All Kidding Aside...An Update on My Birth Trauma

For all of those who have offered me any kind of support since the birth of Genevieve, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, even if it was just by listening to me or reading my story. It has been a difficult road, but it's one that I am almost grateful for because it has given me so much perspective and has allowed me to understand the countless women who have endured what I have. I remember wondering in the beginning if time really does heal all things and how much scar tissue would remain in the weeks, months, and years that would follow that day.

I remember wondering how I would love my second daughter as much as my first, being that her birth was such a painful experience and one that I knew would haunt me for a long time to come. I remember thinking about it every single time I looked at her face, no matter how perfect and beautiful she was. Each time I looked at her, each time I held her, every single suckle at my breast I was holding back tears. Add to that the fact that our breastfeeding relationship started out as rocky as could ever be possible, and one can easily see why I felt the way that I did. Each day brought new trials, each hour tested my character and tenacity. I remember wondering how on Earth I would make it through 6 weeks of nursing when so much trauma had occurred in the first hours and days.

That said, I wanted to let everyone know that though time hasn't necessarily healed me, it has allowed me to understand that life isn't perfect. It has allowed me to realize that sometimes you have to detour in order to really see the beauty around you. So even though Genevieve's birth was horrible and painful and unfair, I have bonded with her in a way that I had always hoped was possible. A week or so ago, Birthing Naturally posted on Facebook and posed a very interesting question about breastfeeding: who taught you? Was it a nurse, a lactation consultant, a book, a friend, your baby? So, I thought about it...and it made me realize that Genevieve Rose has taught me. She and I are making this journey together, each day as we learn from one another and grow our bond. Who would have ever thought that a baby could teach you how to breastfeed? I've got all the best books out there, had lactation consultants and nurses at my disposal, friends who have been there done that, and the best teacher is my beautiful daughter.

I think what makes this so much more important is that Genevieve has helped to heal the pain of not being able to nurse Hayden. I was absolutely devastated when I had to start formula with her at 6 months. I felt that my body had failed me, that I had failed to do what every woman is meant to do. So it's like I've come full circle. And even though I know there will always be some amount of pain associated with Genevieve's birth, she has healed the pain I had with not being able to breastfeed Hayden. She's an amazing teacher, and I told Mark yesterday, she truly is the BEST medicine.

And at 4 months and change, she is my breastfeeding TROPHY, weighing in at 17lbs 8oz!

Til next time...