The morning of December 23rd was filled with excitement and anticipation as Mark and I drove to the hospital to be induced with our second child. It was going to be quite exciting, not only because we'd be welcoming a new member to our family, but also because we did not know the sex of the baby.
We would be joined by my sister and our doula as well, which made it even more special, as my sister had never witnessed a birth and was unable to be there when our first daughter was born.
Upon arriving at the hospital, I was filled with a sense of calm and peace as we awaited the impending induction. I knew what to expect, as I had been induced with Hayden as well. This was great because I was not scared at all and was very ready to welcome my second child into the world. The induction began around 8:30, when Dr. Rasmussen came in to break my bag of waters. This was a VERY painful process, and it seemed that my baby was just maybe not as ready to enter the world as I was ready to welcome her. She then left, and I asked for some time to see if contractions started on their own. After an hour, the contractions did not start, and so the nurse came in and started the minimum dose of pitocin. I was then left for 2 hours, after which the nurse consulted with Dr. Rasmussen, and it was decided that we would start increasing the pitocin until I was "uncomfortable." I was happy about this because I was ready to get to the real "meat and potatoes" of labor, as I referred to it. I stayed in complete control of my body and relaxed by way of vocal toning and meditation. Mark stayed by my side, well so-to-speak, and rubbed my back and played with my hair in just the right way for almost the entire time. My sister gave me a great massage at just the right point in time, and after a great suggestion by my doula, I even had some jell-o! The entire morning and into the early afternoon were fantastic and filled with smiles and joy as we listened to Jason Mraz guide us through this labor.
The late afternoon is when things started sliding downhill, and the contractions started to become very painful to the point where I could hardly breathe through them, let alone actually take a deep breath in order to fill my body with the oxygen needed to get through the next one. Everyone around me kept telling me I needed to breathe, and I physically could not. I started to cry and actually scream through some of the contractions...I told Mark that I needed a break and that we needed to stop the pitocin in order to give me a chance to get the necessary oxygen my body needed to keep going and to finish the labor. We consulted with the nurse about this, and she agreed to call Dr. Rasmussen and ask her what we could do.
Meanwhile, I kept crying and feeling more pain than I could possibly imagine. I cried to Mark and told him that I felt like a failure because I was *thinking* about an epidural, which was not even considered in our birth plan. I am deathly afraid of anesthesia and needles and know in my heart that it is not a good choice for either me or the baby. However, I just did not think my body could continue in its weak state without some kind of relief from this intense and horrifying pain. The nurse returned with the proposition of a compromise: rather than turning the pitocin up 2 every 20 minutes, we would turn it down 1 every 20 minutes. We would continue this as long as my contractions stayed strong and consistent. I agreed to this compromise because I was confident that my body could labor on its own without the pitocin now that we were so far into my labor. The contractions continued to be very painful and very intense, still to the point of my having trouble breathing.
Dr. Rasmussen would return at 5:30pm to check on my progress. At 5:20pm, I told Mark that I could not do it any longer, that my body was to weak to continue and that the only way I could finish would be with an epidural, my absolute worst nightmare. Susan (my doula) looked at me and said, "just one more contraction, Sabrina. You can do this. Chelsey (Dr. Rasmussen) will be here after that. Just one more." So just one more is what I agreed to, and I told Mark that if I was not fully dilated when Dr. Rasmussen came to check on me that I would absolutely HAVE to have an epidural. The tears continued to stream down my face as I sat on the birth ball, and I felt defeated. However, as 5:30 came and went and Dr. Rasmussen came in at 5:35pm, I rose off the ball and into the bed to have my cervix checked and a wave came over me. It was time to push! I suppose I did not need an epidural after all, and my child was ready to enter the world!
She checked me at 5:40pm, and I was fully dilated and ready to push. I pushed for only 9 minutes before our beautiful daughter entered this world at 5:49pm on December 23, 2010. Mark shouted, "It's a girl, babe!" in the most excited tone that one could possibly imagine, and I said, "really?!" He said yes, that it was indeed a girl, and I said, "Her name is Genevieve Rose" with tears in my eyes for so many reasons, but mainly joyous tears because she was finally here.
