like, because I was so different a few years ago, will I ever be able to change my image? What would happen if Clark Kent started wearing contacts? What if he started wearing colored contacts? Just because I was selfish and angry 5 years ago, will the one person I need to recognize the positive changes I've made always see that anger? Will she always see my 20-something selfish persona? And will she ever take any responsibility for the role she played in creating that person?

I received the best advice from a person who, 5 years ago, I never would have expected it. I never would have guessed that my dad would have the soundest advice for me, the kindest things to say about me, and would be proud of the person I've become. I never would have guessed that, despite our differences, we'd be closer than ever and that he'd be the one to receive the late night phone call and hear me cry. In fact, if a psychic (a real one) had told me that, I would have laughed at her. The thing is, though, that he did have the best things to say. He told me that I know better, that I know my true intentions, I know that I have an open heart (a BIG one). He told me not to listen to the naysayers, no matter how many of them there are, who they are and no matter how hurtful their words may be. They probably haven't taken the time to get to know the woman I've become over the last few years. They are ill-informed or just ignorant. They're messed up (and need to be medicated).

And you know, he's right, but it doesn't take the sting away for some reason. I want that closeness, you know? I want to have that person to call on, no matter what the hour, to laugh hysterically or cry or share something heartfelt. I want to hear that I'm doing such a great job as a mom and a wife. And instead, I've been called disgusting for using my children as pawns (untrue), begrudging & angry, childish, and that I act superior to other people...but as my dad says, you can't change people. You can only work on you.

So I guess that I hope to somehow fill this void in my life with true friends, the kind who see the real me, the kind who I can call at midnight, the kind who won't judge my tear-stained face and puffy eyes...the kind who realize that my heart is good, and my arms are open, and I will happily return the favor anytime. The kind of friends that know that no matter how many offensive words I use, they're just my way of being expressive...the kind of friends who realize it's not their job to judge me, but just to love me for me, the way I do with them.

I pray for the strength and the courage to trust...and the ability to forgive, no matter how many knives have been driven into my back...

Til next time...