After things settled down a bit, our nurse returned to our room and took a post-it note off of the machine my IV was attached to and said, "See? We were turning the pitocin up the entire time. It was just a 'mind over matter thing.' I knew you didn't really need a break." At that point, my heart began breaking into pieces. Not only had I endured the most pain I could never imagine in my life, but I was lied to by medical personnel, the very people who I trusted most to make this experience as best as possible given the circumstances. I didn't even have words to express how betrayed I felt. That said, I decided to put those feelings aside momentarily and enjoy those first moments with my new daughter and husband.
We left the hospital on Christmas Eve, just 24 hours after having Genevieve and returned home to spend Christmas Day as a family of 4, instead of a family of 3.
I took a lot of anger with me as we left, and I just didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't understand why I was lied to, especially by a medical professional, and I didn't understand why they could not honor my request when the baby was not in danger, and I physically could not breathe because the contractions were so intensely painful. I felt that Genevieve's birth was scarred because of the pain I endured so unnecessarily...
A few days later, I was still crying a lot when I thought about the labor, and I was taking my anger out on Mark. I just couldn't help it...I was still in a lot of pain down below where I tore, and so I called my doctor to ask for a refill on my pain medication because I was still taking it every four hours like clockwork. After 3 and a half hours, I would start to feel a pinching pain where my stitches were with every move I made. Dr. Rasmussen said she could not imagine why I was feeling so much pain and reluctantly agreed to call in 10 more pain pills for me and requested that I come in the next day to get checked out. On that day, I also spoke to the nurse and poured my heart out about how I felt about my labor and that I felt betrayed by the medical team and was having a very difficult time getting past what happened. Mark expressed concern to her about post-partum depression, as did I, since depression runs in my family.
I got out of the shower on that evening and was patting myself dry when I started gushing blood...Mark was very worried and told me to call Dr. Rasmussen. She suggested that I go to the ER, and so that's what we did. They checked out the stitches and found they were still in tact but still wanted me to follow up with Dr. Rasmussen the following day. The consensus is that my skin may have torn around one of the stitches.
The next day was my birthday, and I did not want to deal with such negativity on my birthday, but a good friend told me that I needed to in order to be able to move forward from what happened. I would need to confront my doctor and ask her why I was lied to and why they could not honor my request to stop the pitocin even temporarily. The appointment did not go well at all. Dr. Rasmussen visually checked my stitches and said that everything looked great and was healing properly. She said she still did not understand why I was feeling so much pain being that it was a "minor repair" and that no infection was present. She pulled the sheet over me and rolled her chair to my side. It was then that I started to break down...I told her that combined with the pain and how betrayed I felt about the pitocin lie that I was very concerned about post-partum depression. She practically ignored my comment and went into a defense about the fact that once pitocin is started, it is not stopped and will continue to increase until the baby comes. She told me she felt she does a great job of educating her patients on what to expect and that she had done so with me as well. She had told me that it would take longer to deliver Genevieve because she was considerably larger than Hayden was, that I should expect both a longer labor AND a longer pushing stage. She then backtracked that statement by saying that 2nd babies generally come by 3 or 4 in the afternoon with an induction and that almost 6pm WAS later. She then told me that our labor nurse had told HER that she was VERY UNCOMFORTABLE lying to me about how much pitocin I was being given and that I needed to take up that concern with Mark, as the nurse had told Dr. Rasmussen that it was MARK who came up with this idea to lie to me. I just smiled big (almost laughed) and told her that I would not debate it with her and that it was not worth it to me.
We went back to talking about the fact that I was still having pain, and she said she wanted to "check one more thing" before I left, and she pulled the sheet back and began PUSHING on my stitches asking if one hurt more than another. I started to cry as she pushed on the first one and screamed in pain. She pushed on the second one, which I did not feel any pain. She went back to the first stitch several times, making me cry out in pain each time before she offered to "snip" the first stitch. The stitch was too tight, which is why I was/am in so much pain. She said that I might be "more comfortable" if she did that, but that I would not heal anatomically correct if she did so...I told her that is not what I wanted and that I would be fine as long as she allowed me more pain medication. She wrote the script, and I left her office with more clarity than I could have imagined.
After my confrontation with her, I decided that I knew where to place my anger and that I could put it in a box on a shelf and leave it there. I will NOT go back to her for my post-partum visit, as I feel I cannot trust her.
I am choosing now to let go of the trauma and to move forward with the memories from the early part of my labor when things were calm and peaceful and joyous. I love my daughter, and I feel truly blessed that she is happy and healthy.
